Funerals can be funny...

[Signals]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the Doctor in the Beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist.'

That's when the proctologist fainted.

:D

[WoodysGirl]

oh my... :laugh2:

[the kid 05]

haha thast a good one star

[jwhardin]

Proctoligist was walking down the hospital hallway when a nurse said, "Dr why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear". The Dr replied, "Oh no, some butthole has got my pencil".

[Hostile]

Not part of the joke, but relevant I hope.


http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398541&postcount=1

[Signals]

Not part of the joke, but relevant I hope.


http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398541&postcount=1

As usual Hos, thats a great read. :)

[/snicker] ;)

[the kid 05]

Not part of the joke, but relevant I hope.


http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398541&postcount=1

:lmao2: thanks hos

"not me God, the lady in the box."

[BrAinPaiNt]

Not part of the joke, but relevant I hope.


http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398541&postcount=1

How did I ever miss that?

Man the stories I could tell, and probably already have.

[Yeagermeister]

How did I ever miss that?

Man the stories I could tell, and probably already have.

No more sheep stories please :D

[5Stars]

Not part of the joke, but relevant I hope.


http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398541&postcount=1


(stupid cowboy fans)...



:laugh2:

[DallasFanSince86]

Not part of the joke, but relevant I hope.


http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398541&postcount=1

:lmao2::lmao:

Now that was funny. Thanks for the great laugh Hos.

[silverbear]

No more sheep stories please :D

You're not trying to insinuate that Hos loves ewe??

[Hostile]

:lmao2::lmao:

Now that was funny. Thanks for the great laugh Hos.Side story about this story. I hope it will be almost as funny. About 10 years ago my wife and I went to a party. There were 6 couples at this party and the hostess describes a game we are going to play called Liar, Liar. You had to answer 2 questions with 1 line. One of them was "what was your most embarrassing moment?" Naturally I answered, "when I was a pallbearer and fell into the grave."

The rules of this game were simple. The person who it was about had their name on the card that was drawn out of a hat. That person it actually happened to and 2 other people were picked to be the "liars" except one of you is actually telling the truth. So the rest of the people could ask you questions about the circumstances.

One of the answers was, "the time I got thrown in jail." I got picked to go be a liar and before anyone tells one detail everyone in the room is already guessing that it was me. I was a little disturbed that everyone immediately assumed I was guilty.

Even though it wasn't my story I told another funny story about when I actually did get arrested for grand theft auto. I'll quickly explain. I didn't actually steal a car. A buddy of mine was at a girl's house and we saw his VW van parked out front. So a bunch of us (my idea) decided to put it in neutral and push it around to the side of the house hoping he'd think it was stolen. Well, some of her neighbors saw us breaking in and called the cops. About the time my butt hit the seat of his van the cops came from every direction.

Well, the other guys all took off running so I did too. I was way behind at first but I was a heck of a lot faster than those guys and I caught them about the time they ran into an alley. I was thinking it was dumb to run into the alley (but smart to run right) but I followed them anyway. I came out of the alley with my hands up when 2 squad cars blocked the path, and I was arrested. After telling the Police what we were actually up to they lined us up in the girl's front yard in handcuffs and my buddy identified us and declined to press charges. Not before letting us twist in the wind a little bit. There is a lot more to this story, but it would take too long.

So I tell that story and when it's time to vote the entire group of people picked me as the actual person whose most embarrassing moment was getting arrested. Even my wife. I fooled my own wife. So when my buddy Art (an absolutely crazy guy) admits the story was actually his one of the other wives says, "Mike, your story had to be real." I admitted it was. So, she goes on, "you have a more embarrassing moment than that?" My time was still to come.

So my story finally got picked. I'm sitting in the middle chair and the hostess reads my answer about falling into the grave. The other 2 liars both started cracking up laughing and without a single word of lies being told the whole room knows this is my story. One of the other 2 guys, Rob, could not get his composure. So without ever playing the game I had to tell the whole story. Rob interjects that he would have crapped his pants. The guy on the other side of me who also started laughing and ruined his chances of lying said, "no that was my most embarrassing moment." That was the answer he had given to the question and had to tell about having diarrhea at work and not making it to the bathroom before he had an accident.

The whole dang house is laughing so hard we had to end the game. No one could regain their composure. To this day, Rob will sometimes simply look at me, remember that story, and start laughing.

[Yeagermeister]

You're not trying to insinuate that Hos loves ewe??

No that's BP :D

[DallasFanSince86]

Side story about this story. I hope it will be almost as funny. About 10 years ago my wife and I went to a party. There were 6 couples at this party and the hostess describes a game we are going to play called Liar, Liar. You had to answer 2 questions with 1 line. One of them was "what was your most embarrassing moment?" Naturally I answered, "when I was a pallbearer and fell into the grave."

The rules of this game were simple. The person who it was about had their name on the card that was drawn out of a hat. That person it actually happened to and 2 other people were picked to be the "liars" except one of you is actually telling the truth. So the rest of the people could ask you questions about the circumstances.

One of the answers was, "the time I got thrown in jail." I got picked to go be a liar and before anyone tells one detail everyone in the room is already guessing that it was me. I was a little disturbed that everyone immediately assumed I was guilty.

Even though it wasn't my story I told another funny story about when I actually did get arrested for grand theft auto. I'll quickly explain. I didn't actually steal a car. A buddy of mine was at a girl's house and we saw his VW van parked out front. So a bunch of us (my idea) decided to put it in neutral and push it around to the side of the house hoping he'd think it was stolen. Well, some of her neighbors saw us breaking in and called the cops. About the time my butt hit the seat of his van the cops came from every direction.

Well, the other guys all took off running so I did too. I was way behind at first but I was a heck of a lot faster than those guys and I caught them about the time they ran into an alley. I was thinking it was dumb to run into the alley (but smart to run right) but I followed them anyway. I came out of the alley with my hands up when 2 squad cars blocked the path, and I was arrested. After telling the Police what we were actually up to they lined us up in the girl's front yard in handcuffs and my buddy identified us and declined to press charges. Not before letting us twist in the wind a little bit. There is a lot more to this story, but it would take too long.

So I tell that story and when it's time to vote the entire group of people picked me as the actual person whose most embarrassing moment was getting arrested. Even my wife. I fooled my own wife. So when my buddy Art (an absolutely crazy guy) admits the story was actually his one of the other wives says, "Mike, your story had to be real." I admitted it was. So, she goes on, "you have a more embarrassing moment than that?" My time was still to come.

So my story finally got picked. I'm sitting in the middle chair and the hostess reads my answer about falling into the grave. The other 2 liars both started cracking up laughing and without a single word of lies being told the whole room knows this is my story. One of the other 2 guys, Rob, could not get his composure. So without ever playing the game I had to tell the whole story. Rob interjects that he would have crapped his pants. The guy on the other side of me who also started laughing and ruined his chances of lying said, "no that was my most embarrassing moment." That was the answer he had given to the question and had to tell about having diarrhea at work and not making it to the bathroom before he had an accident.

The whole dang house is laughing so hard we had to end the game. No one could regain their composure. To this day, Rob will sometimes simply look at me, remember that story, and start laughing.

:laugh2:

That was a good story also.

[big dog cowboy]

Not part of the joke, but relevant I hope.


http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showpost.php?p=398541&postcount=1
Great read. Thanks for posting!

[Chief]

Suppressed laughter is an awesome, powerful force.

George Carlin used to talk about it and used a funeral as an example of being at a place where you're trying to suppress laughter.

A few years ago at the graveside ceremony of my grandfather's funeral, there were about 150 people huddled around the pastor, the casket, etc. During the prayer, the quietness was interrupted by the loudest, most awful sounding stomach noise I've ever heard.

I never found out who it was, but I have an idea it was one of my female cousins. I can't even describe the sound -- it didn't even sound human. And there's no way it should have been that loud. It was like a toilet flushing.

The sound was so disturbing and the timing so perfect that it made for a weird, dangerous moment. Busting out laughing wouldn't have been appropriate, but it was all I could do to hold it in.

[DallasFanSince86]

Suppressed laughter is an awesome, powerful force.

George Carlin used to talk about it and used a funeral as an example of being at a place where you're trying to suppress laughter.

A few years ago at the graveside ceremony of my grandfather's funeral, there were about 150 people huddled around the pastor, the casket, etc. During the prayer, the quietness was interrupted by the loudest, most awful sounding stomach noise I've ever heard.

I never found out who it was, but I have an idea it was one of my female cousins. I can't even describe the sound -- it didn't even sound human. And there's no way it should have been that loud. It was like a toilet flushing.

The sound was so disturbing and the timing so perfect that it made for a weird, dangerous moment. Busting out laughing wouldn't have been appropriate, but it was all I could do to hold it in.


:lmao:

[Yeagermeister]

Chief I know what you mean about surpressed laughter.

This has nothing to do with a funeral but it was still funny.

When I was in the military our 1st Sgt (yes I know I spelled it wrong) was always the one to pin on your rank when you got promoted. He would leave the backs off the pins and punch them in to your shoulder. This day we had four or five guys get promoted and the 1st Sgt was doing his usual thing. All of them handled it well until the last guy. When he punched them in the guy let out a squeal and everyone in formation including his squad leader standing behind him was biting our tongues to keep from laughing. Once we were dismissed everyone :lmao: . I don't think he ever lived that down.

[Kangaroo]

Chief I know what you mean about surpressed laughter.

This has nothing to do with a funeral but it was still funny.

When I was in the military our 1st Sgt (yes I know I spelled it wrong) was always the one to pin on your rank when you got promoted. He would leave the backs off the pins and punch them in to your shoulder. This day we had four or five guys get promoted and the 1st Sgt was doing his usual thing. All of them handled it well until the last guy. When he punched them in the guy let out a squeal and everyone in formation including his squad leader standing behind him was biting our tongues to keep from laughing. Once we were dismissed everyone :lmao: . I don't think he ever lived that down.

The good ole blood rank :lmao2:

[Yeagermeister]

The good ole blood rank :lmao2:

The thing was he didn't really pop him that hard just enough to break the skin. I can still see him dropping his shoulder and letting out that girly squeal. :lmao:

The squad leader was priceless. He was about to wet himself.

[BrAinPaiNt]

Ok...not a funeral story but still something I am sure a few will get a good laugh out of. I have told this story before so some may remember it.

My cousin and I were stationed at Fort Polk at the same time. However we were in different companies.

At this time there was about 4-5 guys that shared rent at a place for a few months and we were two of the guys.

Well my cousin happened to have a day off for some reason. I had the day off but I had been up all night pulling CQ. For those that have not served it was a duty where you basically watch the company head quarters and check some other stuff. The worst part was you had to stay up for 24 hours but the good part was that once it was over you had the day off.

So My cousin comes and picks me up and we are heading back to the place. I tell him that we should stop and get some videos to watch.

So we stop in the Video store. I am still in uniform and there were two young girls working there at the time. By young I mean 19-21 range and I was just around 21-22 at the time.

Now I was single and my cousin was going through a separation at the time but it was not finalized.

So I am playing it cool walking around and giving the girls some come hither type looks...or at least I thought I was playing it cool.

So all of a sudden I felt a sneeze coming on. So I grab my nose and have this huge sneeze. No I did not blow snot everywhere but what I did was worse.

When you sneeze you ears, or at least mine, clog up some so I didn't hear it but boy did I feel it.

I had let a MONSTER fart. I am telling you it was so big and forceful it actually hurt my O ring.

Now I didn't hear it, but I know they had to hear it and I would not have been shocked if people out in the parking lot heard it.

Now my cousin is laughing so hard he is crying. I see the girls laughing but trying to hold it in as not to be rude.

So I figure...screw it, I can't take it back now and figured I would have some fun with it.

So as we were checking the videos out I asked the girls if they found it on the floor anywhere.

They look at the floor and at me and ask me what I am talking about, what did they find?

I say...Did you happen to find an arsehole laying on the floor because I am pretty sure it blew out of my pants after that fart.

Well...no more trying to hold back the laughter they both were rolling, my cousin was rolling and I started laughing as well.

[5Stars]

Well...no more trying to hold back the laughter they both were rolling, my cousin was rolling and I started laughing as well.


:laugh2:

I always figured that you were a pretty fart smeller!

[Hostile]

Ok...not a funeral story but still something I am sure a few will get a good laugh out of. I have told this story before so some may remember it.

My cousin and I were stationed at Fort Polk at the same time. However we were in different companies.

At this time there was about 4-5 guys that shared rent at a place for a few months and we were two of the guys.

Well my cousin happened to have a day off for some reason. I had the day off but I had been up all night pulling CQ. For those that have not served it was a duty where you basically watch the company head quarters and check some other stuff. The worst part was you had to stay up for 24 hours but the good part was that once it was over you had the day off.

So My cousin comes and picks me up and we are heading back to the place. I tell him that we should stop and get some videos to watch.

So we stop in the Video store. I am still in uniform and there were two young girls working there at the time. By young I mean 19-21 range and I was just around 21-22 at the time.

Now I was single and my cousin was going through a separation at the time but it was not finalized.

So I am playing it cool walking around and giving the girls some come hither type looks...or at least I thought I was playing it cool.

So all of a sudden I felt a sneeze coming on. So I grab my nose and have this huge sneeze. No I did not blow snot everywhere but what I did was worse.

When you sneeze you ears, or at least mine, clog up some so I didn't hear it but boy did I feel it.

I had let a MONSTER fart. I am telling you it was so big and forceful it actually hurt my O ring.

Now I didn't hear it, but I know they had to hear it and I would not have been shocked if people out in the parking lot heard it.

Now my cousin is laughing so hard he is crying. I see the girls laughing but trying to hold it in as not to be rude.

So I figure...screw it, I can't take it back now and figured I would have some fun with it.

So as we were checking the videos out I asked the girls if they found it on the floor anywhere.

They look at the floor and at me and ask me what I am talking about, what did they find?

I say...Did you happen to find an arsehole laying on the floor because I am pretty sure it blew out of my pants after that fart.

Well...no more trying to hold back the laughter they both were rolling, my cousin was rolling and I started laughing as well.Okay, I have a gas story that's pretty funny.

I was living in Utah, it was January, and my friend Kenny, my brother, and I decided to go do a weekend in California. To pull this off I worked a double shift on a Thursday and we were leaving as soon as I got home and cleaned up.

So it's about 8:30 at night when we hit the road. I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and climbed into the back seat of Kenny's car and they jumped in the front. The only thing I had eaten all day was a jar of Planter's Honey Roasted Peanuts. It did something very nasty to me.

So it's below zero, it's late, and Kenny and my brother are singing along to a Beach Boys tape. Badly I might add. I am in the back trying to sleep but having a hard time. Suddenly I feel the old bubble.

It was silent...but violent. As in smelled so bad that it would make you gag.

Kenny and Dave (my brother) are in mid verse of "Good Vibrations" when the smell hit them and they started cussing. In the back seat I had my face in the pillow for 2 reasons. To stifle the laughter and protect myself from the smell.

How bad was the smell? Bad enough that they rolled down the windows to get rid of it. Oh, but I wasn't done.

For the next 2 hours I gassed them periodically and laughed my *** off at their reactions. The discussions ranged from what I had eaten to what they were going to do to me for killing them. On several occasions they would roll the windows down and stick their heads out of the car. I am not making that up. At one point my brother cussed as he broke a frozen tear streak off his face.

Sleep was not going to happen by this point. I had laughed myself silly so many times that my jaws and sides hurt. They had no idea I was awake the whole time.

So after yet another gassing that had the windows down in the car I sat up and told them to roll the windows up because it was freezing. Oh my gosh you should have heard the cussing. I got threatened with corks and basically told that the next town we reached I was going to go take a dump.

That was fine with me. For the next 50 miles or so I was wide awake as I tortured them with the gas. It was my turn to make comments and I did. The one they remember the most is me telling them not to kill them (the farts) that they were only babies.

I have never been cussed so much in my life. So we finally get to a town and Kenny pulls in to get gas and I am told that unless I cop a squat they are going to leave me in the middle of nowhere. I complied with their wishes and went to the bathroom. It was awful as you might suspect. I about died in there taking care of it. As I came out of the bathroom there was a man heading in. I had to see if he could stand it.

He couldn't.

[Chief]

:laugh2:

Nothing like a good fart story.

One time a friend of mine was getting ready to lift weights in his bedroom. He had his girlfriend over and she sat on the edge of the bed to watch Paul do his lifting.

Me and Paul's brother, Greg, walked back to the room to see what was going on and Paul was standing there in front of his bench press, stretching. He sort of leaned back to stretch and stuck his stomach out a bit. When he did this, his girlfriend (whom he was desperately trying to impress) reached out and poked him in the stomach with her finger.

She must have hit the fart button, because Paul fired one off right when she touched him. I guess he couldn't hold it in.

Greg and I fell to our knees we were laughing so hard.

[Yeagermeister]

Ok...not a funeral story but still something I am sure a few will get a good laugh out of. I have told this story before so some may remember it.

My cousin and I were stationed at Fort Polk at the same time. However we were in different companies.

At this time there was about 4-5 guys that shared rent at a place for a few months and we were two of the guys.

Well my cousin happened to have a day off for some reason. I had the day off but I had been up all night pulling CQ. For those that have not served it was a duty where you basically watch the company head quarters and check some other stuff. The worst part was you had to stay up for 24 hours but the good part was that once it was over you had the day off.

So My cousin comes and picks me up and we are heading back to the place. I tell him that we should stop and get some videos to watch.

So we stop in the Video store. I am still in uniform and there were two young girls working there at the time. By young I mean 19-21 range and I was just around 21-22 at the time.

Now I was single and my cousin was going through a separation at the time but it was not finalized.

So I am playing it cool walking around and giving the girls some come hither type looks...or at least I thought I was playing it cool.

So all of a sudden I felt a sneeze coming on. So I grab my nose and have this huge sneeze. No I did not blow snot everywhere but what I did was worse.

When you sneeze you ears, or at least mine, clog up some so I didn't hear it but boy did I feel it.

I had let a MONSTER fart. I am telling you it was so big and forceful it actually hurt my O ring.

Now I didn't hear it, but I know they had to hear it and I would not have been shocked if people out in the parking lot heard it.

Now my cousin is laughing so hard he is crying. I see the girls laughing but trying to hold it in as not to be rude.

So I figure...screw it, I can't take it back now and figured I would have some fun with it.

So as we were checking the videos out I asked the girls if they found it on the floor anywhere.

They look at the floor and at me and ask me what I am talking about, what did they find?

I say...Did you happen to find an arsehole laying on the floor because I am pretty sure it blew out of my pants after that fart.

Well...no more trying to hold back the laughter they both were rolling, my cousin was rolling and I started laughing as well.

Nothing can create nasty gas attacks like field rations. We used to get these boxes of milk with the rations and OMG we would have to open the flaps on the tent in the middle of winter in Germany if someone started firing them off.

Or you could always just put on your gas mask :D