Parcells 9 things we have to do this offseason (humor)

[lcharles]

1.File malpractice lawsuit against Jerrys plastic surgeon.

2.Scrap nickname "Tuna". Demand to be called "Dat Coach"

3.Extend Testeverde's contract. His skills have diminished, but the ability to ignore the boo's is critical.

4.Place a "Suggestion Box" in the locker room. (no more need for anonyomous letters.

5.Get hair dyed "Superbowl Blonde" baby!

6.Send Rowdy to NFL Europe with a one way ticket.

7.Prank calls to Daniel Snyders home yelling "SWEEP"!!

8.Get involved in coaching pee wee football, bring Henson along and sit him on the bench so he can "learn the game".

9.continue my master plan of destroying the Dallas Cowboys! (The whole Giant nation should thank Carthon and myself)




Now, lets hear yours. :skins: :jints: :iggles:

[devotedfan]

Doesn't want to bring Drew to Pop Warner,... risks losing the player. :D

[BrAinPaiNt]

1. Sign another player that needs to use a goofy nick name when saying his name on TV...aka Dat Dude.

2. Enemas and fair weather fan tattoos for those cowboy "fans" who leave texas stadium early when playing the redskins.

3. A surgical scalpel....to cut the umbilical cord between he and vinny.

4. A new, tighter, more supportive...Manzier, to control those run away man boobs.

5. A new religious hero on the team....because the "Repentor" is not doing his job.

6. A surgical operation to put a draw string in the back of Jerry Jones Scalp so they can pull it tight to remove any facial wrinkles when JJ is on TV.

7. A special shock collar to put in each players Jock Strap so in the event they commit a stupid penalty he can shock them on the field.

8. Before cutting Dexter Coakley...they should be kind enough to remove whatever they have lodged in his backside....so that he will no longer have that big bugged eyed surprised look all of the time.

9. Enemas and broken fingers/keyboards for those fans on message boards that continually whine, moan, complain and turn themselves into one trick ponies and feel the need to have <insert name here> movement siglines.

10. 20 more 7th round special teamers.

:ohboy:

[lcharles]

LOL!!!!! Brainpaint You beat me! That was funny stuff!

[The30YardSlant]

8. Before cutting Dexter Coakley...they should be kind enough to remove whatever they have lodged in his backside....so that he will no longer have that big bugged eyed surprised look all of the time.

That is quite possibly the funniest thing Ive ever read.

[Armbender]

1. Run and get his own water during training camp and stop relying on his rookies in order to get braggin rights over having a smaller belt size than Larry Allen.

2. Realize that having the best special teams players in the NFL is not going to get them to the Superbowl.

3. Run to the damn fence with the rest of his team when they jump offsides and make stupid penalties because of poor coaching.

4. Get some therapy to remove that "just got caught pumping the neighbors cat" look on his face when the cowboys let another game slip away.

5. Give Eddie George some advice..... sit him down.... tell him to scrape off the eye black under his eyes he wears year round.....throw away Eddie's self help cassette tape that tells him "he can still do it"

6. If he won't let Drew Henson drive the bus...at least walk him to the bus stop and hide behind the bushes until he gets on.

7. Follow Tony Romo to Europe.....learn a couple new foreign curse words for the upcoming season.

8. Beat Flozell Adams with a very large board for jumping offsides and then run like heck (goes back to the being in shape from running to the fence)

9. Pay back all the money he borrowed from Vinny's "FAMILY" so he doesn't have to keep making excuses to the media for the reason to play him each and every week.

:banghead:

[zagnut]

1.File malpractice lawsuit against Jerrys plastic surgeon.

2.Scrap nickname "Tuna". Demand to be called "Dat Coach"

3.Extend Testeverde's contract. His skills have diminished, but the ability to ignore the boo's is critical.

4.Place a "Suggestion Box" in...

Funny thread. Dat Coach, LMAO! :D

I don't think I can top either yours or Brain's, and I can't do this without being unfair to coaches and players I like, but what the hey...

Nine Things 2 Do
by Bill Parcells

1. Point out to OL they're fat and out-of-shape because, really, what's more motivating than being told you're fat and out-of-shape by someone who's EXTREMELY fat and out-of-shape.

2. Clarify comments about disliking small linebackers. Was referring to genitalia size, NOT height and weight. I'm, like, totally fine with short linebackers.

3. Send memo #1 to league, media and fans:

Dear Retardos,

Reading is FUNdamental. C-O-P-P-E-R, not Cooper. W-I-T-T-E-N, not Whitten. It's called a media guide.

Hugs,
Bill Purcells

4. Make bet with Terry Glenn. If he scores 15 touchdowns, I will get hair braids like him. Maybe even a fur coat.

5. Ask Wiley about the Dat Dude nickname when he turns in his playbook. I don't get it. Is it supposed to be ironic? funny? an anagram? Me confused. :(

6. When passing Roy in the hall, mention things like, "I don't think you're ready for this jelly," and ask him to, "say my name, say my name." He'll laugh. Need to show I can relate to the young players.

7. Make up sex rumor about Kelly Rowland and the Philadelphia Eagles football team. Note to self: Leave out Terrell Owens from rumor. Heh, heh, who would believe he had sex with a woman.

8. Send memo #2 to league, media, and fans:

Dear Beyotches,

When I need your wealth of knowledge and insight on developing QBs, I'll freakin' ask for it. Feel free to hold your breath 'til you get my call.

Hugs,
Bill "Hall of Fame Coach" Parcells

ps. You think Vinny's old? I'll be signing Kenny Stabler for 2005. F**kers.

9. Ask around about Larry Lacewell. What does he do around here? It's been two years and I still can't figure it out. Seems to play a lot of computer solitaire.

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