thank you all...
just got more bad news the last test results are in
...its terminal it has spread they are giving him 3 to 6 months 
part of me is....well all broken up and as sad as I hope to never be...
but another part of me knows that the last thing Dad would want is for me to make a fuss and I am sure that he would have hated to ever go into a retirement home if he couldn't ever take care of himself... if he makes it to his birthday he will be 88 he make think that has been long enough (not for me...but that is very selfish)...
I just don't know what to think my heart grieves and hurts but my head tells me not to...
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair....Bertrand Russell
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