A couple of jokes

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by 5Stars, Jan 22, 2012.

  1. 5Stars

    5Stars Here comes the Sun...

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    Killing Flies
    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
    What are you doing?" She asked.
    "Hunting Flies" He responded.
    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
    "Yep, three males, two Females," he replied.
    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell the sex of a fly?"
    He responded, "Well, three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

    Cold Weather is Coming
    I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in northern Michigan. He said that the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is at fifteen degrees and still dropping... and the wind is increasing to near gale force.
    Even the plows are having a hard time getting around.
    The schools are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the streets.
    He said his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window for hours on end, just staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

    Escaping the Bull
    At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."
    "Oh yeah, what happened?"
    "I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
    "So, how'd you get away?"
    "The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
    "Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I woulda probably crapped all over the place."
    "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"

    Six Double Vodkas
    A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
    The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
    "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
    The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
    On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
    The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
    "Yeah, my wife..."

    What do you like most?
    A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me? Is it my beautiful face? Or is it maybe my sexy body?"
    The husband carefully studied his wife from head to toe, taking it all in. Finally, he replied dryly, "I like your sense of humor."

    What do you like most?
    A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me? Is it my beautiful face? Or is it maybe my sexy body?"
    The husband carefully studied his wife from head to toe, taking it all in. Finally, he replied dryly, "I like your sense of humor."

    The Secretary
    The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
    He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
    She thought about it for a minute then replied "Everything but my ear rings!"

    The Old Man's Birthday
    An old fella was celebrating 72 years on this earth.
    He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 72 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
    "Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 72 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees."
    Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 72 too.

  2. Wimbo

    Wimbo Active Member

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    A man and a woman who had never met before,
    But who were both married to other people,
    Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
    ... They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ............
    'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
    To get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

    'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, ...... let's pretend that we're married.'

    'Wow! ........................ That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

    'Good,' she replied. ............. 'Get your own damn blanket.'

    After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.
    The End
  3. Rackat

    Rackat Active Member

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    The older couple on their wedding night finally got to the honeymoon suite.

    The woman slowly took off all of her clothes, asking as each item was removed how the old man liked what he saw. As expected, he liked all he saw.

    As it was his turn, he took off his pants to reveal some very disfigured knees.

    "On, my word!" she exclaimed. "What happened to your knees?"

    "I had kneesles as a child", he replied. "You mean 'measles'?" she asked. "No, kneesles, it only effected the knees." "Ah," she says, "I see."

    He reaches down to take off his socks only to reveal horrendously disfigured toes. "Oh, my!", she says. "What happened to your toes?!"

    "I had toelio as a child." he replies. "Toelio?!? Don't you mean Polio?" "Nope," he says, toelio only effects the toes."

    He moves on to his drawers, but just as he is about to pull them down she slaps her hand to her forehead and exclaimed, "Oh, lord! Don't tell me you had smallcox, too?!?!?!"

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