How about an official thread about farts?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by Batman, Dec 30, 2008.

  1. Batman

    Batman New Member

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    I hope this is the right forum to talk about farts since it is the off topic forum. What is your most memorable fart? For me it was just recently. I was havin fun with my Blackberry at a Taco Bell, and well you like now how they have those plastic benches. Well I did not much like the crowd around me and I felt a huge fart building up. I leaned over and just forced it out with everything I had and it was tremendously loud. The funniest thing is, there was a real fat guy in the seat behind me and everyone in the restaurant thought it was him as they were clearing out.
  2. CowboyWay

    CowboyWay If Coach would have put me in, we'd a won State

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    I've had a few really memorable ones, but the one I remember most clearly was about 20 years ago. I was in high school, middle of English class, and it was real quiet in there. The teacher was talking, and I must've been in some sort of haze, or just flat out forgot where I was, cause I lifted one of my cheeks and just let her rip like I was home alone or something. The fart was very loud and long, and it just reverberated off those cold hard ceramic seats.

    The entire class just stopped and turned and looked at me. There was nothing I could do. At first I was mortified, but there wasn't anything I could do about it, so I just tried to play it cool and laugh it off like I meant to do it.

    After doing that, all the other kids just thought it was funny as hell, and the whole class erupted in laughter.
  3. Chief

    Chief "Friggin Joke Monkey"

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    I hope I never get so mature that I don't think farts are funny anymore.

    Found this list and thought it was funny.

    Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

    Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

    Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

    Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your ******* smarting. You really feel these babies.

    Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.

    Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
    Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'

    Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

    Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

    Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

    Poopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

    Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

    Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

    SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)

    GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?

    Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

    Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

    Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

    Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.

    Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.

    Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along.
  4. Faerluna

    Faerluna I'm Complicated

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    This thread delivers. I'm wiping the tears from my eyes and my face hurts from laughing so hard.

    Fart humor, so un-ladylike...and yet:laugh2:
  5. Chief

    Chief "Friggin Joke Monkey"

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    There's a youtube video that had me laughing pretty hard. Maybe someone can post it.

    It was so inappropriate and disgusting, yet so funny.
  6. Dallas

    Dallas Old bulletproof tiger

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    I downloaded ifart onto my Iphone from the App store.

    I absolutely love it.

    Jack the Ripper is my favorite w/ Air Biscuit and The sick dog coming in a close second. :lmao2:

    You also have a sneak attack mode. You can set it for a certain amout of time and hide the phone in someones area and have it go off.

    They stand up and go.

    "hey....that really wasnt me..." and Im like "OMG - DUUUUDE" :lmao:
    "That was a Jack the Ripper if I ever heard one."


    Check it out
  7. Dallas

    Dallas Old bulletproof tiger

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    cuz farts make me giggle :laugh1:

    Whoever smelt it - dealt it
  8. Yeagermeister

    Yeagermeister Active Member

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    I had a roommate in the Army that would pull sneak attacks all the time. He'd come over to my side of the room drop an SBD and leave. You'd have to open all of the windows to get rid of the smell.

    The best one was my dog. He'd walk into my wife's computer room/office and drop one. He'd come back to my office and I'd give him a good boy. :D
  9. bbgun

    bbgun Benched

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  10. vta

    vta The Proletariat

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    Thanks for broaching this topic.
    During lunch today, I had to explain the nuances of the fart to a female co-worker and let her know why they're so funny.

    When it's inappropriate and unexpected, farts are very funny and worth their weight in gold.

    The story's I could impart, what with a friend who can fart at will...
  11. Faerluna

    Faerluna I'm Complicated

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  12. Hostile

    Hostile The Duke

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    Okay, I was pulling a double shift so that I could have Friday off. My friend Kenny (his car), my brother David, and I were heading to California for the weekend.

    It was January, we were living in Utah and we were sick of the bitter cold.

    I didn't have time to stop to eat so I had bought a jar of Planter's Honey Roasted Peanuts. I ate the whole jar during the double shift. It was the only thing I ate all that day. It did something very nasty to me.

    I got off work, showered, grabbed my stuff and we hit the road. They had a pillow and blanket in the back seat for me. They were going to take turns driving all night. I was going to sleep until we got there. It was about 10 below outside and close to midnight.

    Kenny's driving and they had The Beach Boys in the stereo. I suppose to set the California mood.

    So I'm trying to sleep but my stomach is starting to do a very bad thing. It was silent, but oh so violent. Honestly, the worst I have ever smelt. David and Kenny didn't know what hit them. One second they were singing along to "Good Vibrations" and the next minute they were gagging and cussing.

    I started cracking up but quietly so they didn't know I was awake. After accusing each other of the foulness that was in the car they decided it was me. But I was asleep. No I wasn't.

    Pretty soon I felt the bubble again and I let it go. This time I think they were singing "Barbara Ann." (I'm just guessing on the songs from this point on. I only remember the first one.) Just like before they were in mid voice when the green cloud struck. Oh the language that ensued. I wouldn't step in what was coming out of their mouths. Of course I couldn't blame them either. It was really foul. Thank heavens I had a pillow to cover my mouth and nose.

    A discussion ensued as to what they could do. My brother suggested a cork up my trash. I ask you, is that any way for a brother to think about his own flesh and blood? They were pretty sure something had crawled up my trash and died. They did a lot of guessing at what I had eaten. It was disgusting.

    Pretty soon the fog cleared and they resumed their merriment, but it was mixed with ideas of what to do if I exploded again. I had to oblige. This time a new development for my joy. It was so bad they had to roll down the windows and stick their heads out. I refer you again to the temperature outside. This delighted me. The pillow was now not just a mask for the smell but to hide my absolute laughter. I was glad for that blanket too because it was butt cold out there.

    When the windows went back up the heater came on full blast. The conversation was about one thing. How could they endure or survive the gas chamber. I was being threatened. I might have to walk. In that cold. At night. If I was going to go down, I was going to go down swinging. Okay, make that gassing.

    And gas them I did. And now they weren't even hesitating. Down would go the windows and out went their heads. My brother even showed Kenny how the tears from the corners of his eyes were freezing on his cheeks.

    I have no idea why they weren't "waking me up" to complain. I guess they had too much respect for me. Too bad for them I was not returning the favor. Honey roasted peanut farts were a nasty flavor. I say that because they whined about how they could taste it because it was so thick.

    About 2 hours into this game I decided to speak up when they had the windows down. So that's what I did. I gassed them and while they had their heads out the windows I cussed them for trying to freeze me to death. Oh you would not believe how pissed off they were when they told me to kiss their trash.

    They proceeded to tell me I was killing them. So I obliged them and kept on going. Only now as they were sticking their heads out the windows I was begging them not to kill the farts. They were only babies. I sat in the back seat gassing, laughing, and making comments.

    When we got to the next town I was told to go take a dump. I did. It was really bad. How bad? There was a guy heading into the bathroom as I was heading out. He went inside and turned right around and came back out holding his nose.

    To this day, David and Kenny do not think kindly of that trip.
  13. theogt

    theogt Surrealist Zone Supporter

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    What did the turd say to the fart? "You go on ahead, and tell 'em I'm coming."
  14. Signals

    Signals Suspicious looking stranger

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    I had friend from high school, that when he ate Planters peanuts his breath smelled like he ate poop. I remember my first experience with him after he had been eating peanuts. I looked around thinking: " did I step in dog poop?"

    Then after few minutes I realized it was his breath. At first I wasn't convinced it was his breath. I couldn't believe such foul smell could exist in a persons mouth without them knowing it.


    I remember grieving for his wife and son at that moment. :laugh2:

    I cant imagine how hard it is to get that odor out of your mouth or throat.

    Looking back on the situation, I would have to rank his breath as the worst I had ever smelled, and trust me I have smelled some awful breath in my life.

    Thank you allowing this bad breath intermission. I now return you to your regularly scheduled fart thread.

  15. CowboyJeff

    CowboyJeff New Member

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    I purchased this book a few years ago for my kids. LOL Highly recommended!
  16. Rackat

    Rackat Active Member

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    The quadruple whammy
    Definition: It happens all at once - Cough/Sneeze/Fart in class

    Setting: Spring 1983, 3rd period English class, Junior Year

    My mom had made tacos and burritos the night before and I ate to my then teen age heart's content. I had a Spring cold from the changing weather (cold for a few days, warm for a few days). Sitting there in class, my nose got that itchy "I'm going to sneeze" feeling. So, I prepared to hold the snot from flying with the paper towel I had been carrying. Just as I am about to sneeze, my throat started itching to cough. I reared my head back for the sneeze and let loose. That's when the burrito's revenge from the night before hit me.

    I sneezed, coughed and farted all at the same time. It was such a calamity the entire class turned to look at me to see if I keeled over dead from the massive eplosion of air from three bodily orifices. I was so stunned, I just sat there in silence for a moment. That's when the teacher, much to my chagrin, asked "Do you need to see the nurse?"

    I just nodded and exited the class.
  17. Yeagermeister

    Yeagermeister Active Member

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    :lmao2: :lmao2: :lmao2: :lmao2: :lmao2:
  18. WoodysGirl

    WoodysGirl U.N.I.T.Y Staff Member

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    This one sums up by boss at my first job in Houston. He was just awful. He'd come by your desk, talk to you, and then when he left, there was always a smell where you just want to fall out of chair.

    My brother is deadly in a different way. He just farts with no warning. Loud and stinky. And it doesn't matter where he is. We were at a store and he farted and ran all of us off the aisle. It was awful. I'm talking about choking level. I don't know how it would qualify on Chief's list, but man, it's something terrible to behold.
  19. Hostile

    Hostile The Duke

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    Question related to this. Why is it when something stinks, we smell it twice? Let's say I'm not sure about the milk so I open it up and take a sniff. If it is sour I am going to sniff it again. Then for some unknown reason I am going to hand it to someone else and demand that they smell it. Strange thing is, they will...twice.

    Why do we smell stinky stuff twice?
  20. Yeagermeister

    Yeagermeister Active Member

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    Too make sure we were right the first time? lol

    As for having someone else smell. It's so they can join your misery. lol

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