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Humor: Order in the court!

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by Signals, Feb 26, 2009.

  1. Signals

    Signals Suspicious looking stranger

    4,583 Messages
    9 Likes Received
    The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    _____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment
    of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
    your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways do es it affect
    your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
    of something you forgot?

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
    husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
    has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that
    when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
    know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
    exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
    twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when
    your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you ****in' me?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception
    (of the baby ws August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing
    at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children,
    right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Are you ****in' me?
    Your Honor, I think I need a different
    attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ___________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
    terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was
    it terminated?

    WITNESS: Now whose death do you
    suppose terminated it?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and
    had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Guess.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this
    morning pursuant to a deposition notice
    which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when
    I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your
    autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed
    on dead people. Would you like to rephrase
    that?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
    OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
    you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around
    8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead
    at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the
    table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy on him!

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a
    urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to
    ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
    the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
    pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
    patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
    on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have
    still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
    have been alive and practicing law.
  2. BrAinPaiNt

    BrAinPaiNt Brotherhood of the Beard Staff Member

    59,658 Messages
    2,675 Likes Received
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
    has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


    :laugh2: Harvey Korman and Mel Brooks would be proud.



    Man alive there was some funny ones on there.
  3. Bob Sacamano

    Bob Sacamano Benched

    57,074 Messages
    1 Likes Received
    which guess which one is theo and which one is peplaw...

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
    the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
    pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
    patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
    on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have
    still been alive, nevertheless? <=theo

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
    have been alive and practicing law.




    this is so ****ing theo
  4. dougonthebench

    dougonthebench Cowboys Forever

    2,403 Messages
    0 Likes Received
    good stuff right here! I'd have to bite my tongue if asked questions like that too.The smart-alec in me would be dying to come out.

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