Last update: June 11, 2005 at 11:55 PM C.J.: If ever a whiz there was ... C.J., Star Tribune June 12, 2005 Troubled Viking Onterrio Smith has been unmasked as an original pee brain. Smith, suspended last week by the NFL for violating its substance-abuse policy a third time, was cited for urinating in a Block E elevator on May 1, 2004, about 2:20 a.m. This was more than a year before the running back would be detained at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport because his carry-on luggage contained a white powder that turned out to be dried urine that comes with a gizmo for circumventing drug tests marketed as "The Original Whizzinator." According to Minneapolis police officer Michael Casey's report, he was working off-duty when told about a male suspect apparently planning to urinate in the elevator. Casey contacted a security guy who was monitoring the video surveillance system. "The security officer observed ... urinating in the corner of the elevator," Casey's report states. Informed that the urinating subject was in a car outside Le Meridien hotel, Casey went out to talk with Smith, who was in the driver's seat. "There were three other persons in the vehicle. I asked [Smith] why he urinated in the elevator. He asked me if I 'was for real.' I told him to step out of his vehicle." Instead of showing Smith a restroom where he could wash his hands, Casey took him to review the tape: "Several females were in the elevator. They reacted by fleeing the general area where he was urinating. I inspected the elevator. I found a large urine-soiled area in the left corner." The bad news is that Smith has got a thing or two to learn about truly thrilling the ladies. The good news: Now the NFL knows where to get a pure Onterrio urine specimen. On Thursday a police clerk said that no charges were brought. On the way to documenting this case, I came upon another court matter with Smith's distinctive name on it. He is scheduled to make an appearance at Hennepin County's Ridgedale outpost on July 15 to deal with a charge of "driving after suspension." He should have no trouble being prompt for court appearances, since he's got nothing but time on his hands this season. Funny as this is, it seems like getting cited for public urination would be a pathetic cry for help by this handsome, misguided athlete. That question was put to Smith's agent, Doug Hendrickson, in two voice-mails. Have yet to hear back. Crime watch "I think they may indeed find Michael Jackson guilty," Minnesota criminal profiler Pat Brown predicted Thursday morning. She has been all over TV news shows talking about Jennifer Wilbanks, Georgia's runaway bride, and Natalee Holloway, the Alabama teen missing in Aruba. "Oddly, TV uses me at the beginning of a case and not at the end," Brown has noticed, so she doesn't expect to do much national TV on the Jackson case once there's a verdict. I invited her to have at it here: "This has got to be the simplest case known to man. Simple fact. Boy in bed with adult man, who has child pornography. Everybody can figure that out in five minutes," said Brown. "You can go on all you want about how he's childlike. What really is damning, regardless of Michael wanting to be Peter Pan with lost boys: It's pretty hard to explain why you're giving underage boys alcohol, and it's pretty hard to explain why you have child pornography involving little boys." As for Wilbanks, Brown is not amused that she got a slap on the wrist and concludes that the Wilbanks family must have lots of power in Duluth, Ga. Brown is even more outraged about reports that Wilbanks and her "fiancé" John Mason may be inking a deal to do a movie of the week and TV interview. "Lying does pay off, now, doesn't it?" As for Holloway, it looks to Brown as though authorities have finally arrested the right guys, a trio picked up Thursday. Soucheray's diversity Joe O'Brien former program director for AM 1500, is looking for the next big thing because he's sensing a change in the radio waves. "It's evolving from the angry-white-guy-pounding-on-a-table era to more of not forgetting that it's entertainment," said O'Brien. If this means less Rush Limbaugh and Joe Soucheray, yippee! O'Brien claims that recent listeners of Soucheray hear less anger and more humorous entertainment. Please. Today on "The Next Big Thing," attorney Clinton Collins gets to spend two hours seeing whether he is it. Collins is kind of the angry black guy columnist for the Rake. O'Brien said he voluntarily stepped down as AM 1500's P.D. to rekindle his on-air career. Hubbard Broadcasting owes O'Brien a debt of gratitude for hiring Ian Punnett, whose FM 107 "Balanced Breakfast with Ian and Margery Punnett" is a wonderfully literate way to begin the day. Nice Guy is canned "What happened to morning meteorologist Jim Guy? Bio pulled off KSTP.com," read an e-mail from Damon. My phone lines lit up Thursday after Guy got axed. Is this the start of holding weather people accountable for predictions? Unlikely. C.J. is at 612.332.TIPS or firstname.lastname@example.org.