Texas Chili Cook Off

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by Hostile, Mar 20, 2007.

  1. Hostile

    Hostile The Duke

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    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
    Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili
    cook-off because no one else wanted to do it.

    Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
    and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
    asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
    could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this
    as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an
    internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

    ME: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
    beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
    These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.
    Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
    taken seriously.

    ME: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
    sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
    wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
    maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The
    barmaid, looks like a professional wrestler after a bad
    night. She was so irritated over my gagging that the snake
    tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like
    Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a
    fight with her.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
    more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
    use of red peppers.

    ME: This has got to be a joke. Call
    the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
    now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
    wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
    in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call
    her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.

    JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black
    beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not
    much of a chili.

    ME: I felt something scraping
    across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was
    standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to
    dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort
    of coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
    ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    ME: My ears are ringing and I can no
    longer focus my eyes. Belched and four people in front of
    me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I
    told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
    saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
    pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
    asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
    balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
    Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    ME: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
    with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
    me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
    canned Peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
    threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should
    note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to
    be in a bit of distress.

    ME: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and
    pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight
    in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
    water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy
    they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before
    it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there
    to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
    painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
    air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.
    Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super
    nova on my tongue.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
    neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
    lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on
    top of himself.

    JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a
    nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy
    enough to declare its existence.

    ME: Mommy?
  2. Danny White

    Danny White Winter is Coming

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    You need to toughen up, buttercup. ;)
  3. DallasCowpoke

    DallasCowpoke Fierce Allegiance

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    Your not a member of a deposed royal family, from an obscure African nation too by any chance?

  4. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal Insulin Beware

    12,379 Messages
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    One of the downsides of being a vegetarian - vegetarian chili will never stack up to the greasy bowl of stuff my grandfather put together.
  5. Hostile

    Hostile The Duke

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    You got a bounty?

    Actually the ME, isn't me. Just the way it was written from where I copied and pasted it. Had a good laugh at that one.
  6. Danny White

    Danny White Winter is Coming

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    Vegetarian??? No wonder you're having trouble with the ladies! :p:

    Sorry, that was a low blow... but come on, try a steak for crying out loud.
  7. jimmy40

    jimmy40 Well-Known Member

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  8. notherbob

    notherbob Well-Known Member

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    Good chili registers on the Ricter scale.
    Good chili is usually found under a mushroom-shaped cloud.
    Good chili melts a Geiger counter.

    Seriously, if you want to make the best chili you can, it all starts with the quality of the ingredients you put in it. If you use ordinary ingredients, you get ordinary results but if you use superior ingredients, you get superior results.

    Outside of the kind of peppers you choose for your own personal burn, the base that brings all the other things together is the choice of which gourmet garlic to use in your creation. Not all garlics taste the same and some are much richer and stronger and more garlicky than others - all are better than grocery store garlic. It also makes a difference when you add the garlic as the less cooking time involved, the more garlicky the flavor.

    Good chili is more than just hot, it has depth and breadth and a personality.

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