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The Midwest......

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by Jimz31, Apr 26, 2004.

  1. Jimz31

    Jimz31 The Sarcastic One

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    Those of us in the Midwest realize that sometimes misunderstandings can
    develop when Easterners and Californians travel through our wonderful
    states. So, from now on, when entering our states, they will be handed the
    following:



    Midwest Information Guide:



    1. That farm boy standing next to the grain bin did more work before
    breakfast than you do all week at the gym.... so think twice before making
    fun of his bib-overalls and greasy John Deere hat.



    2. It's called a "dirt road." No matter how slow you drive, you are going
    to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it, or get out of the way.



    3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were four years old. Yeah, we
    saw "Bambi." We got over it.



    4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
    whipped.... by our women.



    5. Go a! head and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Just don't cry to us if a
    flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
    little trout you fish for.... "bait."



    6. Pull your pants up and turn your baseball cap around. You look like an
    idiot.



    7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
    final approach, we WILL shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
    your ear at the time.



    8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you
    paid in the airport for one drink.



    9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu at the truck stop. Order
    the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey if you've a
    mind to act like a jackass.



    10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served in a
    glass of ice.



    11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on the weekends?
    We're
    real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we use
    two weeks a year.



    12. Let's get this straight: We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
    it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.



    13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks.... because they want to. So,
    you're a feminist. Ain't that cute?



    14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too.... and turtle. You really want sushi
    and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.



    15. They're pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.



    16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
    holiday. You can get! breakfast at the church. You don't go to church? Then
    stay home.



    17. So, every person in every pickup truck waves. It's called "being
    friendly." Understand the concept?



    18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks
    the fish.



    19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
    an idiot.... his name is "Sir".... no matter how old or young he is.



    Enjoy your visit.
  2. RatisBeast

    RatisBeast Chevy Guy

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    hahahaha, love it. Very funny stuff, especially like number 3. :D
  3. RatisBeast

    RatisBeast Chevy Guy

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    While fishing off the Florida coast, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old guy standing on the shore, the Yankee shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

    Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."


    Two Yankee's came down to Louisiana to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road and a sign that read "BEAR LEFT"; so they went home.



    "Cajun Air Lines"
    Pierre and Boudreaux was flying to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back when da plane started bouncin around and knocked Boudreaux unconscious. Pierre got worried when da plane started driftin, and come up to da front to find Boudreaux sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

    Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin so he grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

    "Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry 'bout nuttin. We gonna splain you how to land dis plane, step by step. Furst, how high you are, an whas you position?"

    Pierre thought a minute, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of dis plane."

    No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"

    Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Lawzeeanna!"

    "No! No!" came the exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground and you planes relation to da airport!"

    Pierre, he really be panicking by dis time. He say firmly, "Counting Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun! An I don believe dis plane be related to you airport!"

    A long pause in da Control Tower--de silence was deafaning and then the voice come back-- "We needs to know who be you next of kin.."


    CAJUNS ENTER THE WAR!

    The Cajuns heard that Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided to get involved. Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.

    "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. I'm callin' to told you we be officially declarin' war on you!"

    "Well, Boudreaux," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my cousin Thibedeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!"

    Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Hmmm..." said Boudreaux. "I gots to call you back later!" Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam asked.

    "Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor."

    Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers."

    "Hmmmm..." said Boudreaux. "I gots to get back to you later." Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! We've took Marcell's utra-light glider an we put us shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!"

    Saddam cleared his throat. "I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, my army has increased to TWO MILLION!"

    "Hmmm...", said Boudreaux, "I gots ta call you back later." Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. "Bon jour, Sad-damn! You is lucky--we is callin' off dis war."

    "Oh, really?" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," said Boudreaux, "we all had a long talk at the bar and Sheriff Broussard he say no way he's gonna feed no two million prisoners!!"


    "Multiple Births"

    It seems a very excited redneck called the country doctor to his house to deliver his wife's baby.

    During the labor, the lights went off and the doctor had to ask the expectant father to hold the lantern near so he could assist in the baby's birth.

    After the arrival of the first baby the redneck was about to put the lantern down on the table when the doctor hollered, "Wait a minute, hold that lantern back up. I believe there is another baby coming! " Sure enough, the lady delivered a second infant. The redneck was again ready to place the lantern on the table when the doctor yelled, "Wait a minute! Hold that up again, here comes another one!"

    Completely dazed, the panicking father scratched his head and asked the doctor, "You reckon it's the light that's attracting them?"

    Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital up north. One day while they were walking past the center's indoor swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end and sunk to the bottom.
    Mary promptly dove in after her friend, swimming to the bottom and pulling him to safety.

    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her released from the hospital, considering her mentally stable.

    When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've come to your senses. The bad news is your friend Jim hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I'm sorry, but he's dead."

    Mary smiled brightly. "That's okay, he didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
  4. Tio

    Tio Armchair QB

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    LOL at both of you...
  5. RatisBeast

    RatisBeast Chevy Guy

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    Stop laughing at me.... i have a low self-esteem as is.... :p
  6. Tio

    Tio Armchair QB

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    Figures for someone who still laughs at farts....(like me :))
  7. RatisBeast

    RatisBeast Chevy Guy

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    lol did you see it ? pretty funny right ? and i thought i was the only "immature" one that would get a kick out of it.
  8. Tio

    Tio Armchair QB

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    "Great" minds, think alike...
  9. RatisBeast

    RatisBeast Chevy Guy

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    I'm far from great :( but thanks for the compliment . :eek:

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