Those of us in the Midwest realize that sometimes misunderstandings can develop when Easterners and Californians travel through our wonderful states. So, from now on, when entering our states, they will be handed the following: Midwest Information Guide: 1. That farm boy standing next to the grain bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.... so think twice before making fun of his bib-overalls and greasy John Deere hat. 2. It's called a "dirt road." No matter how slow you drive, you are going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it, or get out of the way. 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were four years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi." We got over it. 4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped.... by our women. 5. Go a! head and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Just don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for.... "bait." 6. Pull your pants up and turn your baseball cap around. You look like an idiot. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we WILL shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink. 9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu at the truck stop. Order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey if you've a mind to act like a jackass. 10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served in a glass of ice. 11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on the weekends? We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we use two weeks a year. 12. Let's get this straight: We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks.... because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Ain't that cute? 14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too.... and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop. 15. They're pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. 16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get! breakfast at the church. You don't go to church? Then stay home. 17. So, every person in every pickup truck waves. It's called "being friendly." Understand the concept? 18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish. 19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot.... his name is "Sir".... no matter how old or young he is. Enjoy your visit.