Worlds funniest jokes? You be the judge

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by Sam I Am, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. Sam I Am

    Sam I Am Unfriendly and Aloof!

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    This is the back story of the two jokes below that were rated to two most funny jokes.

    In September 2001 Richard Wiseman and The British Association for the Advancement of Science embarked on one of the world’s largest, and most unusual, scientific experiments. The project aimed to find the world’s funniest joke and answer important questions about the psychology of humour.

    Link to the Laugh Lab site.

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”


    They are both pretty good, but I don't know about the most funny. They definitely have the two jokes in the correct order though.
  2. MonsterD

    MonsterD Quota outta absentia

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    First one was excruciating, second one was slightly funny.
  3. NorthTexan95

    NorthTexan95 Well-Known Member

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    Both of those jokes are good ... here's another one:

    A man called 911: "I need y'all to come over and pickup my wife. She was attacked by a dog and she needs help real bad."

    911: "Where are you at?"

    Man: "We're at 212 Sycamore St."

    911: "How do you spell that?"

    Man: "Tell you what, I'm going to drag her over to Oak street and you can pick her up there."
  4. Dallas

    Dallas Old bulletproof tiger

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    A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

    "And?" asked the doctor.

    "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"
  5. Dallas

    Dallas Old bulletproof tiger

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    The bank manager noticed the new clerk was terrible when it came to counting money and adding up figures.

    "Where did you get your financial education?" he asks.

    "Yale," replies the lad.

    The manager is sure he's misheard the man, so he asks his question again and the man again responds "Yale."

    That can't be right, thinks the manager. He decides he's going to check it out online.

    "And what's your full name again?" asks the manager.

    "Yim Yohnson."
  6. yimyammer

    yimyammer Well-Known Member

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    A man takes his trash out and notices one of his trash cans is in bad shape and its life has run its course, so he takes it and puts it inside of one of the other usable trash cans.

    The next time he goes to take out the trash he sees that the garbage men pulled the can out and left it with the others, so he puts it inside of one of the other cans and covers it with some of the trash.

    The next time he goes out, its back again after being pulled out by the trash men. So he gets a sledge hammer and pummels it into a ball and places it in one of the trash cans.

    He takes the trash out days later and is shocked to see that the trash men have yet again pulled the ball of metal out of the other trash can, straightened it out and placed it alongside the rest of his trash cans.

    Frustrated, the man ponders how in the world you're supposed to throw a trash can away? So he goes to his garage and grabs a big chain and wraps it around the can and chains it to the tree in his front yard.

    Before the sun had set, someone stole it
  7. trickblue

    trickblue Not Old School...Old Testament...

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    What's the number one pick-up line in Arkansas?

    That's a mighty pretty tooth ya got there...
  8. trickblue

    trickblue Not Old School...Old Testament...

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    A couple from New York City had decided to drive through the South on vacation to see what it was like.

    Driving through rural Alabama, the happened upon a local diner and decided to stop there and eat.

    The waitress came to their table and immediately realized they weren't locals as she heard them discussing the menu. In the tradition of Southern friendliness, she asked them: "So were are ya'll from"? in heavy Southern dialect.

    The man, without looking up, said "We're from a place that doesn't end their sentences with prepositions"...

    The waitress, without batting an eye returned: "Oh I'm sorry... where are ya'll from, arsehole"...
  9. BrAinPaiNt

    BrAinPaiNt Backwoods Sexy Staff Member

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    Not the funniest jokes...but most of the funniest jokes are not family friendly. :D
  10. Wimbo

    Wimbo Active Member

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    An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

    "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

    "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

  11. daschoo

    daschoo Slanje Va

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    The phone rings at a hotel.
    "You have to help me, it's Mr Jones in room 512, my wife says if she doesn't get a sandwich and a drink in the next 10 minutes she's going to throw herself out the window"
    "I'm very sorry sir but you've phoned maintenance, you need to speak to room service"
    "No you don't understand, I can't get the damn window open"

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