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What Is The Funniest Joke You Know By Heart?
- Thread starter Ranched
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JohnnyTheFox
Achilleslastand
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I know several good ones, none of which i can post here.
JIMMYBUFFETT
Skinwalker
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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Excuse me Mr. Rabbit but do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "Why no Mr. Bear I don't have a problem with poop sticking to my fur." So the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his butt with him.
Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy
Vtwin
Safety third
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The only forum friendly joke I can remember right now. Might be a regional aspect to it so I hope it translates.
My Uncle Chester wasn't much of a people person. He decided early on in life that he needed his space, so he bought himself a big piece way up in the mountains. He built himself a cabin, cleared out a big garden, got a cow, some chickens, a few sheep, etc. Life was good for Chester. He came down into town a couple times a year to barter for supplies and catch up on world events, and back to the cabin for another six months.
As good as life was, Chester did begin to long for some female companionship. As you can imagine though, there wasn't much of a market given his chosen lifestyle. He mentioned this to Linus, the proprietor of the general store, on his next trip to town. Linus asked him if thought about getting one of them mail order brides. Chester had never heard of such a thing, so Linus explained it to him and showed him how to shop for one on this new fangled internet thing. Chester figured what the hell and took a shine to a pretty, and sturdy looking Middle Eastern girl and with Linus' help Chester's new bride was on the way.
Things went very well for Chester and his bride. Apparently the mountain life of solitude and hard work was better than the life she left behind and she embraced it. They hit it off very well and by the time the snow melted Chester and his wife were expecting a baby.
Chester was ecstatic with the prospect of having a son to raise. Joy and love flooded the mountain as summer set in. One day they got around to picking out a name. Thus began the first real disagreement between the two lovebirds. Chester wanted a traditional name fitting for the region but his wife wanted to honor her Middle Eastern heritage. The argument lasted for weeks. Chester ended up sleeping in the barn and making his own coffee in the morning. It was a real donnybrook. Eventually Chester decided that with winter coming, he might want to go back to sleeping in the house so he figured maybe he needed to compromise a bit on this one.
A few weeks later little Yassir Youbetcha Lafleur came into the world.
My Uncle Chester wasn't much of a people person. He decided early on in life that he needed his space, so he bought himself a big piece way up in the mountains. He built himself a cabin, cleared out a big garden, got a cow, some chickens, a few sheep, etc. Life was good for Chester. He came down into town a couple times a year to barter for supplies and catch up on world events, and back to the cabin for another six months.
As good as life was, Chester did begin to long for some female companionship. As you can imagine though, there wasn't much of a market given his chosen lifestyle. He mentioned this to Linus, the proprietor of the general store, on his next trip to town. Linus asked him if thought about getting one of them mail order brides. Chester had never heard of such a thing, so Linus explained it to him and showed him how to shop for one on this new fangled internet thing. Chester figured what the hell and took a shine to a pretty, and sturdy looking Middle Eastern girl and with Linus' help Chester's new bride was on the way.
Things went very well for Chester and his bride. Apparently the mountain life of solitude and hard work was better than the life she left behind and she embraced it. They hit it off very well and by the time the snow melted Chester and his wife were expecting a baby.
Chester was ecstatic with the prospect of having a son to raise. Joy and love flooded the mountain as summer set in. One day they got around to picking out a name. Thus began the first real disagreement between the two lovebirds. Chester wanted a traditional name fitting for the region but his wife wanted to honor her Middle Eastern heritage. The argument lasted for weeks. Chester ended up sleeping in the barn and making his own coffee in the morning. It was a real donnybrook. Eventually Chester decided that with winter coming, he might want to go back to sleeping in the house so he figured maybe he needed to compromise a bit on this one.
A few weeks later little Yassir Youbetcha Lafleur came into the world.
Ranched
"We Are Penn State"
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A blonde & a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office & finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck & trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office & finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck & trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Oz-of-Cowboy-Country
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Denim Chicken
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My favorite joke:
Two guys are sitting around watching a dog lick his balls.
One guy says "man, I wish I could do that"
The other replies, " don't you think you should pet him first?"
Two guys are sitting around watching a dog lick his balls.
One guy says "man, I wish I could do that"
The other replies, " don't you think you should pet him first?"
Cowpolk
Landry Hat
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Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can.
MWH1967
The Cook
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Guy walks into a night club and sees a guy sitting at a table alone with a (HUGE) lighter on his table. So, he walks up and says, "I've never seen a lighter that big before, where did you get it?"
Guy says" You see that dude playing the piano over there? He is a genie and if you ask nicely he may grant you a wish. So the guy walks over to the piano and says, "I hear you are a genie, will you grant me a wish?
Fine!!!, one last one for the day, I'm done! What do you want?
Guy says well, If i can ask I want a million bucks! Genie says...............GRANTED!! and all of a sudden there were a Million (DUCKS!) walking around in the place!
The guy says, Thanks! and wades his way through all the ducks back to the table the guy with the big lighter was sitting at.
He says, "Your genie friend is very gracious but, he is a (Little hard of hearing is he not?)
Guy says, (You think?) Do you really think i REALLY ask for a 12" BIC?????????
https://encrypted-tbn2.***NOT-ALLOWED***/shopping?q=tbn:ANd9GcRmueYx-dk0EWzrs9vYKNM5xRmLhJuh6fAM6JVrXjWqOeHZsKmp9S0MZK7SMV52U7ICWWLaG-0FhQ&usqp=CAc YEEEEEEHAW!!
Guy says" You see that dude playing the piano over there? He is a genie and if you ask nicely he may grant you a wish. So the guy walks over to the piano and says, "I hear you are a genie, will you grant me a wish?
Fine!!!, one last one for the day, I'm done! What do you want?
Guy says well, If i can ask I want a million bucks! Genie says...............GRANTED!! and all of a sudden there were a Million (DUCKS!) walking around in the place!
The guy says, Thanks! and wades his way through all the ducks back to the table the guy with the big lighter was sitting at.
He says, "Your genie friend is very gracious but, he is a (Little hard of hearing is he not?)
Guy says, (You think?) Do you really think i REALLY ask for a 12" BIC?????????
https://encrypted-tbn2.***NOT-ALLOWED***/shopping?q=tbn:ANd9GcRmueYx-dk0EWzrs9vYKNM5xRmLhJuh6fAM6JVrXjWqOeHZsKmp9S0MZK7SMV52U7ICWWLaG-0FhQ&usqp=CAc YEEEEEEHAW!!
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Ranched
"We Are Penn State"
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BigStar
Stop chasing
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I've heard this slight variation too
CouchCoach
Staff member
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Henry is down in Mexico vacationing on his second day when he develops a horrible toothache so he finds a dentist in the phone book, Dr. Pedro "Painless" Pasquales, calls and goes in for an appointment.
Dr. Pasquales is an older dentist with really think glasses and after the examination tells Henry the tooth has to come out and quickly.
Henry panics a little and says "Dr. Pasquales, I am just vacationing here and don't know you, do you have any previous patients in America I can call"? The dentist tells him that he has a book of former patients and he is welcome to call any of them
Henry looks through the book and finds Ralph Stanley in Lincoln, Nebraska and dials his number.
"Hello Mr. Stanley, my name is Henry Jenkins, you don't know me, but I am vacationing in Mexico and developed a toothache and am in the office of Dr. Pedro Pasquales, make that Dr. Pedro "Painless" Pasquales" (noticing the dentist seemed to be listening) and I got your number as a former patient so what can you tell me? He wants to pull my tooth".
"Mr. Jenkins was it? Yes, I went to "Painless" about 10 years ago with the same problem you seem to have, what is it you would like to know"?
"How was it, were you OK after that? I don't want to spend the rest of my vacation in pain".
"I can best answer that by telling you something about myself. I have an 18 year old son that has been signed by the St. Louis Cardinals as a pitcher and his fastball has been clocked at 101 mph. Last weekend we had a backyard get together and I wanted our friends to see him pitch and I decided to catch him. He was taking it easy, throwing curves and sliders and our friends were oohing and aahing and I decided to really let them see it so I told him to turn the heater loose and show them that fastball. He was feeling pretty special himself and let one really fly but it was a little low and I could not get my glove down fast enough and that 101 mph fastball hit me right square in the balls. And that is the only time in 10 years my mouth hasn't hurt"!
Dr. Pasquales is an older dentist with really think glasses and after the examination tells Henry the tooth has to come out and quickly.
Henry panics a little and says "Dr. Pasquales, I am just vacationing here and don't know you, do you have any previous patients in America I can call"? The dentist tells him that he has a book of former patients and he is welcome to call any of them
Henry looks through the book and finds Ralph Stanley in Lincoln, Nebraska and dials his number.
"Hello Mr. Stanley, my name is Henry Jenkins, you don't know me, but I am vacationing in Mexico and developed a toothache and am in the office of Dr. Pedro Pasquales, make that Dr. Pedro "Painless" Pasquales" (noticing the dentist seemed to be listening) and I got your number as a former patient so what can you tell me? He wants to pull my tooth".
"Mr. Jenkins was it? Yes, I went to "Painless" about 10 years ago with the same problem you seem to have, what is it you would like to know"?
"How was it, were you OK after that? I don't want to spend the rest of my vacation in pain".
"I can best answer that by telling you something about myself. I have an 18 year old son that has been signed by the St. Louis Cardinals as a pitcher and his fastball has been clocked at 101 mph. Last weekend we had a backyard get together and I wanted our friends to see him pitch and I decided to catch him. He was taking it easy, throwing curves and sliders and our friends were oohing and aahing and I decided to really let them see it so I told him to turn the heater loose and show them that fastball. He was feeling pretty special himself and let one really fly but it was a little low and I could not get my glove down fast enough and that 101 mph fastball hit me right square in the balls. And that is the only time in 10 years my mouth hasn't hurt"!
timb2
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A blonde is in her red corvette racing down the highway when a motorcycle cop who also is a blonde female pulls her over.
Motorcycle Cop" Can I see your ID".
BLONDE" Uh what does an ID look like"?
Motorcycle Cop" It's small and rectangular and has your picture on it".
Blonde fumbles around her purse and pulls out a small rectangular mirror and looks at it and then hands it to the Motorcycle Cop
Motorcycle Cop looks at the mirror and hands it back to the blonde and says" Don't worry about a speeding ticket you can go, I didn't know your were a cop".
Motorcycle Cop" Can I see your ID".
BLONDE" Uh what does an ID look like"?
Motorcycle Cop" It's small and rectangular and has your picture on it".
Blonde fumbles around her purse and pulls out a small rectangular mirror and looks at it and then hands it to the Motorcycle Cop
Motorcycle Cop looks at the mirror and hands it back to the blonde and says" Don't worry about a speeding ticket you can go, I didn't know your were a cop".