My good friend's ex, what is your verdict?

Reverend Conehead

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This happened to a good friend of mine whom I know from high school. I'll recount the story, and you let me know what you think. Currently he's a truck driver who earns around 67K per year. He met a woman some years back who was down on her luck. She was working as a waitress. I don't know the exact amount of her pay, but it wasn't diddly squat. It was poverty wages. But he saw something in her and started seeing her. Then eventually, since he really liked her, he invited her to move in. Not long after, they got married. He told her she didn't have to ever go back to her crappy job. He would take care of her. She could be a housewife if she wanted to. Just keep the place clean and tidy, and cook meals for them. That was her job, and no outside job was needed.

So she did that for a while, and did a satisfactory job. However, a couple years passed by, and she decided she wanted more out of life than being the housewife of a truck driver. She wanted to go to law school. So he paid her way through law school. She would keep house during the day and study, and would go to law school at night. Eventually, she got through it, and went on to pass the bar. She was a lawyer, exactly what she had dreamed about.

With her very first job, her starting salary was just above his. I don't remember the exact figures, but it was something like he was pulling in 64K at the time and she started at 65, something like that. The thing to remember was she was making more than him, and that was just her starting pay. She moved up after she proved herself an effective lawyer. Finally, she was pulling in 85K compared to his 67K.

So then she goes on social media opening her big fat mouth about her relationship and how she feels it's stagnant, and get this, she feels like she's "under-married" (whatever that crap means). She feels like she deserves to be with a man on her level (in other words, on her income level). So the women on the forum all gush all over her, saying she shouldn't sell herself short, that her standards were reasonable, and blah, blah, blah. Most women took her side, and very few men posted. The ones who did called her words I can't post here.

So she got her wonderful advice from her female friends, and now she's in the process of divorcing him. I spoke with him a couple nights ago, and he's totally destroyed. She's already moved out, and he feels the walls caving in. The one good thing about her making more money is he's not going to end up owing her any alimony. She might even have to pay him something. There are no kids, so there's no child support. But it's not about the money. He's emotionally destroyed. He was known as a tough guy in school, but I got to listen to him sobbing. He had never been with anyone in years, but then he saw something in someone who was down on her luck, and he helped her. He trusted her fully and thought she would never do anything like this. She wouldn't be a lawyer if it hadn't been for him. He rescued her from a life suffering in a hole, and even paid for her education. And this is how she repays him. As soon as she makes more than him, she thinks she's better than him. He had thought she would start earning good money, and then the two of them together would be doing great with both their incomes. They could simply be grateful, and enjoy the rest of their lives together, being able to afford great vacations together.

You can post your views on what you think of her. The women on her online group all thought she was doing the right thing, and that she needs to be "true to herself," and "don't be ashamed of your high standards", and blah blah blah. It made me want to throw up. I personally think there should already be a spot in the deepest, cruelest, most miserable level of hell reserved for her. When she dies, she deserves to go there and suffer and be reminded every day of how she betrayed a man who was good to her. And all her social media friends who encouraged her should join her there. I think she's the most rotten, greedy, and disgusting person I've ever known. But I could be wrong.

You let me know what you think. Do you agree with me that she's a terrible person or do you agree with that SM ladies that she was just being "true to herself." If I had the power to, I would send her to spend the rest of her life in whatever the worst prison in the country is, maybe the one at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
 

nobody

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Wasn't this a song by the Human League? "Don't you want me?"

I don't know the people or their situation or what the marriage was like for either of them. If she posted that she "under-married" and felt that way, that's kind of a scumbag thing to do. From your story it sounds like she used him, but again, we're only hearing a second-hand story from one side.
 

joseephuss

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I thought of that Human League song as well. Also, Better Man by Pearl Jam.

There were probably signs that were missed. These things don't usually come out of nowhere unless she suffered some sort of brain injury. I don't think just being grateful is enough to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Sucks for him, but he is probably better off if she really is like this. He will get through it.
 

DallasEast

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No one should put another person inside a mental box of their creation. He should not have thought she should be a housewife. She should not have thought he should make a lifelong obligation of taking care of her.

What should have happened was the two of them being honest with one another, sitting down, and asking each other, "Where do you see us in five years? Ten years? Fifteen years? What is your expectation of me emotionally and financially?" Then both should have listened hard to what the other person said because some people do not often say exactly what their inner self wants to say. Each one of them should have probed the other person's responses. If there was any lingering doubt in one or both person's minds, he, she or both should have run away in the opposite direction.

None of that happened. Both are stuck in their current situation. The main goal is getting themselves unstuck. Neither should think about it. They should put any regrets in their proper place, which is behind them. They should not wait. They should not delay a second longer than necessary. Both should seek a divorce and be proactive in getting one done.

Life is too short for purposefully doing mental gymnastics inside your brain. The end goal should always be about enjoying happiness. Happiness is not inside their relationship but it is outside the pit they created.

Go towards happiness. Do not wallow in misery a second longer than you must.
 

Reverend Conehead

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She owes him alimony. Her female friends are typical. Women can do no wrong, and always deserve to think only of themselves.

Yup. She could have cut off his [you know what], and women would have taken her side. (That's happened before. With the Lorena Bobbitt thing, I couldn't believe women took her side.) But you're right. She should pay him alimony. I also think she should also pay him back every cent he spent on her law school. There's probably not a law requiring her to do it, but she would do that if she had any human decency. But she doesn't.
 

dsturgeon

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I wonder if she will represent herself in the divorce. That would work out nicely for her
 

Reverend Conehead

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I wonder if she will represent herself in the divorce. That would work out nicely for her

Probably not. Lawyers are cautioned not to try to try their own cases. Plus, she would need to be a divorce attorney. I could ask to be sure, but I don't think that's her specialty. Even if she is a divorce lawyer, she's too close to this to stay objective. And since she works in a law firm, she'll know exactly how to find a good divorce lawyer.
 

Bigdog

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Wasn't this a song by the Human League? "Don't you want me?"

I don't know the people or their situation or what the marriage was like for either of them. If she posted that she "under-married" and felt that way, that's kind of a scumbag thing to do. From your story it sounds like she used him, but again, we're only hearing a second-hand story from one side.
Now I have that song in my head and the woman’s respond also:

I was working at cocktail bar
That much is true
But even then I knew I find a much better place
Either with you or without you
The five years that we had were such good times
I still love you
I just need to go out on my own
I guess it what I must do.

I probably messed some of the lyrics up but you get the jist of it.
 
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VaqueroTD

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No one should put another person inside a mental box of their creation. He should not have thought she should be a housewife. She should not have thought he should make a lifelong obligation of taking care of her.

What should have happened was the two of them being honest with one another, sitting down, and asking each other, "Where do you see us in five years? Ten years? Fifteen years? What is your expectation of me emotionally and financially?" Then both should have listened hard to what the other person said because some people do not often say exactly what their inner self wants to say. Each one of them should have probed the other person's responses. If there was any lingering doubt in one or both person's minds, he, she or both should have run away in the opposite direction.

None of that happened. Both are stuck in their current situation. The main goal is getting themselves unstuck. Neither should think about it. They should put any regrets in their proper place, which is behind them. They should not wait. They should not delay a second longer than necessary. Both should seek a divorce and be proactive in getting one done.

Life is too short for purposefully doing mental gymnastics inside your brain. The end goal should always be about enjoying happiness. Happiness is not inside their relationship but it is outside the pit they created.

Go towards happiness. Do not wallow in misery a second longer than you must.


Good stuff. Moderator by day, Marriage Counselor by night. (… or is the other way around)

People out grow each other. Sad but true.
 

Runwildboys

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No one should put another person inside a mental box of their creation. He should not have thought she should be a housewife. She should not have thought he should make a lifelong obligation of taking care of her.

What should have happened was the two of them being honest with one another, sitting down, and asking each other, "Where do you see us in five years? Ten years? Fifteen years? What is your expectation of me emotionally and financially?" Then both should have listened hard to what the other person said because some people do not often say exactly what their inner self wants to say. Each one of them should have probed the other person's responses. If there was any lingering doubt in one or both person's minds, he, she or both should have run away in the opposite direction.

None of that happened. Both are stuck in their current situation. The main goal is getting themselves unstuck. Neither should think about it. They should put any regrets in their proper place, which is behind them. They should not wait. They should not delay a second longer than necessary. Both should seek a divorce and be proactive in getting one done.

Life is too short for purposefully doing mental gymnastics inside your brain. The end goal should always be about enjoying happiness. Happiness is not inside their relationship but it is outside the pit they created.

Go towards happiness. Do not wallow in misery a second longer than you must.
He obviously didn't try to make her just a housewife, since he paid her way through law school. From the information given, this is all on her. Of course, there's probably more to it, but IMO, she still owes him.
 

Sammy

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It sounds as though she never loved him. Maybe she was so desperate to get out of her bad situation that she "settled" and thought she could live that way forever. Then she had plenty of time to think while she was cleaning house and he was on the road, and she got to know herself a little better and found something she was interested in doing that would make a good income.

Maybe your friend was desperate enough for a relationship that he missed the signs that she wasn't in love with him.

One thing I know is that if you love someone, you don't leave when your salary increases enough to support yourself. And you don't post hateful things about someone you care about on social media for all to see. I don't know if she set out to use him, but I do agree with previous posters that a decent human being would pay back what he contributed towards her education.
 

DallasEast

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He obviously didn't try to make her just a housewife, since he paid her way through law school. From the information given, this is all on her. Of course, there's probably more to it, but IMO, she still owes him.
You may be right since this was a third-party account of the relationship, which described his view as:

"He told her she didn't have to ever go back to her crappy job. He would take care of her. She could be a housewife if she wanted to. Just keep the place clean and tidy, and cook meals for them. That was her job, and no outside job was needed."


Of course, his feelings for her could have been much stronger than just financial support, which later extended to paying for her education. His story is not unique. It happens. The important thing is not for either of them to live in the past. It is living for their future. And divorce settlements, which are part of the moving on process, can take care of the owing obligation.
 

Runwildboys

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There's also a strong possibility that she met someone new in law school, or at her new job.
 

Runwildboys

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I'm not sure about that. It could just be some snobby embarrassment from answering what her hubby did for a living when she was asked by coworkers.
Also a strong possibility.

Men are so shallow, aren't we?
 
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