Relationship advice

Tricked · May 30, 2013

Zoners,

Yesterday, I did something that is very controversial.

My wife is extremely nosey with me. She has her own cell phone, her own facebook, etc... Anytime I get an alert on my phone such as a text message or a notification from facebook, she jumps to grab my phone and look at it. Sometimes I don't notice and it has caused me to miss important messages, and makes it extremely difficult to plan any surprises for her for birthdays or whatever, which ofcourse has frustrated me.

So, to teach her a lesson, I had a organized a friend of mine to message me posing as a woman and be flirtatious with me in the message. Knowing she would jump at my phone going off she would see it and get upset with me, then I could point out her nosey ness was all for nothing because it was a setup.

Now, she's in a ''mommy club'' forum and they all think I'm the worst POS to walk the planet. I understand that it wasn't the best of moves for me to do, but at the time it was the only thing I could think of to prove my point.

I will never understand women, and it makes relationships very difficult.

I'm just curious, what are everyone thoughts on this matter?

DallasCowpoke · May 30, 2013

Tricked;5092082 said:
I will never understand women, and it makes relationships very difficult.

I'm just curious, what are everyone thoughts on this matter?

This, and that you BOTH have a LOT of growing to do.

Tabascocat · May 30, 2013

Have you ever given her reason to be suspicious?

There was no logical reason to set her up like that, that is a no-no in marriage. Just sit down and have a conversation with her, let her know she is free to check your phone or whatever but to make sure you receive your messages. If you have nothing to hide, this should not be a problem. After a bit of time, that spying will go away as trust builds.

It sounds like there are other issues in play here you are not telling us. Was she always that jealous or is it something new?

RS12 · May 30, 2013

If you want the relationship to work, her suspicious nature is something you are probably always going to have deal with IMO. The question is do you want to deal with it?

justbob · May 30, 2013

From someone who has been married 38 years --do you really want to know.?

RoyTheHammer · May 30, 2013

Tricked;5092082 said:
Zoners,

Yesterday, I did something that is very controversial.

My wife is extremely nosey with me. She has her own cell phone, her own facebook, etc... Anytime I get an alert on my phone such as a text message or a notification from facebook, she jumps to grab my phone and look at it. Sometimes I don't notice and it has caused me to miss important messages, and makes it extremely difficult to plan any surprises for her for birthdays or whatever, which ofcourse has frustrated me.

So, to teach her a lesson, I had a organized a friend of mine to message me posing as a woman and be flirtatious with me in the message. Knowing she would jump at my phone going off she would see it and get upset with me, then I could point out her nosey ness was all for nothing because it was a setup.

Now, she's in a ''mommy club'' forum and they all think I'm the worst POS to walk the planet. I understand that it wasn't the best of moves for me to do, but at the time it was the only thing I could think of to prove my point.

I will never understand women, and it makes relationships very difficult.

I'm just curious, what are everyone thoughts on this matter?

One part of me laughs out loud at that and wishes i could have seen her reaction on video.. because that's what she gets for invading your privacy.

On a serious note though, she is your wife and its sad that you have to be subjected to that all the time. Hopefully, after you pulled that move and she found out.. you used that time to sit her down and really have a discussion about how her invading your privacy makes you feel. Its honestly very disrespectful to you and its very very tough to have a relationship without trust. Even if she says she does trust you, its pretty clear she does not. Its one thing to be insecure, but it can't go on this long if you expect to have a happy, healthy relationship. I would sit her down and ask her to have a long talk with you. If she still does those things after you pulled this move and talk to her about it.. it seems like the relationship might be a struggle permenantly. I don't know if i'd be able to handle that long term. If a relationship isn't based in trust, like i said before, im not sure how you can both really be happy together.

DallasCowpoke · May 30, 2013

justbob;5092101 said:
From someone who has been married 38 years --do you really want to know.?

Obviously Bob, he does. But, you better go ask your wife if it's OK 1st! :muttley:

justbob · May 30, 2013

DallasCowpoke;5092107 said:
Obviously Bob, he does. But, you better go ask your wife if it's OK 1st!

I'm sure she will see it.....Old folks like me might come with some pretty harsh words --so I asked

RoyTheHammer · May 30, 2013

dexternjack;5092099 said:
Have you ever given her reason to be suspicious?

There was no logical reason to set her up like that, that is a no-no in marriage. Just sit down and have a conversation with her, let her know she is free to check your phone or whatever but to make sure you receive your messages. If you have nothing to hide, this should not be a problem. After a bit of time, that spying will go away as trust builds.

It sounds like there are other issues in play here you are not telling us. Was she always that jealous or is it something new?

My suggestion was also to sit her down and have a conversation with her about it, but it sounds like this has been going on for some time, so that option has probably already been tried, several times i'd bet. I'm not sure it can be fixed if he's never done anything wrong and she's still doing these things. It sounds like it may be something he has to deal with if he feels it is worth it and they both can still work through it and be happy with each other.

I would argue though, that just as you say that what he did was inappropriate, its much more inappropriate for her to continually invade his privacy. That's completely disrespectful, imo.

Tabascocat · May 30, 2013

RoyTheHammer;5092114 said:
I would argue though, that just as you say that what he did was inappropriate, its much more inappropriate for her to continually invade his privacy. That's completely disrespectful, imo.

Agree with that too, two wrong's don't make a right.

RoyTheHammer · May 30, 2013

dexternjack;5092121 said:
Agree with that too, two wrong's don't make a right.

Absoulutely, man. I just wasn't sure if i would agree to let her constantly check my phone, fb, etc.. all the time hoping that she would eventually develop enough trust to not disrespect my privacy like that. Doesn't seem like a healthy solution.. not that it couldn't work though. That'd be tough to tolerate.

I wonder, on the flip side, if she allows him to check her phone, email, fb, or whatever as much as he wants.

Tabascocat · May 30, 2013

RoyTheHammer;5092135 said:
Absoulutely, man. I just wasn't sure if i would agree to let her constantly check my phone, fb, etc.. all the time hoping that she would eventually develop enough trust to not disrespect my privacy like that. Doesn't seem like a healthy solution.. not that it couldn't work though. That'd be tough to tolerate.

I wonder, on the flip side, if she allows him to check her phone, email, fb, or whatever as much as he wants.

Yea, it would have to go both ways. It is just a possible solution to building trust if a heart to heart conversation doesn't work.

viman96 · May 30, 2013

Sack up and tell her to leave your stuff alone. Seriously.

Doomsday101 · May 30, 2013

Tricked;5092082 said:
Zoners,

Yesterday, I did something that is very controversial.

My wife is extremely nosey with me. She has her own cell phone, her own facebook, etc... Anytime I get an alert on my phone such as a text message or a notification from facebook, she jumps to grab my phone and look at it. Sometimes I don't notice and it has caused me to miss important messages, and makes it extremely difficult to plan any surprises for her for birthdays or whatever, which ofcourse has frustrated me.

So, to teach her a lesson, I had a organized a friend of mine to message me posing as a woman and be flirtatious with me in the message. Knowing she would jump at my phone going off she would see it and get upset with me, then I could point out her nosey ness was all for nothing because it was a setup.

Now, she's in a ''mommy club'' forum and they all think I'm the worst POS to walk the planet. I understand that it wasn't the best of moves for me to do, but at the time it was the only thing I could think of to prove my point.

I will never understand women, and it makes relationships very difficult.

I'm just curious, what are everyone thoughts on this matter?

spend more time talking with her instead of outsiders who may not know the whole story and history of the relationship.

RoyTheHammer · May 30, 2013

Doomsday101;5092147 said:
spend more time talking with her instead of outsiders who may not know the whole story and history of the relationship.

For all we know, he may have tried having a few long heart to heart talks with her by now, and has seen no change in her behavior. I don't see anything wrong with asking for a bit of help or advice in how to deal with relationship issues, but as you said.. he should take the advice with a grain of salt, keeping in mind we don't know the full scope of the situation.

Doomsday101 · May 30, 2013

RoyTheHammer;5092148 said:
For all we know, he may have tried having a few long heart to heart talks with her by now, and has seen no change in her behavior. I don't see anything wrong with asking for a bit of help or advice in how to deal with relationship issues, but as you said.. he should take the advice with a grain of salt, keeping in mind we don't know the full scope of the situation.

You said for all we know, we get 1 side of a story not both. How much history do you know about these 2 in this relationship?

Not trying to be an idiot but coming to a message board for advice from people who know little about you or your relationship may not be the best move.

You are right if I were him I would take the advice with a grain of salt and if he thinks the relationship is worth saving than seek professional help, not message board football junkies.

Tricked · May 30, 2013

More info:

Yes, I've told her that I don't appreciate her going through my phone or computer. I don't have anything to hide, however it annoys me that she does it constantly. It is an invasion of privacy and makes me feel like I can't talk to my friends if I'm frustrated with her or something. She has all my passwords because as I've said I have nothing to hide, yet if I change a password she freaks out thinking I am hiding something. If I talk to female friend I have she gets upset with me, saying it's disrespectful to her and if I want to talk to a girl it should be her.

Everything of hers is password protected and she didn't tell me her passwords. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her computer password alone. I don't get on her Facebook or anything because I honestly don't care. I know she's had abusive past relationships, so I've tried to look past it, but it's getting under my skin like no other lately. If I try and talk to her about it, it turns into a huge fight and I end up always being wrong.

Yes there are always 2 sides to every story, but like I said I will never understand women so I can't begin to describe what she's feeling and this is the only place, that I know of, she doesn't check.

I'm just at a loss. If it wasn't for our daughter I'd probably have left already, but I had a very poor childhood and I don't want that for my little girl. Then again growing up with 2 parents that fight all the time may not be the best either.

So, here I am, seeking the advice and help of my fellow cowboy fans.

RoyTheHammer · May 30, 2013

Tricked;5092202 said:
More info:

Yes, I've told her that I don't appreciate her going through my phone or computer. I don't have anything to hide, however it annoys me that she does it constantly. It is an invasion of privacy and makes me feel like I can't talk to my friends if I'm frustrated with her or something. She has all my passwords because as I've said I have nothing to hide, yet if I change a password she freaks out thinking I am hiding something. If I talk to female friend I have she gets upset with me, saying it's disrespectful to her and if I want to talk to a girl it should be her.

Everything of hers is password protected and she didn't tell me her passwords. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her computer password alone. I don't get on her Facebook or anything because I honestly don't care. I know she's had abusive past relationships, so I've tried to look past it, but it's getting under my skin like no other lately. If I try and talk to her about it, it turns into a huge fight and I end up always being wrong.

Yes there are always 2 sides to every story, but like I said I will never understand women so I can't begin to describe what she's feeling and this is the only place, that I know of, she doesn't check.

I'm just at a loss. If it wasn't for our daughter I'd probably have left already, but I had a very poor childhood and I don't want that for my little girl. Then again growing up with 2 parents that fight all the time may not be the best either.

So, here I am, seeking the advice and help of my fellow cowboy fans.

I feel for ya man. It sounds like an extremely rough situation, and sounds very shady on her part, as well. A relationship should be about mutual respect, you shouldn't have to be completely open and give her all your passwords and all that when on the other hand, she keeps everything completely hidden from you. That's just not right.. and the fact that when you try to sit down and talk about it with her she gets completely defensive and blows up at you seems ridiculous. I honestly don't know what i would do in your situation, but i hope you figure out what you want to do and make a decision where you can be happy with your life and your wife and daughter can be as well.

CanadianCowboysFan · May 30, 2013

dexternjack;5092099 said:
Have you ever given her reason to be suspicious?

There was no logical reason to set her up like that, that is a no-no in marriage. Just sit down and have a conversation with her, let her know she is free to check your phone or whatever but to make sure you receive your messages. If you have nothing to hide, this should not be a problem. After a bit of time, that spying will go away as trust builds.

It sounds like there are other issues in play here you are not telling us. Was she always that jealous or is it something new?

Wrong

It is his phone and she should not be questioning him, checking his phone etc.

Even if he is doing something allegedly "wrong", she should not invade his privacy like that.

CanadianCowboysFan · May 30, 2013

You should also turn off your message alerts and just check yourself.

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