Relationship advice

TwoCentPlain

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If your wife isn't telling you her passwords, then she is hiding stuff. Not good at all. I would never let my wife get away with hiding passwords.

I know my wife's passwords and she knows mine. Both of us volunteered the passwords to each other. No one had to ask.

I'd be very suspicious if my wife did what your wife is doing. And I'd put a stop to it very quickly. Trust is vital in a marriage.
 

SilverStarCowboy

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Next time try being open in the first place, but you could have a problem on your hands with that one (wife).
 

Hoofbite

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Gemini Dolly;5092239 said:
I assume you have nothing to hide. So, if checking your phone or computer or whatever you have keeps her at peace, then let her....

Or else shes probably going to think youre up to something. Us female creatures can be weird that way. Sowwie. :eek::

That's the easy way out but it's unfair to make a concession like that if he hasn't given her any reason to be suspicious in the first place.

Nobody can be expected to operate in a presumed guilt environment for the rest of their lives.

If he hasn't given her a reason to be suspicious she needs to do some self-evaluating and fix the problem.

If he has given her a reason, he's probably going to have to deal with it until he gains her trust.

All in all, suspicion in a relationship is a horrible thing and likely doesn't end well.
 

Tricked

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LoL @ all the ''and you shouldn't come to a football forum for relationship advice''... I've found that football fans can be the most rational and irrational people at the same time... It's easy to tell the difference between the 2 as well.

The hardest part about walking away is my daughter. It's not just 2 people (her and I), it's 3... If I'm upset about something, I look at this:
480580_645881522092677_157277427_n.jpg

and I just can't imagine not being with her every day :(

Ohwell, I've dug my grave, we'll see if I can get out of it.
 

Rockport

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Gemini Dolly;5092239 said:
I assume you have nothing to hide. So, if checking your phone or computer or whatever you have keeps her at peace, then let her....


Or else shes probably going to think youre up to something. Us female creatures can be weird that way. Sowwie. :eek::

Why does he have to let her invade his privacy to keep the peace? What about trust? If she can't trust him, then it's time to move on.
 

Hoofbite

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ninja;5092319 said:
If your wife isn't telling you her passwords, then she is hiding stuff. Not good at all. I would never let my wife get away with hiding passwords.

I know my wife's passwords and she knows mine. Both of us volunteered the passwords to each other. No one had to ask.

I'd be very suspicious if my wife did what your wife is doing. And I'd put a stop to it very quickly. Trust is vital in a marriage.

I'd say that's a bit much. Had you said that she was unwilling to share then I might sort of agree but not offering it up for the sake of doing so doesn't really register on my scale as hiding something.

Then again, I don't think people should have to validate their partner's trust with token gestures that are ultimately worthless. If anyone was going to step outside the marriage they certainly wouldn't need Facebook to do it and odds are they wouldn't put such crap on their Facebook anyway. I dare say that any person who ever started stepping outside their marriage after initiating through Facebook likely would have done so at some point anyway. In that regard it seems like some sort of system of checks and balances on the relationships. Sort of a, "I trust you infinitely but just know that I can check up on you if I want".

You and your wife may volunteer passwords to each other but I would just guess that neither has actually used them. Likely because she hasn't given you a reason to suspect anything and vice versa.

You commit your life to someone, not forfeit it. You're either the type of person who would do such a thing like stepping out of the marriage or you aren't. Catching it on Facebook before the ultimate conclusion might "save" the marriage for the time being but it will without a doubt weaken it and may just end up destroying it in the long run. At best you do regain the sense of trust that was there before but not without considerable time and work.

I know a guy who's been married to his wife for like 50+ years. He's up in his 70s and he said he tried retiring one time and then told me why he returned to work (in part, the general theme was he was too bored. Dude's extremely wealthy and probably didn't need to work a day beyond 50.). After a day or two his wife headed out of the house for lunch and he asked where she was going. She said something like it was Thursday and she and her friends had always met for lunch on Thursdays since just about forever. He then asked her something about what he was going to do while she was gone and she gave him a pretty simply reply, "I promised you that we'd spend the rest of our lives together, not every single lunch".

I'm not saying this to try and say what you and your wife are doing is wrong or bad for a marriage or anything like that. What you guys do for you seems to be working for you and that's a great thing for both you and your wife.

That said, I don't think it's directly applicable to every other couple out there. Some people need to retain certain aspects of their life that may or may not include their partner. So long as they are committed to each other, there really shouldn't be anything to worry about. But, as I said, I think stepping outside the marriage is entirely dependent on the makeup of the individual so having passwords or not doesn't necessarily guarantee one thing over the other.
 

Hoofbite

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Tricked;5092340 said:
LoL @ all the ''and you shouldn't come to a football forum for relationship advice''... I've found that football fans can be the most rational and irrational people at the same time... It's easy to tell the difference between the 2 as well.

The hardest part about walking away is my daughter. It's not just 2 people (her and I), it's 3... If I'm upset about something, I look at this:

and I just can't imagine not being with her every day :(

Ohwell, I've dug my grave, we'll see if I can get out of it.

Dug your grave? You pissed your wife off. Most men would be buried many times over if that was the qualifier for digging one's grave. If you really haven't given her a reason to be suspicious just talk it out. Shouldn't be too tough.

However, if you have some stuff in the past you're going to have a hell of a time winning that battle and would probably best off waving the white flag on this one.

Either way, talk it out. Damn, two reasonable people who care for another and have a kid (cute kid by the way) should be able to hash this out regardless of the past so long as the present and future are heading where they should be.
 

SilverStarCowboy

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Tricked;5092340 said:


Well there is a reason to think.



It's okay to be wrong and let her slide for your babies sake.... and there is always a yin to the yang.

Make your wife feel special. Women feel displaced after a baby, it's a hard time for relationships. However, getting control of another person will never happen, staying calm is internal...not saying to leave but it is okay to walk away.

I have a 2 year old, it's been hard in alot of wAYS~! bUT WORTH IT FOR THAT BABY.
 

RoyTheHammer

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Hoofbite;5092349 said:
Either way, talk it out. Damn, two reasonable people who care for another and have a kid (cute kid by the way) should be able to hash this out regardless of the past so long as the present and future are heading where they should be.

I agree, very cute little girl, but the problem with talking things out here seems to be that his wife, from what he's told us, doesn't seem to be the rational, talk things out type of person. Hard to have a heart to heart discussion when only one person is really willing to open up and try to work things out.
 

Gemini Dolly

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AmberBeer;5092345 said:
Why does he have to let her invade his privacy to keep the peace? What about trust? If she can't trust him, then it's time to move on.

...Because he has nothing to hide, and it makes his wife at ease.
 

RoyTheHammer

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Gemini Dolly;5092355 said:
...Because he has nothing to hide, and it makes his wife at ease.

Its a tad disrespectful for his wife to just expect to be allowed to invade his privacy whenever she wants like that.. not a healthy way to be in a relationship. Mutual respect is not there.
 

Gemini Dolly

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RoyTheHammer;5092356 said:
Its a tad disrespectful for his wife to just expect to be allowed to invade his privacy whenever she wants like that.. not a healthy way to be in a relationship. Mutual respect is not there.

Got to pick your battles. Is this one worth it?
 

RoyTheHammer

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Gemini Dolly;5092357 said:
Got to pick your battles. Is this one worth it?

Would you be ok going through a long time marriage with a partner who constantly asked to check your phone every time they heard your text alert go off or your phone start ringing or everytime you got a fb message, etc, etc..?

Its completely ridiculous to try and have a happy, healthy relationship with a partner who obviously doesn't display any signs of trusting him, and at the same time, keeps all her information and devices locked up like a vault from him.. yet flips out on him any time he tries to talk with her about how her complete invasion of his privacy makes him feel. If there's no mutual respect and no mutual trust.. its hard to try at all to have a happy or healthy relationship. There's no foundation there.

On a personal note.. with someone who behaved as he's told us she does.. i'd wonder if she's not doing something fishy behind his back. The way she doesn't let him see any of her messages or calls, the way she's insanely paranoid and has to know who's contacting him, and the fact that she gets defensive and enraged when he tries to talk to her about it all seems to add up to something shady possibly going on.
 

Gemini Dolly

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RoyTheHammer;5092365 said:
Would you be ok going through a long time marriage with a partner who constantly asked to check your phone every time they heard your text alert go off or your phone start ringing or everytime you got a fb message, etc, etc..?

Its completely ridiculous to try and have a happy, healthy relationship with a partner who obviously doesn't display any signs of trusting him, and at the same time, keeps all her information and devices locked up like a vault from him.. yet flips out on him any time he tries to talk with her about how her complete invasion of his privacy makes him feel. If there's no mutual respect and no mutual trust.. its hard to try at all to have a happy or healthy relationship. There's no foundation there.

On a personal note.. with someone who behaved as he's told us she does.. i'd wonder if she's not doing something fishy behind his back. The way she doesn't let him see any of her messages or calls, the way she's insanely paranoid and has to know who's contacting him, and the fact that she gets defensive and enraged when he tries to talk to her about it all seems to add up to something shady possibly going on.

If they were just dating, and no child was involved, I would tell him, RUN FORREST, RUN. But, they are married, and with the kid involved, and with her not willing to budge, someone has to give in...or else...:(
 

RoyTheHammer

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Gemini Dolly;5092379 said:
If they were just dating, and no child was involved, I would tell him, RUN FORREST, RUN. But, they are married, and with the kid involved, and with her not willing to budge, someone has to give in...or else...:(

I just don't think its a good idea for one person to just all the time "give in" in a marriage. Its not a healthy or happy way to go about life and it can lead to alot of serious mental disorders, depression being the obvious. If she's not willing to work on things at all, might just be better for them and for the child, if they just both go their seperate ways.
 

Muhast

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ninja;5092319 said:
If your wife isn't telling you her passwords, then she is hiding stuff. Not good at all. I would never let my wife get away with hiding passwords.

I know my wife's passwords and she knows mine. Both of us volunteered the passwords to each other. No one had to ask.

I'd be very suspicious if my wife did what your wife is doing. And I'd put a stop to it very quickly. Trust is vital in a marriage.

I agree. I don't know if she is hiding something or not, but the fact that it is like pulling teeth to get her to give up a simple computer login password, but she thinks its fine to access everything you do is a bit concerning. Either she has really been let down in past relationships and now has very little trust and is overly paranoid about things or she has a guilty conscience . Especially the jumping at every text message part.It could very well be neither, but I'd sit down and say you both need to talk it out. Something is up that she is that suspicious all the time, that doesn't seem normal even for someone who is nosy.

Either way, I wish you both the best, and hope you both get things cleared up so you continue on your lives together. You have an adorable child! :)
 

silverbear

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Tricked;5092202 said:
More info:

Yes, I've told her that I don't appreciate her going through my phone or computer. I don't have anything to hide, however it annoys me that she does it constantly. It is an invasion of privacy and makes me feel like I can't talk to my friends if I'm frustrated with her or something. She has all my passwords because as I've said I have nothing to hide, yet if I change a password she freaks out thinking I am hiding something. If I talk to female friend I have she gets upset with me, saying it's disrespectful to her and if I want to talk to a girl it should be her.

Seriously?? Because you're married, you're not ever allowed to have a conversation with another female??

And you let her get away with that crap?? At that point, she's no longer your wife, she's your freakin' warden...

Everything of hers is password protected and she didn't tell me her passwords.

Again, you let her get away with that crap?? She's supposed to have access to all your accounts, and you're not allowed to have access to hers??

At what point do you realize that she's a control freak?? Maybe it explains why I'm 60 and single, but I would never, EVER let a woman get away with walking all over me like that...

This isn't about trust, it's about domination... you say she's been in abusive relationships, that does not justify her abusing you like this...

This is flat out wrong, period... my suggestion is that you change your passwords, and under no circumstances tell her what the new ones are... it's up to her how she deals with that, but you have to stand up for yourself...
 

silverbear

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Tricked;5092261 said:
Thank you all for the feedback. I understand the criticism, but unfortunately I'm stuck in the situation. I've tried to talk to her, marriage counseling is an option, albeit one I've suggested but she was very against it. I know it's weird to discuss this online, but what else can one do if they've tried everything they can think of.the internet is filled with people that have all different types of experiences, and I was hoping to get a fish bite in the ocean.

I repeat, take positive action, and stand by it... don't let her bully you into backing down... let her rant and carry on, but do not, I repeat, do not let her abuse you... and tell her that's exactly what you're doing, and she's doing... tell her that her actions are abusive, and for somebody who claims to have been in abusive relationships in the past, you're shocked that she'd try to do that to you... tell her you won't stand for it any further, and you don't care to have an debate on the subject...

You are being crapped on, plain and simple... if you allow it to continue, you forfeit the right to complain about her manipulative, domineering ways...
 

silverbear

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Hoofbite;5092334 said:
That's the easy way out but it's unfair to make a concession like that if he hasn't given her any reason to be suspicious in the first place.

Nobody can be expected to operate in a presumed guilt environment for the rest of their lives.

Think of it this way-- when she does that, she's basically telling him "I don't think you're honorable, or worthy of trust"... it's disrespectful...

Then the question becomes, how long do you stay with a significant other who not only doesn't trust you, but has no respect for you?? Having a daughter makes this a somewhat tougher question to answer...
 
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