Rumor has it that Eifert fell out of bed this morning and ruptured his right Achilles.
He limped into the kitchen to make breakfast. While doing so, he burned his hands on a hot pan,
slipped on the floor breaking his collar bone and tearing his ACL in his left knee.
During the fall he hit his head on the counter, causing a concussion. The hot pan slid off the stove from
Eifert's failed attempt to catch his fall and landed upside down on his crotch. The scrambled eggs
and bacon grease burned his genitals.