Bad Jokes; One Liners

[Denim Chicken]

Love them. What you got? Here's a few:

"Someone stole my copy of Microsoft Office! I will find them; they have my Word."

"My friend's butler lost his left arm. Serves him right."

"I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought, this changes everything!"

"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!"

 

[BigStar]

Cool OP:

"If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up."

 

[Denim Chicken]

"A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need".

 

[BigStar]

"A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need".

Of course, the wife is still alive Clever girl won't take the bait...

 

[Denim Chicken]

"What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos."

"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph. Why? Because he's to short to be an essay!"

"So these two baby seals walk into a club..."

"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."

"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."

I killing myself over here...

 

[Bigdog]

"Somebody wants you over there. Who? Me."

 

[dreghorn2]

Ta Da..

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henny_youngman.html

 

[cajuncocoa]

"Someone stole my copy of Microsoft Office! I will find them; they have my Word."

Make a Note of it, I’m a good Explorer, and once I have Access to them I will Excel at getting it back.

 

[bb721]

"What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos."

"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph. Why? Because he's to short to be an essay!"

"So these two baby seals walk into a club..."

"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef."

"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."

I killing myself over here...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stapled to a wall? Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in front of a door? Matt

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he can't come anyway.

 

[WV Cowboy]

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he can't come anyway.

What do you call a girl with one leg? .. Ilene

A blind man picked up a hammer and saw.

A blind man walks into a bar, .. and saws owwwwwwch!

 

[Denim Chicken]

What do you call a girl with one leg? .. Ilene

And where does she eat breakfast? IHOP.

 

[DallasCowpoke]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer, and a mop.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

What happened when Jesus wanted to swim?

I'm concerned my dad is a cheap alcoholic. Every time I go into a dive-bar's bathroom, "I screwed your mom" is written on the wall.

What do the Keebler Elves sleep in? Cookie sheets.

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the bathwater.

 

[Denim Chicken]

I can swallow two pieces of string, and when I pass them, they will be tied together. I s**t you knot.

 

[Sarge]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, why the long face?

 

[Denim Chicken]

Two men are watching a dog lick his balls. One guy says, "I wish I could do that", to which the other replies, "don't you think you should pet him first?"

 

[DallasCowpoke]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stapled to a wall? Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in front of a door? Matt

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he can't come anyway.

This dude has now bumped you up to #1 on his most hated list.

​

 

[WV Cowboy]

This dude has now bumped you up to #1 on his most hated list.

​

I've seen that guy, .. he is amazing, .. he puts us all to shame.