Children and Parents

[jksmith269]

Well I'm moving to Pensacola to take care of my 71 year old mother. She's been being taken care of by my sister for the past few years. I've told my older brother the entire time she wasn't fit to do the job, well now he believes me. I'd of tried to go before now but with my own back issues it's hard for me to take care of myself much less an elderly person. My sister was arrested for the second DUI in 2 years last April 2015, it went to court in Feb this year and she got 1 year jail, suspended with 5 years suspended license, 2 years supervised probation, and monthly drug and alcohol screening, she was also forbidden to drink alcohol of any kind. As it often happens she'd just done her first probation meeting in March and was pulled over the very next Sunday for driving without a seatbelt, which lead to driving on a suspended license, and open container. The judge put her in jail for 6 days. Well her very next probation meeting she failed a drug test, then hadn't gone back. My brother finally believed she wasn't fit, well earlier this month I'd gone down to see what was going on, and she was doing good but hadn't turned herself in. The day I left to come back home she was plastered within 2 hours of me leaving. Due to my back problems and VA appointments I couldn't return so my brother finally went down. He found where she's been selling our mom's pain meds (Percocet 7.5 and Xanax) he had mom's bank account closed and opened a new one with him due to my sister stealing thousands from our mom (she opened multiple credit cards with her as an authorized user with 5-10k limits and maxed them out, a total of about 50k. Mom refuses to file charges on that). Well the day before he went down she was drunk and I was talking to my mom on the phone and mom was scared because my sister was threatening suicide and even written a suicide note. I called the sheriff's department and they went and got her. She's been in Jail/hospital since June 17th and has court on July 8th. I'm moving my family down to take care of my mother, she's got light dementia and other health issues. The council of aging investigator asked me why I was going to do it, and I was kind of surprised by the question and said it's my job, my responsibility. She took care of me when I needed it, and it's the least I can do. She said I'd be surprised how many kids refuse to help their parents when they become elderly and unable to take complete care of themselves.

I hate what happened with my sister and I hate she's in Jail, I called the police because I love her and am very concerned about her. But what she's done goes to show that whether your parents are put in a nursing home or with someone people trust to treat them right and care for them it doesn't always go that way. If you have concerns about your parents care don't do as I did and put it off on someone else to prove or disprove your thoughts even though I had my own medical issues I should have stepped in much sooner.

 

[Longboysfan]

You did the right thing and are going to do the right thing.
Best wishes in your endeavor.

 

[vlad]

That's really great of you @jksmith269 . I'm sorry to hear of your mom's situation, your sister and your back.

Its interesting you had that reaction to the council investigator - I'm glad that you did. Coming from an immigrant family on the eastern side of the world, as I've gotten older that's one of the most stark contrasts I've noticed (in general) - the way we think of family and treat elders.

Each way has its plus and minuses, and not saying one is better than the other...and even my family isn't super "traditional" but I remember the last girlfriend I had, when we spoke about getting married, etc she was concerned that I'd one day move back to TX because my parents are there. I told her I had no plan nor desire to ever go back but she should know there is no way in hell I'd ever put my parents in a retirement home or similar, unless circumstances were so wildly out of my control, and that would extend to her parents as well. She was actually pretty stoked about that, but I also think it was a bit concerning for her in a grand picture thing. Her parents were from Scotland and its just a different angle on those things. Anyway, while she was great about it, I've seen others not be, and I know of people that being a dealbreaker for.

I just can't imagine someone being okay with their parents living alone until the end (unless that's really what they wanted). So good for you, best of luck to you, and to your family. I'm sure its a great lesson for your kids.

 

[Bigdog]

You did the right thing and are going to do the right thing.
Best wishes in your endeavor.

My sentiments exactly. It is tough when it is your family but if someone is taken advantage of them then action needs to be taken for the well being of the person. I wish you and your sister best of luck in getting over this issue. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family in this time of need.

 

[DFWJC]

Way to step up to the plate!

 

[visionary]

Well I'm moving to Pensacola to take care of my 71 year old mother. She's been being taken care of by my sister for the past few years. I've told my older brother the entire time she wasn't fit to do the job, well now he believes me. I'd of tried to go before now but with my own back issues it's hard for me to take care of myself much less an elderly person. My sister was arrested for the second DUI in 2 years last April 2015, it went to court in Feb this year and she got 1 year jail, suspended with 5 years suspended license, 2 years supervised probation, and monthly drug and alcohol screening, she was also forbidden to drink alcohol of any kind. As it often happens she'd just done her first probation meeting in March and was pulled over the very next Sunday for driving without a seatbelt, which lead to driving on a suspended license, and open container. The judge put her in jail for 6 days. Well her very next probation meeting she failed a drug test, then hadn't gone back. My brother finally believed she wasn't fit, well earlier this month I'd gone down to see what was going on, and she was doing good but hadn't turned herself in. The day I left to come back home she was plastered within 2 hours of me leaving. Due to my back problems and VA appointments I couldn't return so my brother finally went down. He found where she's been selling our mom's pain meds (Percocet 7.5 and Xanax) he had mom's bank account closed and opened a new one with him due to my sister stealing thousands from our mom (she opened multiple credit cards with her as an authorized user with 5-10k limits and maxed them out, a total of about 50k. Mom refuses to file charges on that). Well the day before he went down she was drunk and I was talking to my mom on the phone and mom was scared because my sister was threatening suicide and even written a suicide note. I called the sheriff's department and they went and got her. She's been in Jail/hospital since June 17th and has court on July 8th. I'm moving my family down to take care of my mother, she's got light dementia and other health issues. The council of aging investigator asked me why I was going to do it, and I was kind of surprised by the question and said it's my job, my responsibility. She took care of me when I needed it, and it's the least I can do. She said I'd be surprised how many kids refuse to help their parents when they become elderly and unable to take complete care of themselves.

I hate what happened with my sister and I hate she's in Jail, I called the police because I love her and am very concerned about her. But what she's done goes to show that whether your parents are put in a nursing home or with someone people trust to treat them right and care for them it doesn't always go that way. If you have concerns about your parents care don't do as I did and put it off on someone else to prove or disprove your thoughts even though I had my own medical issues I should have stepped in much sooner.

There is no better thing in life than taking care of your parents (except for taking care of your own family)
Good job

 

[daschoo]

That's really great of you @jksmith269 . I'm sorry to hear of your mom's situation, your sister and your back.

Its interesting you had that reaction to the council investigator - I'm glad that you did. Coming from an immigrant family on the eastern side of the world, as I've gotten older that's one of the most stark contrasts I've noticed (in general) - the way we think of family and treat elders.

Each way has its plus and minuses, and not saying one is better than the other...and even my family isn't super "traditional" but I remember the last girlfriend I had, when we spoke about getting married, etc she was concerned that I'd one day move back to TX because my parents are there. I told her I had no plan nor desire to ever go back but she should know there is no way in hell I'd ever put my parents in a retirement home or similar, unless circumstances were so wildly out of my control, and that would extend to her parents as well. She was actually pretty stoked about that, but I also think it was a bit concerning for her in a grand picture thing. Her parents were from Scotland and its just a different angle on those things. Anyway, while she was great about it, I've seen others not be, and I know of people that being a dealbreaker for.

I just can't imagine someone being okay with their parents living alone until the end (unless that's really what they wanted). So good for you, best of luck to you, and to your family. I'm sure its a great lesson for your kids.

Interested what you mean by the bit in bold?

 

[vlad]

Interested what you mean by the bit in bold?

Nothing negative or anything like that - western cultures tend to value the individual over the family structure, so like the concept of your parents moving in with you as a default thing is just not the norm. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but its very rare. I thought it might be different for people from the UK - but according to them its about the same.

Even what I'm talking about is modified, its not like I'd be looking to do that right away, I meant in a case like @jksmith269.

Hope that didn't come off in a wrong way, nothing but love for my Scots...

 

[YosemiteSam]

Interested what you mean by the bit in bold?

It was a clear insult to you! CAGE MATCH!

 

[daschoo]

Nothing negative or anything like that - western cultures tend to value the individual over the family structure, so like the concept of your parents moving in with you as a default thing is just not the norm. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but its very rare. I thought it might be different for people from the UK - but according to them its about the same.

Even what I'm talking about is modified, its not like I'd be looking to do that right away, I meant in a case like @jksmith269.

Hope that didn't come off in a wrong way, nothing but love for my Scots...

Nah fair enough, just read weird.

 

[vlad]

Nah fair enough, just read weird.

Cool glad I didn't offend