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Chip Brown: Just when you thought you'd seen it all
Potential returns of Martin, Williams spoil a perfectly tasty week
07:41 PM CDT on Friday, October 8, 2004
What a week. Tiger Woods gets married in Barbados (a long way to travel once he realizes he left what remains of his golf game there). Cher wants to pose nude in a men's magazine for her 60th birthday. (Note to Cher: If we want to see your body, we can take a tour of the Dow Corning plant.) The buzz in Washington is that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, had plastic surgery on his eyelids. (There will be no reference to the Cowboys owner here.)
But the topper had to be a bid of $47,200 at a charity auction to have dinner with Ricky Martin, outdrawing Leonardo DiCaprio ($27,300). Thinking that his career was on the rebound, Martin tried to celebrate by shaking his bon-bon and pulled a muscle.
Enough already. On to the picks. (Only Celine Dion, Bruce Jenner and Ricky Martin would bet the following against the line.)
Miami (+13) at New England: The Patriots have won 18 straight. The Dolphins have thrown more TD passes to opponents (three) than to teammates (two). But chemistry is sure to improve now that their brownie-eating running back apparently wants to play football again. Pick: Patriots
Cleveland (+6) at Pittsburgh: If the Browns win and climb into the AFC North lead, Dave Campo vows to grow his mullet back. (Did you know: Mullets – all business in the front, party in the back – blanket the Rust Belt, where the '80s still rule?) Pick: Browns
Oakland (+9) at Indianapolis: With Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt questionable because of a hamstring injury, even quarterback Peyton Manning offered to massage it. Pick: Raiders
Detroit (+7) at Atlanta: Now that he's in the NFL, Roy Williams is finally taking out years of frustration from beatings by Okla- homa. The Lions, however, are still run by Matt Millen. Pick: Falcons
Tampa Bay (+3) at New Orleans: Speaking of Longhorns, Chris Simms gets the first NFL start for a Longhorn at QB in more than 40 years (since Bobby Layne in 1962), and shows there's a reason it's been so long. Pick: Saints
NY Giants (+3 ½ ) at Cowboys: Facing his former assistant coaches is the only thing that makes Bill Parcells nervous. That – and Jerry Jones milling about in the team's meeting rooms. Pick: Giants
Minnesota at Houston (+4): David Carr got his hair cut because the Texans won two in a row. Now he says he'll grow a beard for the Super Bowl. As long as he doesn't start talking about back, nose or ear hair, we're fine. Pick: Vikings
Buffalo (+7) at NY Jets: Bills cornerback Troy Vincent will miss at least two weeks because of an injury to his right knee. His teammates rally with a new source of inspiration: the growling women of Wife Swap. Pick: Bills
Jacksonville at San Diego (+3): Buried at third string on the depth chart, Doug Flutie, the future prime minister of Canada, works on his candidacy by giving away boxes of Flutie Flakes to Canucks with few loonies (that's Canadian dollars, for you non-hockey fans). Pick: Jaguars
Carolina (+5 ½ ) at Denver: Stephen Davis hopes to play after missing the last two games because of a knee injury. Team officials refuse to blame the injury on Davis sprinting from the locker room to see the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Pick: Panthers
St. Louis (+7) at Seattle: If you don't like Mike Martz's offense, tough. If you don't like him, tough. If you like seeing him get throttled, tune in. Pick: Seahawks
Arizona (+1) at San Francisco: Ego Smith decided if Dan Marino can continue to get paid for looking tan and moving his lips, Smith can impersonate a tumbleweed with a strong tailwind one last time and ROLL FOR 127 YARDS AND THROW A TD PASS IN AN UPSET! Pick: 49ers
Baltimore at Washington (+1): Losing to Bill Parcells is one thing. Being outcoached by Dave Campo is like losing a quiz bowl to Paris Hilton's purse dog. As punishment, Joe Gibbs must start wearing a dress, makeup and hog nose on the sideline. Pick: Ravens
Tennessee (+3) at Green Bay: To decide who is tougher, Steve McNair and Brett Favre agree to a revival of American Gladiators at halftime and beat each other silly on a balance beam with giant, padded Q-tips. Pick: Titans
Last week vs. line: 7-6-1
Season vs. line: 31-25-3
Potential returns of Martin, Williams spoil a perfectly tasty week
07:41 PM CDT on Friday, October 8, 2004
What a week. Tiger Woods gets married in Barbados (a long way to travel once he realizes he left what remains of his golf game there). Cher wants to pose nude in a men's magazine for her 60th birthday. (Note to Cher: If we want to see your body, we can take a tour of the Dow Corning plant.) The buzz in Washington is that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, had plastic surgery on his eyelids. (There will be no reference to the Cowboys owner here.)
But the topper had to be a bid of $47,200 at a charity auction to have dinner with Ricky Martin, outdrawing Leonardo DiCaprio ($27,300). Thinking that his career was on the rebound, Martin tried to celebrate by shaking his bon-bon and pulled a muscle.
Enough already. On to the picks. (Only Celine Dion, Bruce Jenner and Ricky Martin would bet the following against the line.)
Miami (+13) at New England: The Patriots have won 18 straight. The Dolphins have thrown more TD passes to opponents (three) than to teammates (two). But chemistry is sure to improve now that their brownie-eating running back apparently wants to play football again. Pick: Patriots
Cleveland (+6) at Pittsburgh: If the Browns win and climb into the AFC North lead, Dave Campo vows to grow his mullet back. (Did you know: Mullets – all business in the front, party in the back – blanket the Rust Belt, where the '80s still rule?) Pick: Browns
Oakland (+9) at Indianapolis: With Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt questionable because of a hamstring injury, even quarterback Peyton Manning offered to massage it. Pick: Raiders
Detroit (+7) at Atlanta: Now that he's in the NFL, Roy Williams is finally taking out years of frustration from beatings by Okla- homa. The Lions, however, are still run by Matt Millen. Pick: Falcons
Tampa Bay (+3) at New Orleans: Speaking of Longhorns, Chris Simms gets the first NFL start for a Longhorn at QB in more than 40 years (since Bobby Layne in 1962), and shows there's a reason it's been so long. Pick: Saints
NY Giants (+3 ½ ) at Cowboys: Facing his former assistant coaches is the only thing that makes Bill Parcells nervous. That – and Jerry Jones milling about in the team's meeting rooms. Pick: Giants
Minnesota at Houston (+4): David Carr got his hair cut because the Texans won two in a row. Now he says he'll grow a beard for the Super Bowl. As long as he doesn't start talking about back, nose or ear hair, we're fine. Pick: Vikings
Buffalo (+7) at NY Jets: Bills cornerback Troy Vincent will miss at least two weeks because of an injury to his right knee. His teammates rally with a new source of inspiration: the growling women of Wife Swap. Pick: Bills
Jacksonville at San Diego (+3): Buried at third string on the depth chart, Doug Flutie, the future prime minister of Canada, works on his candidacy by giving away boxes of Flutie Flakes to Canucks with few loonies (that's Canadian dollars, for you non-hockey fans). Pick: Jaguars
Carolina (+5 ½ ) at Denver: Stephen Davis hopes to play after missing the last two games because of a knee injury. Team officials refuse to blame the injury on Davis sprinting from the locker room to see the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Pick: Panthers
St. Louis (+7) at Seattle: If you don't like Mike Martz's offense, tough. If you don't like him, tough. If you like seeing him get throttled, tune in. Pick: Seahawks
Arizona (+1) at San Francisco: Ego Smith decided if Dan Marino can continue to get paid for looking tan and moving his lips, Smith can impersonate a tumbleweed with a strong tailwind one last time and ROLL FOR 127 YARDS AND THROW A TD PASS IN AN UPSET! Pick: 49ers
Baltimore at Washington (+1): Losing to Bill Parcells is one thing. Being outcoached by Dave Campo is like losing a quiz bowl to Paris Hilton's purse dog. As punishment, Joe Gibbs must start wearing a dress, makeup and hog nose on the sideline. Pick: Ravens
Tennessee (+3) at Green Bay: To decide who is tougher, Steve McNair and Brett Favre agree to a revival of American Gladiators at halftime and beat each other silly on a balance beam with giant, padded Q-tips. Pick: Titans
Last week vs. line: 7-6-1
Season vs. line: 31-25-3