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Rocky Mountain High
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We are up to our foam fingers in headline-grabbing trouble. The streets are lousy with unsanctioned drugs, unregistered weapons, snarling dogs and excessively compensated strippers.
Yeah, it's been an itchy year for the NFL.
Commissioner Roger Goodell has staggered toward his sophomore season by opening a confessional in New York City. The Cincinnati Bengals are pushing to have their own Law & Order spin-off on NBC, while fending off a challenge from the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Michael Vick seems to have lost his mind, although insiders say it was found in Virginia and being used by a couple of freeloading relatives.
Fortunately for the NFL, Vick has provoked much more off-field scrutiny than most of his quarterbacking peers. He's probably just a lot more motivated.
By the way, it should be noted that — aside from the franchise bail bondsman — the quarterback often is the most important employee on any football team. And as long as most of them avoid going completely cuckoo, the league won't have to put an expansion team in Joliet.
With that notion almost firmly established, let's examine some of the league's most influential passers and determine which of these QBs is the most reliable off the field.
To determine the hierarchy, we've stirred history of conduct, salary and party potential in the city of employment into a stew and cooked up a few random numbers.
The following list is generated by these numbers and checks in as NFL's first-ever Quarterback Off-Duty Stability Rating, rolled out from best to worst:
1. Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints): Despite working in a city visited by women who will lift their jerseys without a downpour of U.S. currency, Brees has a relatively clean street record.
According to rumor, he once shushed someone at the Purdue library, but we haven't been able to corroborate the tale.
Rating: 110
2. Carson Palmer (Cincinnati Bengals): Palmer has impressed scouts with his ability to just say no to social offers from certain teammates.
To date, a football is the only thing he's passed to Chris Henry.
Rating: 105
Drew Brees and Carson Palmer have managed to avoid trouble in places where it's easy to find it. (Chris Graythen / Getty Images)
3. Matt Hasselbeck (Seattle Seahawks): A Chunky Soup commercial appearance has yet to spell disaster, but Matt could be in for trouble if he meets up with one of his sister-in-law's co-workers from The View.
Then again, he still needs a husky blocker to replace Steve Hutchinson at guard.
Rating: 102.3
4. Vince Young (Tennessee Titans): The former Texas Longhorn had a shaky beginning, reportedly throwing a party before throwing an NFL pass.
But anyone who can survive Austin should have little trouble in Nashville.
Also note that the Madden Curse usually kicks in when something bad happens on the field.
Rating: 100
5. Chad Pennington (New York Jets): He once attempted to throw New York City reporters under the bus, but didn't have the arm strength.
Rating: 98.6
6. Rex Grossman (Chicago Bears): As long as the Super Bowl isn't played on New Year's Eve, Grossman should be just dandy when not in uniform.
Some Bears fans are still counting down the seconds until another QB is drafted.
Rating: 95.3
7. Steve McNair (Baltimore Ravens): Steve wasn't driving, but still managed to be credited with a DUI. The on-field equivalent would be getting hurt and handing the offensive keys to Kyle Boller.
Rating: 92
8. Jeff Garcia (Tampa Bay Buccaneers): According to published reports, Garcia has been fought over by a couple of remarkably beautiful women. We're not sure if this was before or after Terrell Owens suggested his then-teammate might be gay. We're also not certain that both events were related.
Rating: 90
9. Peyton Manning (Indianapolis Colts): Manning generally gets along with teammates, but has been known to accuse kickers of being "liquored up." Insiders believe he could be the first quarterback in NFL history to miss time with an endorsement hernia.
Rating: 86.5
10. Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh Steelers): Let's hope he's truly sworn off riding his motorcycle without a helmet.
Ben's other off-field crises include being impersonated by non-players hoping to use his celebrity-jock status as a date-bagging maneuver. If his on-field exploits continue, impersonators will have to start throwing interceptions to impress women, and Roethlisberger's dating hopes will require his impersonation of Will Farrell.
Rating: 86
Tom Brady likes to have fun off the field, but not the wrong kind of fun. (Donald Miralle / Getty Images)
11. Tom Brady (New England Patriots): Attempted to alienate the Pats' entire fan base by wearing a Yankees cap in New York City.
Another off-season distraction is the rumored threat of a new reality series called America's Next Top Model to Date Tom Brady.
Rating: 80
12. Donovan McNabb (Philadelphia Eagles): McNabb may become the first NFL quarterback to require rehab for injured feelings. Well, we're not sure if they're injured or just hurt.
At least he's not getting fat during the off-season anymore.
Rating: 76.5
13. Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys): Reportedly signed up for judging duty at the Miss Universe pageant, but will not be given any holding responsibilities.
Cowboy fans are worried that he's spending more time with Carrie Underwood than T.O. At least Carrie doesn't sleep through meetings.
Rating: 72
14. Matt Leinart (Arizona Cardinals): The acceleration of his learning curve was not intended to include a Chevy Tahoe.
Please note that Matt's peripheral interest in motion pictures began with four photo-radar incidents.
A decent rookie season gives Leinart temporary immunity from any mention of Paris Hilton.
Rating: 50.3
15. Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcons): Now running out of the pocket and possibly onto the docket. With allegations of STDs, a questionable water bottle, at least one public obscene gesture, dog-fight enabling and a ridiculous alias, Vick has become the biggest off-field quarterback risk since a couple of wayward Carolina Panther cheerleaders. Former teammate Matt Schaub was worried that if he continued as Vick's backup, he might be arrested as an accomplice. Rating: 0.5
article
Yeah, it's been an itchy year for the NFL.
Commissioner Roger Goodell has staggered toward his sophomore season by opening a confessional in New York City. The Cincinnati Bengals are pushing to have their own Law & Order spin-off on NBC, while fending off a challenge from the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Michael Vick seems to have lost his mind, although insiders say it was found in Virginia and being used by a couple of freeloading relatives.
Fortunately for the NFL, Vick has provoked much more off-field scrutiny than most of his quarterbacking peers. He's probably just a lot more motivated.
By the way, it should be noted that — aside from the franchise bail bondsman — the quarterback often is the most important employee on any football team. And as long as most of them avoid going completely cuckoo, the league won't have to put an expansion team in Joliet.
With that notion almost firmly established, let's examine some of the league's most influential passers and determine which of these QBs is the most reliable off the field.
To determine the hierarchy, we've stirred history of conduct, salary and party potential in the city of employment into a stew and cooked up a few random numbers.
The following list is generated by these numbers and checks in as NFL's first-ever Quarterback Off-Duty Stability Rating, rolled out from best to worst:
1. Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints): Despite working in a city visited by women who will lift their jerseys without a downpour of U.S. currency, Brees has a relatively clean street record.
According to rumor, he once shushed someone at the Purdue library, but we haven't been able to corroborate the tale.
Rating: 110
2. Carson Palmer (Cincinnati Bengals): Palmer has impressed scouts with his ability to just say no to social offers from certain teammates.
To date, a football is the only thing he's passed to Chris Henry.
Rating: 105
3. Matt Hasselbeck (Seattle Seahawks): A Chunky Soup commercial appearance has yet to spell disaster, but Matt could be in for trouble if he meets up with one of his sister-in-law's co-workers from The View.
Then again, he still needs a husky blocker to replace Steve Hutchinson at guard.
Rating: 102.3
4. Vince Young (Tennessee Titans): The former Texas Longhorn had a shaky beginning, reportedly throwing a party before throwing an NFL pass.
But anyone who can survive Austin should have little trouble in Nashville.
Also note that the Madden Curse usually kicks in when something bad happens on the field.
Rating: 100
5. Chad Pennington (New York Jets): He once attempted to throw New York City reporters under the bus, but didn't have the arm strength.
Rating: 98.6
6. Rex Grossman (Chicago Bears): As long as the Super Bowl isn't played on New Year's Eve, Grossman should be just dandy when not in uniform.
Some Bears fans are still counting down the seconds until another QB is drafted.
Rating: 95.3
7. Steve McNair (Baltimore Ravens): Steve wasn't driving, but still managed to be credited with a DUI. The on-field equivalent would be getting hurt and handing the offensive keys to Kyle Boller.
Rating: 92
8. Jeff Garcia (Tampa Bay Buccaneers): According to published reports, Garcia has been fought over by a couple of remarkably beautiful women. We're not sure if this was before or after Terrell Owens suggested his then-teammate might be gay. We're also not certain that both events were related.
Rating: 90
9. Peyton Manning (Indianapolis Colts): Manning generally gets along with teammates, but has been known to accuse kickers of being "liquored up." Insiders believe he could be the first quarterback in NFL history to miss time with an endorsement hernia.
Rating: 86.5
10. Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh Steelers): Let's hope he's truly sworn off riding his motorcycle without a helmet.
Ben's other off-field crises include being impersonated by non-players hoping to use his celebrity-jock status as a date-bagging maneuver. If his on-field exploits continue, impersonators will have to start throwing interceptions to impress women, and Roethlisberger's dating hopes will require his impersonation of Will Farrell.
Rating: 86
11. Tom Brady (New England Patriots): Attempted to alienate the Pats' entire fan base by wearing a Yankees cap in New York City.
Another off-season distraction is the rumored threat of a new reality series called America's Next Top Model to Date Tom Brady.
Rating: 80
12. Donovan McNabb (Philadelphia Eagles): McNabb may become the first NFL quarterback to require rehab for injured feelings. Well, we're not sure if they're injured or just hurt.
At least he's not getting fat during the off-season anymore.
Rating: 76.5
13. Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys): Reportedly signed up for judging duty at the Miss Universe pageant, but will not be given any holding responsibilities.
Cowboy fans are worried that he's spending more time with Carrie Underwood than T.O. At least Carrie doesn't sleep through meetings.
Rating: 72
14. Matt Leinart (Arizona Cardinals): The acceleration of his learning curve was not intended to include a Chevy Tahoe.
Please note that Matt's peripheral interest in motion pictures began with four photo-radar incidents.
A decent rookie season gives Leinart temporary immunity from any mention of Paris Hilton.
Rating: 50.3
15. Michael Vick (Atlanta Falcons): Now running out of the pocket and possibly onto the docket. With allegations of STDs, a questionable water bottle, at least one public obscene gesture, dog-fight enabling and a ridiculous alias, Vick has become the biggest off-field quarterback risk since a couple of wayward Carolina Panther cheerleaders. Former teammate Matt Schaub was worried that if he continued as Vick's backup, he might be arrested as an accomplice. Rating: 0.5
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