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Wednesday March 8
In response to the anxious pleas of his consituency, Mass. Senator Ted "Baby you can drive my car" Kennedy has asked the U.S. Senate to pass a tax on cities with winning football franchises. This tax, known privately as the "Loser Tax" will create a pot of money that will be split between small market teams to enable them to maintain competitiveness in the NFL.
The tax would work similar to a capital gains tax, in that any franchise earning a combined revenue above an arbitrary, and yet to be determined limit, will be taxed at a 33% rate. The tax applies to all income, including luxury boxes, parking, and consessions. The lowest earning franchises will be entitled to a share of these federal dollars provided they are in the bottom third of overall earnings and do not play home games in a red state. Many details have yet to be ironed out, such as the status of the New Orleans/San Antonio/Shreveport Saints who play at least part of their home games in New Jersey.
Senator Bill Frist (R), when asked to comment, stated that the proposed Loser Tax was merely an attempt by the Democratic Party to extend entitlements to sway public opinion. Democratic Party Chief, Howard Dean likened the proposed NFL tax to a helping hand. "Why should one franchise succeed," stated Dean, "simply because they work hard and win? There is no room in professional sports for the this kind of discrimination!"
President Bush refused to answer questions when confronted on the White House lawnas he prepared to leave for a tour of Southeast Brazil. Smiling to reporters, he stated, "Dick Cheney found the keys to the gun cabinet, so if y'all will excuse me, I gotta go!"
Paul Tagliabue's office has been swamped by requests for an NFL franchises.
Hearing of the proposed Loser Tax, Bismark, N.D., Provo, Ut., and the Duchee of Gran Fedwick have all put in applications for new NFL franchises. Bubba Henbrick, spokesman for the Bismark businessmen heading up the petition for an NFL franchise spoke with reporters, stating that he felt certain that Bismark would draw less fans than any other NFL franchise and would be a likely spot for the government to place funds from the Loser Tax. "Hell boys, we can't even out draw them Canadian Football teams, why shouldn't we benefit from this here is Bismark?"
Speaking before the Senate, California's junior senator, Barbara Boxer commented that it is intolerable that all Americans cannot have a home franchise to root for. "Why should only selected cities be entitled to have football teams and the same opportunities not be given to all?"
From the owners meeting in Dallas, word has circulated that not all owners are happy with the proposed Loser Tax. Jerry Jones is leading a gang of wealthy owners looking to keep the money they have earned - a totally facist position. The only favorable news came when San Francisco 49'ers owner John York stated that his team can now go forward with their plan to move the 49'ers to Wyoming, the local of the hit Movie, "Brokeback Mountain." "With all the love in Wyoming, we just feel that our team would feel more comfortable in such a touching locale," York told reporters. "I am only disappointed that Jones would not sell us the rights to the team name, 'Cowboys'. That would have made our transition complete!"
Wednesday March 8
In response to the anxious pleas of his consituency, Mass. Senator Ted "Baby you can drive my car" Kennedy has asked the U.S. Senate to pass a tax on cities with winning football franchises. This tax, known privately as the "Loser Tax" will create a pot of money that will be split between small market teams to enable them to maintain competitiveness in the NFL.
The tax would work similar to a capital gains tax, in that any franchise earning a combined revenue above an arbitrary, and yet to be determined limit, will be taxed at a 33% rate. The tax applies to all income, including luxury boxes, parking, and consessions. The lowest earning franchises will be entitled to a share of these federal dollars provided they are in the bottom third of overall earnings and do not play home games in a red state. Many details have yet to be ironed out, such as the status of the New Orleans/San Antonio/Shreveport Saints who play at least part of their home games in New Jersey.
Senator Bill Frist (R), when asked to comment, stated that the proposed Loser Tax was merely an attempt by the Democratic Party to extend entitlements to sway public opinion. Democratic Party Chief, Howard Dean likened the proposed NFL tax to a helping hand. "Why should one franchise succeed," stated Dean, "simply because they work hard and win? There is no room in professional sports for the this kind of discrimination!"
President Bush refused to answer questions when confronted on the White House lawnas he prepared to leave for a tour of Southeast Brazil. Smiling to reporters, he stated, "Dick Cheney found the keys to the gun cabinet, so if y'all will excuse me, I gotta go!"
Paul Tagliabue's office has been swamped by requests for an NFL franchises.
Hearing of the proposed Loser Tax, Bismark, N.D., Provo, Ut., and the Duchee of Gran Fedwick have all put in applications for new NFL franchises. Bubba Henbrick, spokesman for the Bismark businessmen heading up the petition for an NFL franchise spoke with reporters, stating that he felt certain that Bismark would draw less fans than any other NFL franchise and would be a likely spot for the government to place funds from the Loser Tax. "Hell boys, we can't even out draw them Canadian Football teams, why shouldn't we benefit from this here is Bismark?"
Speaking before the Senate, California's junior senator, Barbara Boxer commented that it is intolerable that all Americans cannot have a home franchise to root for. "Why should only selected cities be entitled to have football teams and the same opportunities not be given to all?"
From the owners meeting in Dallas, word has circulated that not all owners are happy with the proposed Loser Tax. Jerry Jones is leading a gang of wealthy owners looking to keep the money they have earned - a totally facist position. The only favorable news came when San Francisco 49'ers owner John York stated that his team can now go forward with their plan to move the 49'ers to Wyoming, the local of the hit Movie, "Brokeback Mountain." "With all the love in Wyoming, we just feel that our team would feel more comfortable in such a touching locale," York told reporters. "I am only disappointed that Jones would not sell us the rights to the team name, 'Cowboys'. That would have made our transition complete!"
nice post,