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Peter Parker
The Daily Bugle
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Share this article Published: Thursday, April 2, 2009
Updated: Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Dallas Cowboys made an unexpected move Wednesday with the controversial signing of Spider-Man to play as wide receiver for the 2009 NFL season.
“Spidey has it all,” Spider-Man’s agent, Flip Bagwell, said. “With hands like that, he’ll always catch the ball. I would love to see anyone who could catch him, for that matter. Any man who can swing from buildings can easily dodge linebackers.”
Questions arose, however, when the subject of performance-enhancing substances was raised at a press conference.
“I’ve never taken any performance-enhancing drugs, including steroids or HGH,” Spider-Man said. “I’m completely clean.”
While his drug testing did indeed come back negative, there have been some concerns as to whether or not bites from genetically enhanced or radioactive insects could violate the NFL’s banned-substances policy in the future.
“Genetic mutation should most definitely be restricted for NFL participation,” analyst Brad Blowhard said. “If Spider-Man is allowed to play, then how are average athletes supposed to compete with this unfair advantage?
“Not only is he stronger, faster and more agile than others, but he can fling webs from his wrists. No quarterback could overthrow him.”
Dallas quarterback Tony Romo has expressed excitement at the prospect of directing passes to Spider-Man. His numbers are likely to go up.
As of right now, Spider-Man is in no violation of the banned-substance policy. This has led other teams to try alternate-recruiting methods as well. The Green Lantern has been invited to work out with the Philadelphia Eagles, and The Flash and Mr. Fantastic have been seen at training camps with the Carolina Panthers, St. Louis Rams and Oakland Raiders (respectively?).
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wasn’t available for an interview regarding the acquisition of Spider-Man. So far, Spidey is still the only “super” that has actually signed an NFL contract. The contract is worth an estimated $6.4 million per year for two years.
Spider-Man will definitely add a whole new dimension to the Dallas offense. During workouts he was clocked at a record-breaking 1.23 second 40-yard dash time. He bench-pressed the standard 200 lbs for over an hour, and an official count wasn’t recorded. He was reportedly doing the reps faster than anyone could count.
http://www.thevoyager.net/spidey-signed-by-cowboys-opponents-say-no-to-superpowers-1.1640981
:
The Daily Bugle
Print this article
Share this article Published: Thursday, April 2, 2009
Updated: Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Dallas Cowboys made an unexpected move Wednesday with the controversial signing of Spider-Man to play as wide receiver for the 2009 NFL season.
“Spidey has it all,” Spider-Man’s agent, Flip Bagwell, said. “With hands like that, he’ll always catch the ball. I would love to see anyone who could catch him, for that matter. Any man who can swing from buildings can easily dodge linebackers.”
Questions arose, however, when the subject of performance-enhancing substances was raised at a press conference.
“I’ve never taken any performance-enhancing drugs, including steroids or HGH,” Spider-Man said. “I’m completely clean.”
While his drug testing did indeed come back negative, there have been some concerns as to whether or not bites from genetically enhanced or radioactive insects could violate the NFL’s banned-substances policy in the future.
“Genetic mutation should most definitely be restricted for NFL participation,” analyst Brad Blowhard said. “If Spider-Man is allowed to play, then how are average athletes supposed to compete with this unfair advantage?
“Not only is he stronger, faster and more agile than others, but he can fling webs from his wrists. No quarterback could overthrow him.”
Dallas quarterback Tony Romo has expressed excitement at the prospect of directing passes to Spider-Man. His numbers are likely to go up.
As of right now, Spider-Man is in no violation of the banned-substance policy. This has led other teams to try alternate-recruiting methods as well. The Green Lantern has been invited to work out with the Philadelphia Eagles, and The Flash and Mr. Fantastic have been seen at training camps with the Carolina Panthers, St. Louis Rams and Oakland Raiders (respectively?).
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wasn’t available for an interview regarding the acquisition of Spider-Man. So far, Spidey is still the only “super” that has actually signed an NFL contract. The contract is worth an estimated $6.4 million per year for two years.
Spider-Man will definitely add a whole new dimension to the Dallas offense. During workouts he was clocked at a record-breaking 1.23 second 40-yard dash time. He bench-pressed the standard 200 lbs for over an hour, and an official count wasn’t recorded. He was reportedly doing the reps faster than anyone could count.
http://www.thevoyager.net/spidey-signed-by-cowboys-opponents-say-no-to-superpowers-1.1640981
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