Weak..... here's the post.
Snyder Offers League
Buttload of Cash for Championship
WASHINGTON, DC -
-The NFL's megalomaniac, Washington Commander owner Daniel Snyder has informed the NFL that he wishes to buy outright the NFL championship for the 2005-2006 season for a buttload of cash. In a complicated deal Snyder has offered a package totaling over one hundred million dollars to the league and to the various teams in the league. In return the Washington Commanders would be declared champions for this season and would be awarded the Lombardi Trophy.
Snyder had previously attempted a traditional indirect, albeit aggressive method of buying a championship when he signed several prominent high-priced free agents in the previous three off-seasons. Unfortunately for Snyder this attempt to buy the championship has not turned as promising as hoped. Snyder realized the need for a contingency plan after his high-priced Commanders were humiliated by the New York Giants 36-0 on Oct. 30th of last year.
"When I first started signing free agents I was offended that folks said I was buying a Championship," explained Snyder. "But then I figured well if folks think I am going to buy a Championship I might as well freaking do it the right way."
In a press release Snyder outlined a plan that he claimed would maintain the league's integrity and also allow the Commanders to buy their NFL championship. Under the plan, should the Commanders not win the Super Bowl in January then the team that did win would get thirty-five million dollars, the other thirty teams would receive two million each. Regardless of who wins the Super Bowl the league itself would receive fifteen million dollars.
"I made them an offer they can't refuse," remarked Snyder.
The NFL released a statement saying that the Championship was not for sale, but that a "buttload" of money could certainly change their minds. "But we may differ on what defines a 'buttload'," said the statement from the league offices.
Snyder was quick to counter that this was of course just an initial offer and was open to negotiation, "I am glad the league is at least being open-minded. I see this as a win-win situation for all involved, I get my Super Bowl Championship and everybody else gets a buttload of cash."
Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson said that he would vote to affirm the deal if a majority of the other owners agree to give him 50% of their team's proceeds. Wilson intends to share that buttload of cash with one or two other small-market owners.
"After all," Ralph said, "Us little guys have got to stick together."
As of now, an NFL owner's meeting is scheduled to consider the idea. A mid-season meeting is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday, Oct.31 in the conference room of the Federal Reserve Bank in Washington, D.C.
However, some NFL owners are are saying that perhaps the meeting should be postponed until after the 12th Week, when teams will have a better idea of how the division races will turn out.
This group of owners, representing the San Farancisco (4-12 last year), New Orleans (3-13 last year), Green Bay (4-12 last year), Oakland (4-12 last year), and Houston (2-14 last year) franchises have appointed Al Davis as their spokesman.
"We're not conceeding anything," said Al. "We all feel we have somewhat legitimate chances to win our respective divisions. And, what's more, our fans do, too. We owe it to our fans, players, and the cities we represent to not sell out until we see "the handwriting on the wall."
In contrast, some of the more successful team owners have formed a separate group, with different proposals. Although a consensus has not yet been reached, this group (made up of Jerry Jones from the Cowboys, Pat Bowlen of the Broncos, Dan Rooney of the Steelers, and Jim Irsay of the Colts) feel that Danny Boy's current proposal is unaceptable.
Their spokesman, Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys (commonly known as America's Team) said the proposal "is way out of line with the competitive image that the league has been cultivating for many years."
He further went on to say, "I know Dan Snyder well. This latest proposal is merely an unabashed attempt to circumvent the normal division elimination process. It's been a long, long time (8 years) since his team managed to win the NFC East, so this is just a another blatant attempt to buy the division crown."
"Ive been in communication with the other NFC East owners and they feel the same way," Jerry reiterated. "However, we feel an accomodation can be made. Especially if, after the division race is decided, a separate, divisional playoff game is arranged. This is basically what we have in mind:"
"The divisional playoff contest would pit the East Division winner against the Wahington Commanders. The winner would then advance to the playoffs. The game would be played at the division winner's home stadium. In order for his team to take part, Snyder would pay each of the other NFC East teams $50 million. In addition, the Commanders draft choices for the next 120 years would be evenly split among the other 3 division teams."
"The other owners and I see nothing amiss in giving the Commanders another shot at us" Jerry said. "They'll 'blow it' anyway. And besides, the extra gate receipts could be used to satisfy cry-baby Ralph and the other communists that have crept into the league."
Upon hearing this, Dan Snyder remarked, "It sounds a little steep but, with some further negotiation, I'm sure something could be worked out. We never seem to use our draft choices anyway, so I really don't see a problem with it. And the extra $150 million is cheaper than what I spend on Sean Taylor's lawyers."
"I'd like to see the game played at Fed-Ex Field, though. That way, with the poor vision in many sections, our fans would be oblivious to the poor performance on our part. However, that could be offset with some nice bonuses to the referrees. Hell, if you're gonna buy the thing, why not go all the way?"
This last remark about purchasing the refs brought loud protests from Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeff Lurie.
"He can't do that," Jeff said. "Everyone knows that the refs are already in my pocket! How in the world do you think we won those recent NFC titles?" he asked.
A savy reporter in the crowd seized on this to ask, "Then what happenned in Super Bowl XXXIX? If the refs were paid off, why didn't you win?"
"There was a banking glitch," Mr. Lurie confessed. "My wife didn't get down to the bank in time to make the deposit and, as a result, the referree's checks bounced. I didn't know about it until late in the 4th quarter. As a result, the game was on the up-and-up. There was no way we could win that way." Lurie remarked.
Further negotiations between the two groups of owners, Mr. Snyder, and the NFL as a whole will clearly have to take place before Danny Boy's buying the Super Bowl Trophy is either approved or disapproved.
Fans can voice their opinion at:
SuperBowlSellOut.com
Vote either:
Yes, I'm a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. The lowly Commanders have demonstrated that they are habitually football challenged and should be given the opportunity to call themselves champions just once. MAKE THE DEAL!
or
No, screw the 'Skins! I enjoy watching Danny and the Losers cry each season as their preseason glory fades to black! NO DEAL!
Meanwhile, stay tuned for further developments.......
