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Why your team won't win the Super Bowl
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Randy Hill / Special to FOXSports.com
Posted: 22 hours ago
Now that it's threatening to supplant Texas Hold 'Em as America's favorite sport, professional football is demanding more attention.
Consider me all in.
This commitment requires enough math skill to determine that the first official NFL exhibition game is only 10 days away.
It should be noted that the NFL doesn't recognize the word exhibition, which comes from the Latin and — loosely translated — means "big, nasty tease."
Instead, the NFL considers its games to be part of something known as the preseason, a training-wheels word that has been taken from the Pigskin Latin and translates as "you pay full price."
Typical preseason protocol includes player introductions that require each big-name participant to sprint onto the field from one tunnel and continue chugging until a tunnel is reached on the opposite end of the stadium.
Anyway, the buzzword for today's NFL continues to be parity. Please note that parity includes five of the letters needed to spell Patriots.
Does this suggest another Patriots Super Bowl triumph?
It does not.
Well, if I'm not prepared to endorse New England, then which team looms as my pick to fondle the Lombardi Trophy in Detroit?
Before answering that question, I need to make another commitment. This is a commitment to quit (for a while, at least) being such a nice guy. Sure, you've noticed the trend.
I rarely write anything negative. That's just my nature. In fact, Dick Vermeil goes through at least four hankies while reading a typical column.
But instead of riding this formula, I'm prepared to accentuate the negative.
That's why this particular column will explain why your team will not win the Super Bowl.
Quoting a great player (I think it was Jim Kelly) ... deal with it.
NFC
East Division
Dallas Cowboys: We're not sure if he's the best quarterback named Drew on this team, but Drew Bledsoe has been hired to start behind center. Even if the Dallas defense is less doomed than last year, the Cowboys won't win it all because Bledsoe holds the ball longer than Kobe Bryant.
New York Giants: This is the year franchise savior Eli Manning shows the world he's a better quarterback than his older brother. His older brother named Cooper Manning.
Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles, who seem poised to win it all, will fade after quarterback Donovan McNabb goes out for the season with hurt feelings. The culprit figures to be messianic receiver Terrell Owens. You may recall that the tragically under-compensated T.O. sort of compared himself to Jesus. At least the Eagles are training in Bethlehem, Pa.
Washington Commanders: NASCAR-connected Joe Gibbs wrecks his second year back in D.C. by failing to remove the restrictor plate from QB Patrick Ramsey.
North Division
Chicago Bears: The alleged salvation of a rotten offense is rookie running back Cedric Benson. Cedric, a former Texas Longhorn, has attempted to sidestep comparisons to Ricky Williams. At press time, Ricky was in camp and Cedric was not.
Detroit Lions: While waiting to see if injury-prone Charles Rogers follows through on plans to star in a reality series called Pimp My Gurney, Joey Harrington flops at quarterback. The Lions turn to former 49ers star Jeff Garcia. Even though ex-teammate Terrell Owens may have his doubts, Garcia isn't gay. He just can't pass straight.
Green Bay Packers: A defense already assessed as weak overall, is doomed by a secondary featuring a hybrid that will be known as the "shot-down corner."
Minnesota Vikings: With coach Mike Tice busted for scalping tickets, many of his players will refuse to take him at face value.
South Division
Atlanta Falcons: After watching Michael Vick risk his health on highlight-reel packages, the world eventually will learn that longevity for great legs is limited to Tina Turner.
Carolina Panthers: Super Bowl triumph is not prepared to attach itself to a team whose alleged top steroid fiend was the ex-punter.
New Orleans Saints: The letter to follow in the Big Easy is D-plus ... that's the grade many experts have assigned to the Saints' linebacking corps.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Another disappointing season will determine whether or not Jon Gruden is worthy of as many spin-offs as the original Chucky.
West Division
Arizona Cardinals: No team playing its home games on the surface of the sun has ever won a Super Bowl.
St. Louis Rams: If the Rams reach Detroit, coach Mike Martz might burn all of his timeouts just to watch Super Bowl ads on a TV monitor.
San Francisco 49ers: Instead of the Super Bowl, they're committed to winning the D'Brickashaw Ferguson sweepstakes.
Seattle Seahawks: Jittery-handed receivers will inspire the creation of a regional coffee selection known as decatch.
AFC
East Division
Buffalo Bills: Quarterback J.P. Losman attempted five real passes during his rookie season. He will learn that reading defense on film and reading them in a game is not unlike switching from Dr. Seuss to James Joyce. For the record, don't miss "The Cat in Finnegan's Hat."
Miami Dolphins: Even though Ricky Williams' mind is an alleged drug-free environment, the key to victory is rookie RB Ronnie Brown. Ronnie, who teamed up with Carnell "Cadillac" Williams at Auburn, is working with "VW Bus" Williams in South Florida.
New England Patriots: This has nothing to do with the absences of Charlie Weis, Romeo Crennel and Tedy Bruschi. The excuse for the Pats' potential slip is karma; it's about time that someone backed this karma over Tom Brady's foot.
New York Jets: Chad Pennington has reminded us it's a privilege to cover the Jets. Unless Chad picks it up a little, I'm covering them with a sheet.
North Division
Baltimore Ravens: Well, Jamal Lewis had his breakout season two years ago, and QB Kyle Boller's passing inaccuracy could even lead to rebellion from a Frisbee-catching dog.
Cincinnati Bengals: The offense should be dandy, but the defense needs at least one more starter named Johnson.
Cleveland Browns: The Brownies are on a downward cycle ... we're pretty sure it was a Honda.
Pittsburgh Steelers: A civilian has had success impersonating Ben Roethlisberger, but Ben won't be able to impersonate the Roethlisberger of 2004.
South Division
Houston Texans: I've only written about 12 lines that qualify as worse than those the Texans trot out on both sides of the ball.
Indianapolis Colts: The offense is remarkable, but the best linebacker in town is Ron Artest.
Jacksonville Jaguars: The defense may be good enough, but key running back Fred Taylor has spent more career time in street clothes than has Divine Brown.
Tennessee Titans: The assimilation of offensive coordinator Norm Chow would go more smoothly if his playbook had a Cliff Notes version.
West Division
Denver Broncos: The defensive line is gunning for help from Triple-A Cleveland, but QB Jake Plummer still has the pocket presence of lint.
Kansas City Chiefs: If free-agent defenders don't live up to billing, the head coach will be referred to as Ick Vermeil.
Oakland Raiders: Defense is shifting from 3-4 to 4-3. With Randy Moss on offense, team will shift from 7-9 to 9-7.
San Diego Chargers: They'll be good, but coach Marty Schottenheimer has been even more overmatched in January than your Visa statement.
Story Tools: Print Email XML
Randy Hill / Special to FOXSports.com
Posted: 22 hours ago
Now that it's threatening to supplant Texas Hold 'Em as America's favorite sport, professional football is demanding more attention.
Consider me all in.
This commitment requires enough math skill to determine that the first official NFL exhibition game is only 10 days away.
It should be noted that the NFL doesn't recognize the word exhibition, which comes from the Latin and — loosely translated — means "big, nasty tease."
Instead, the NFL considers its games to be part of something known as the preseason, a training-wheels word that has been taken from the Pigskin Latin and translates as "you pay full price."
Typical preseason protocol includes player introductions that require each big-name participant to sprint onto the field from one tunnel and continue chugging until a tunnel is reached on the opposite end of the stadium.
Anyway, the buzzword for today's NFL continues to be parity. Please note that parity includes five of the letters needed to spell Patriots.
Does this suggest another Patriots Super Bowl triumph?
It does not.
Well, if I'm not prepared to endorse New England, then which team looms as my pick to fondle the Lombardi Trophy in Detroit?
Before answering that question, I need to make another commitment. This is a commitment to quit (for a while, at least) being such a nice guy. Sure, you've noticed the trend.
I rarely write anything negative. That's just my nature. In fact, Dick Vermeil goes through at least four hankies while reading a typical column.
But instead of riding this formula, I'm prepared to accentuate the negative.
That's why this particular column will explain why your team will not win the Super Bowl.
Quoting a great player (I think it was Jim Kelly) ... deal with it.
NFC
East Division
Dallas Cowboys: We're not sure if he's the best quarterback named Drew on this team, but Drew Bledsoe has been hired to start behind center. Even if the Dallas defense is less doomed than last year, the Cowboys won't win it all because Bledsoe holds the ball longer than Kobe Bryant.
New York Giants: This is the year franchise savior Eli Manning shows the world he's a better quarterback than his older brother. His older brother named Cooper Manning.
Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles, who seem poised to win it all, will fade after quarterback Donovan McNabb goes out for the season with hurt feelings. The culprit figures to be messianic receiver Terrell Owens. You may recall that the tragically under-compensated T.O. sort of compared himself to Jesus. At least the Eagles are training in Bethlehem, Pa.
Washington Commanders: NASCAR-connected Joe Gibbs wrecks his second year back in D.C. by failing to remove the restrictor plate from QB Patrick Ramsey.
North Division
Chicago Bears: The alleged salvation of a rotten offense is rookie running back Cedric Benson. Cedric, a former Texas Longhorn, has attempted to sidestep comparisons to Ricky Williams. At press time, Ricky was in camp and Cedric was not.
Detroit Lions: While waiting to see if injury-prone Charles Rogers follows through on plans to star in a reality series called Pimp My Gurney, Joey Harrington flops at quarterback. The Lions turn to former 49ers star Jeff Garcia. Even though ex-teammate Terrell Owens may have his doubts, Garcia isn't gay. He just can't pass straight.
Green Bay Packers: A defense already assessed as weak overall, is doomed by a secondary featuring a hybrid that will be known as the "shot-down corner."
Minnesota Vikings: With coach Mike Tice busted for scalping tickets, many of his players will refuse to take him at face value.
South Division
Atlanta Falcons: After watching Michael Vick risk his health on highlight-reel packages, the world eventually will learn that longevity for great legs is limited to Tina Turner.
Carolina Panthers: Super Bowl triumph is not prepared to attach itself to a team whose alleged top steroid fiend was the ex-punter.
New Orleans Saints: The letter to follow in the Big Easy is D-plus ... that's the grade many experts have assigned to the Saints' linebacking corps.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Another disappointing season will determine whether or not Jon Gruden is worthy of as many spin-offs as the original Chucky.
West Division
Arizona Cardinals: No team playing its home games on the surface of the sun has ever won a Super Bowl.
St. Louis Rams: If the Rams reach Detroit, coach Mike Martz might burn all of his timeouts just to watch Super Bowl ads on a TV monitor.
San Francisco 49ers: Instead of the Super Bowl, they're committed to winning the D'Brickashaw Ferguson sweepstakes.
Seattle Seahawks: Jittery-handed receivers will inspire the creation of a regional coffee selection known as decatch.
AFC
East Division
Buffalo Bills: Quarterback J.P. Losman attempted five real passes during his rookie season. He will learn that reading defense on film and reading them in a game is not unlike switching from Dr. Seuss to James Joyce. For the record, don't miss "The Cat in Finnegan's Hat."
Miami Dolphins: Even though Ricky Williams' mind is an alleged drug-free environment, the key to victory is rookie RB Ronnie Brown. Ronnie, who teamed up with Carnell "Cadillac" Williams at Auburn, is working with "VW Bus" Williams in South Florida.
New England Patriots: This has nothing to do with the absences of Charlie Weis, Romeo Crennel and Tedy Bruschi. The excuse for the Pats' potential slip is karma; it's about time that someone backed this karma over Tom Brady's foot.
New York Jets: Chad Pennington has reminded us it's a privilege to cover the Jets. Unless Chad picks it up a little, I'm covering them with a sheet.
North Division
Baltimore Ravens: Well, Jamal Lewis had his breakout season two years ago, and QB Kyle Boller's passing inaccuracy could even lead to rebellion from a Frisbee-catching dog.
Cincinnati Bengals: The offense should be dandy, but the defense needs at least one more starter named Johnson.
Cleveland Browns: The Brownies are on a downward cycle ... we're pretty sure it was a Honda.
Pittsburgh Steelers: A civilian has had success impersonating Ben Roethlisberger, but Ben won't be able to impersonate the Roethlisberger of 2004.
South Division
Houston Texans: I've only written about 12 lines that qualify as worse than those the Texans trot out on both sides of the ball.
Indianapolis Colts: The offense is remarkable, but the best linebacker in town is Ron Artest.
Jacksonville Jaguars: The defense may be good enough, but key running back Fred Taylor has spent more career time in street clothes than has Divine Brown.
Tennessee Titans: The assimilation of offensive coordinator Norm Chow would go more smoothly if his playbook had a Cliff Notes version.
West Division
Denver Broncos: The defensive line is gunning for help from Triple-A Cleveland, but QB Jake Plummer still has the pocket presence of lint.
Kansas City Chiefs: If free-agent defenders don't live up to billing, the head coach will be referred to as Ick Vermeil.
Oakland Raiders: Defense is shifting from 3-4 to 4-3. With Randy Moss on offense, team will shift from 7-9 to 9-7.
San Diego Chargers: They'll be good, but coach Marty Schottenheimer has been even more overmatched in January than your Visa statement.