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You know you're at a dive bar when...

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by JoeyBoy718, Mar 16, 2014.

  1. DallasCowpoke

    DallasCowpoke Fierce Allegiance

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    There's one "bathroom". The toilet is missing, and you do your business in the remaining hole in the floor.
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  2. Roadtrip635

    Roadtrip635 Well-Known Member

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    I've been to my share of dive bars, you just never know what you're gonna see.

    When there's a guy on a Harley doing donuts on the dance floor and you turn to someone next to you and say "The bartender is gonna be pissed." and the guy next to you says "That is the bartender!"
    When you're hitting on a girl and the bartender shakes his head at you and when she goes to the restroom, he tells you the girl is out on bail for stabbing her last boyfriend. "She didn't kill him, but messed him up pretty bad."

    When you ask where the restroom is, they tell you "It's out back around the corner, next to the chicken coop."

    You notice a flyer on the bar advertising their Annual Cockroach Races. We actually went, it was quite the spectacle, like a mini Churchill Downs. My betting didn't go so well, it's darn near impossible to accurately handicap a cockroach.

    When you spit, it doesn't hit the floor. There used to be a dive bar over the water in Galveston and the cracks and splits in the wood floors were so big in some places you could spit between them and hit the water.

    When there's a sign behind the bar saying that cigarettes can be purchased individually.
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  3. DallasCowpoke

    DallasCowpoke Fierce Allegiance

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    Shoot, I was in a 1-off convenience store near Fair Park just a few weeks ago that had "singlets" in a Styrofoam cup next to the register. I think the masking tape price tag on it was something like .50?
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  4. daschoo

    daschoo Slanje Va

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    This reminded me of a couple of years ago being at a wedding. While the photos were getting taken, room prepared for dinner etc me and a few of the boys decided to go for a few drinks in the pub just round the corner from the church. Only time in my life I've ever experienced the old western movie cliche where everyone in the place stops talking and turns to stare at the strangers. What reminded me of this was they had a big hand written sign at the fruit machine saying "Bandit for use of REGULARS only!!!" Sat beside it was a middle aged guy about 18st and balding with knife scars on his face wearing a vest so you could see his tattoos who presumably was going to enforce this. A fruit machine is a kind of small stake slots machine that we have in pubs over here by the way not a vending machine distributing healthy snacks, not sure if you have them in bars over there so thought I should explain.
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  5. BigStar

    BigStar Stop chasing Zone Supporter

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    Your underclass confuses me:D (Snatch)
  6. Roadtrip635

    Roadtrip635 Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like we both frequent some very classy joints! :cool:
  7. Roadtrip635

    Roadtrip635 Well-Known Member

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    I've had that experience a few times, when everyone stops and stares when you walk in. It does make you a little nervous. In Memphis, we had met some locals at a bar and told me about a great little cafe in his old neighborhood, so we decided to go there the next day. As we're looking for the cafe, we're stopped at a traffic light waiting to make a left turn, when a guy pulls up next to us and asks if we were lost. I told him we were not and headed for lunch and he told us we shouldn't turn down that street. He said he was local and he wouldn't go down that street. I thanked him but we turned anyway, he kept trying to warn us even as we turned. I could see why as we were driving thru the neighborhood, sketchy would be a kind way to describe it. It's about 11am on Sunday morning, when we find the place and walk in. When we walked in everybody stopped eating and just stared at us and kept staring at us as we made our way to a table. The waitress eventually made her way to us and looked none to happy about us being there and asked if we were lost. I told her that we weren't lost and that somebody sent us there. She was more than a little surprised to hear that and asked who would send us down there. I told her the guy's name and that we had met him the night before while he was celebrating his birthday and we partied with him and his friends all night. Her mood completely changed, she had known him since he was a little kid and asked how he was doing, about the wife and kids etc... We were like a part of the family after that and had one of the best soul food meals I've ever had.
  8. JIMMYBUFFETT

    JIMMYBUFFETT Skinwalker

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    The greatest dive bar I've ever been to was on a backpacking trip to Big Bend National Park. After a 3 day backpacking trip traipsing through the desert with little water, a friend of mine and I became thirsty. We decided to cross the border (pre 9/11) and go to what's known as "The Park Bar" in Boquilllas Mexico. The bar itself is great, but the adventure comes in getting there. You can drive to the border crossing and park safely in the park's border. From there it's just a short trail down to the Rio Grande where you have an option of ferry ride or ferry then ground transportation. Myself being sore of foot and parched of mouth opted for the combo package. By land or by sea I was going to have a cold Carta Blanca and a few shots of mescal.

    In old Mexico a ferry equaled a single row man in a John boat to get you across the river. Once on the other side your ground transportation was that of your very own burro for the day. I'm not much of an equestrian, but the burros were user friendly and knew only how to walk to the bar no more than a 1/4 mile away. Once you arrive on the narrow dirt road and tie your burros off you're greeted to a lime green adobe building with two pool tables and a bar. It was years ago, but I remember beer or a shot were only $1.00 and you had a choice of Carta Blanca, Dos XX, Tecate, or Bohemia. Myself being a laboring man with a crisp $20 bill in hand decide it would be good to try one of each and so on and so forth.

    As if the old world charm, the abundant spirits , and the convenient parking wasn't enough to sway us, we got into a pickup pool game with 4 college girls on Spring Break from the UP in Michigan. They were kindly plump girls and after gladly accepting free beer, taking our $, and inviting us for a dip in the hot springs that night they pointed us toward Joe Falcons taqueria across the street/road. There we lounged on the porch and enjoyed cabrito tacos with a grapefruit Jarrito (type of Mexican soft drink) and gawked and the absurd beauty of the Maderas del Carmen mountains around us. Life was good.

    Around 7:00 that evening they gave the last call for burro and said we needed to ride our burros back to the river crossing and return them. I think something must have been wrong with my burro because he kept swaying back and forth, had blurred vision, and an awful taste in his mouth. At any rate he flat out dropped me on the road twice on our return and lost my respect.

    I went back several times after that and even employed a a local guide to take us in the back country of the Maderas del Carmen and Sierra del Carmen mountains backpacking. In Mexican simplicity the guide asked me to bring him only a new Buck lock blade knife and feed him for a few days of services. Unfortunately after 9/11 the border crossing at Boquillas was closed for the next decade. They finally reopened that border crossing back up last year, which was great for the locals who depend on tourism. I haven't had a chance to get back since the opening, but have talked with a few friends who say it hasn't changed at all.
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  9. BigStar

    BigStar Stop chasing Zone Supporter

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    Cool read bro!
  10. WV Cowboy

    WV Cowboy Waitin' on the 6th

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    My older brother spent one summer while he was in college working/bouncer in a dive bar in Atlantic City. This was 1972.
    My sister and I went up around Labor Day, and spent 3 days with him.

    The main bouncer was a huge Indian with a messed up face, .. old Joe.
    He always sat backwards on a stool at the front door with his arms folded on the back of the stool.
    I am the kind that talks to everybody so I tried to talk with him but didn't get much back. My brother said he is like that with everyone.
    Each time he would see me after that though, he would kind of smile a little and nod his head a wee bit. My brother said, "he must like you, he doesn't acknowledge many people."

    Anyway, one night, he had told these guys, who were being very loud and obnoxious, that they would have to stop playing pool at 1:00 because they shut down the pool room then.
    He told them a couple of times to finish their game and wrap it up. I'm thinking this is not going to end well.
    So he looks back there and they were setting up another rack after 1:00 to start another game.

    So old Joe goes back to tell them the pool room was closed. They smarted him off. He never changed his tone, voice or body language, .. just told them again they had to stop.
    Well one guy hauls off and punches old Joe right in the mouth. He never flinched.
    But it seemed like in about 5 seconds he had one guy on the ground with his hand on his throat, and another guy on the ground with his knee on his throat.
    Didn't get mad, never changed his demeanor, .. just told them to rack up the balls and that he was going to have to ask them to leave.

    Game was over, .. and they left. LOL
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  11. BigStar

    BigStar Stop chasing Zone Supporter

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    "Well one guy hauls off and punches old Joe right in the mouth. He never flinched."

    Good read WV. Been there a few times myself. Sux:D

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    Last edited: Mar 20, 2014
  12. jubal

    jubal Active Member

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    A buddy and I decided to leave the deer lease and go get a Long Star or two,the closest "town" was Mingus,Texas,Pop. about 100 during the week but on week-ends the cedar hackers and other fauna came out of the woods and the pop. went to a couple of thousand. One place was a family bar where all the kids and parents came to two-step and boot scootin boogie. The next one had sawdust on the floor to soak up the blood and overflow from the snuff dippers. They were checking weapons at the door to make sure everyone had one,those guys had blades on their hip that would put Jim Bowie to shame, so we moved on after a beer there.
    Seemed that we got to town early because when we were ready to go back to camp we couldn't find our truck among the jam in the town, People were pulling off the pavement thru the bar ditch and parking against the barbed wire fence all the way out of town and walking to their watering hole.
  13. Roadtrip635

    Roadtrip635 Well-Known Member

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    I had heard they were opening it back up, been really wanting to go. I have a bunch of friends that went there back in the day, but I didn't have the chance before it got shut down.
  14. FiveRings

    FiveRings Well-Known Member

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    Jon Taffer walks through the door?
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  15. JoeyBoy718

    JoeyBoy718 Well-Known Member

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    I love that show.
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  16. dreghorn2

    dreghorn2 Well-Known Member

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    Years ago, as a young man, i worked on an oil tanker that visited a small port in Venezuela.

    The old guys kept talking about how we have to go to this place called Happy Valley (turns out i think there is a Happy Valley in pretty much all ports), anyway we hail a cab from the crappy bar where we started the night and head out.

    The 'cab' is an old piece of crap and i am literally having to keep my feet in the air because the rear floorboard has a huge hole that i swear i could fall through.

    Ok time passes, and we leave the industrial part of the city, more time passes and we are driving on a dirt road through a shanty town, still more time passes and we are literally driving through the freaking desert with not a building in site, yours truly is not happy.

    Finally we crest a dune and there in the middle of nowhere is a circle of roofless stone buildings surrounding a non working 'fountain' if you can call it that, it was really a big concrete bowl with a manual pump, the only people visible are a half dozen or so of the roughest looking dudes you can imagine.

    The 'cab' leaves and now i am really not happy. I'm 18, average age of the crew members i was with had to be 50, there was one other young guy in the second cab that pulled up after we did, i didn't know him very well.

    Anyway, as everyone has figured out, the buildings were a series of houses of ill repute, in the middle of the damn desert.

    The funny part of the story follows.

    Once there you kind of get in the swing of things (i.e. drink a lot) and it's not so bad, i'm not a purchaser myself but the atmosphere in these types of places are an interesting study in human behavior believe me.

    The other young guy heads off with this girl to one of the 'rooms' that circle the outside walls of these buildings.. all of a sudden there is a huge commotion, the girl he was with comes running from the room screaming something in Spanish and runs towards the 'bar'.. holy crap!!.. very large and very mean looking men appear from everywhere, i thought we were going to die, i really did, it's about as as scared as i have ever been.

    Turns out the young guy had tried to take a picture of the girl and she was upset that she wasn't wearing a nice enough dress or something and she was adamant about changing before he photographed her, he didn't speak Spanish, the girl no English, hence the confusion, took about a half hour before i realized what was going on, not cool! I kept thinking i am literally in the middle of nowhere, in a foreign country, and nobody back home knows where i am.

    I sailed for about a 10 years and caught the transition from a lot of the old school sailor types to the new breed as technology and training changed the industry, i saw some crazy stuff through the years.

    TLDR; i go to a very bad bar in Venezuela and think i am going to die, i don't.
  17. casmith07

    casmith07 I'm the best poster in the game!

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    When you get offered cocaine.
  18. DallasCowpoke

    DallasCowpoke Fierce Allegiance

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    The canned beer is dispensed from galvanized washtubs behind the bar. The "solution" these cans are floating in, is equal parts ice and rock-salt. See, any bar along Hwy 90 between Lake Charles and Sulphur, LA.
  19. JoeyBoy718

    JoeyBoy718 Well-Known Member

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    I thought this was just gonna be dive bar jokes, but I'm enjoying reading everyone's stories.
  20. daschoo

    daschoo Slanje Va

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    I was at a greyhound meeting for a stag do a few years ago, went to the toilet in one of the bar areas and the amount of it left on the wee shelf above the cistern was ridiculous. You could honestly use your finger to write in it.

    Not really a dive bar story but a roof top restaurant I was having lunch at in India would only give me a beer with my food if I took it in a teapot and poured it into a mug because they didn't have a license.
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