Emergency: Teach me about football

[Signals]

This is pretty funny. This is an actual craigslist post but it has been flagged for removal so I can't give you a link. Here's the email link though.

[email protected]

Enjoy. :laugh1:

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I *desperately* need to learn about football between now and next week's Super Bowl game. Preferably from someone who was a quarterback in college or the pros, but at the very least someone who knows a lot about quarterbacks.

My girlfriend and I were just invited to a Super Bowl party at her ex-boyfriend's apartment, and to be honest, last time I met him he told me he played football in college and I responded that I did as well --which was a lie.

I don't know why I lied, I guess I just panicked and wanted to impress my girlfriend. Anyway. He asked me what position I played and I told him I played quarterback because that was really the only position I'd heard of.

I really don't know anything about football except for the fact that touchdowns how you score points and sometimes you kick the ball. I've been reading articles on ESPN.com and watching clips online but I don't think it's going to prepare me for questions about actually playing it, or for making good comments during the game. So I need someone who can *quickly* teach me about all of things I would have learned playing football as well as what to say about it.

This person MUST be available each day between now and the Super Bowl game (February 5, 2012), some time between 7-9pm on weekdays or afternoons on Saturday.

This is really important to me. I think my girlfriend still really likes her ex and when we first started dating she cheated on me a few times with him, so I really can't risk looking like an idiot in front of both of them.

Oh, also, her ex played "linebacker." Should I know a lot about playing "linebacker" too? Do quarterbacks normally know about that? I definitely will need to learn all the positions and what they do, but it might help for me to learn something from a "linebacker," if you know one.

Seriously, this is really important. My girlfriend and I are going through a bit of a rough patch now and she keeps threatening to move out. I'm afraid if I get caught lying about this our relationship is over.

I'm offering $500, but would be willing to go higher if you're an actual college or professional football quarterback, and would pay extra if you knew a linebacker you could bring along to teach me about his position.

And if you would be willing to text me good comments to say during the game, I'd to pay you an extra $100 for that. Maybe more if they're good comments.

Please contact me IMMEDIATELY via email if interested.



it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



PostingID: 2819375663

 

[5Stars]

Romo wrote that before he got married...!

Keep up, OK?



(stupid cowboy fans)

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

Sounds like a scene from a romantic comedy or something. I wonder if he eventually drops that girl friend for the girl at the office who has secretly been pining for him.

 

[SkinsandTerps]

If he was a college QB, he knew he wasn't after the first time he met him. She knew also.
It is not like you can't research this type of stuff these days about who played where in college.

Problem number one...(among many)...why are you going to a superbowl party at your girlfriend's exes house ? Pitiful all around.

He might as well let her go now and save himself the call out next weekend. He is not going to learn all he needs to in one week, and certainly won't understand it all if he never even understood the game.

 

[5Stars]

If he was a college QB, he knew he wasn't after the first time he met him. She knew also.
It is not like you can't research this type of stuff these days about who played where in college.

Problem number one...(among many)...why are you going to a superbowl party at your girlfriend's exes house ? Pitiful all around.

He might as well let her go now and save himself the call out next weekend. He is not going to learn all he needs to in one week, and certainly won't understand it all if he never even understood the game.

:laugh2:

Spoken like a true Commander fan...

 

[ScipioCowboy]

Sounds like a scene from a romantic comedy or something. I wonder if he eventually drops that girl friend for the girl at the office who has secretly been pining for him.

You mean the nerdy girl?

We know she's nerdy because she wears thick glasses and she's socially awkward. Of course, she's socially awkward in an adorable way (i.e. she trips and falls down a lot, gets locked in copy rooms, and/or frequently finds herself in compromising and sexually suggestive situations that are not her fault) rather than a geniunely awkward way that might make people feel uncomfortable (such as uncontrollable flatulence, seizures, tourette's, missing limbs, strange growths, etc.).

At the end of the film, she'll remove her glasses to reveal that she's been secretly hot all this time, even hotter than the original recipient of the main character's affections.

 

[SkinsandTerps]

:laugh2:

Spoken like a true Commander fan...

Yet you have been here for years with all this knowledge surrounding you ... you still don't get it ? You remind me of your brother from Germantown, MD.

Spoken like the Cowboy fan that the smart ones shake their head about and deny. "I don't know that guy...".

Or are you perhaps suggesting that Commanders fans are smarter ?

Probably, knowing your posting habits.

 

[WoodysGirl]

Sounds like a scene from a romantic comedy or something. I wonder if he eventually drops that girl friend for the girl at the office who has secretly been pining for him.

You mean the nerdy girl?

We know she's nerdy because she wears thick glasses and she's socially awkward. Of course, she's socially awkward in an adorable way (i.e. she trips and falls down a lot, gets locked in copy rooms, and/or frequently finds herself in compromising and sexually suggestive situations that are not her fault) rather than a geniunely awkward way that might make people feel uncomfortable (such as uncontrollable flatulence, seizures, tourette's, missing limbs, strange growths, etc.).

At the end of the film, she'll remove her glasses to reveal that she's been secretly hot all this time, even hotter than the original recipient of the main character's affections.

Stop stealing my story ideas!

 

[notherbob]

What college did this guy go to where he played QB on offense and LB on defense? Sounds kinda unlikely in itself.

Is anybody in this story for real?

 

[WV Cowboy]

He should fake an injury, .. regret that he can't make it, and save face.

He may even get some sympathy sex.

:laugh2:

He will never be able to pull this off.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

If you read it aloud with sincerity, after you're at the end you will bust out with hysterical laughter.

 

[hairic]

Ignoring that it's likely a joke post, if he has vacation/sick time and enough capital saved, he could fake it a little but. 18 hour days immersed in any subject for a full week is enough to learn quite a bit. The issue is other responsibilities and people infringing on cramming time.

Acquire lots of coaching DVDs, books, magazines, games, clinic notes, etc. and just cycle through them all day long. Just one day of that and you should know more than most, though you might not understand the 'why' of what you know without guidance.

And when asked about being a college QB, be sure to mention it was intramural or flag football...

 

[Nomad]

(If this is real) The way he will mess up is by trying to talk about it too much, he could make a few casual comments about "coach" and "this one game" and keep his mouth shut and play it off. And read wikipedia or a "football for dummies" book.

I mean it sounds like he knows nothing at all, which brings me to a small pet peeve. People should have a general basic knowledge about popular things even if they don't like them, things like movies, sports, tv, politics, current events etc.. You put yourself at a disadvantage if you have no idea what people are talking about.

And there are some things that are impossible to miss even if you aren't paying attention. It's like how I know the basic premise to dozens of TV shows that I have never watched, just from the commercials and people talking about it.

 

[rkell87]

What college did this guy go to where he played QB on offense and LB on defense? Sounds kinda unlikely in itself.

Is anybody in this story for real?

reading comprehension escaped you this time

 

[notherbob]

reading comprehension escaped you this time

Maybe so but it seems to me that the OP said his GF's ex played QB in college and in another place said his GF's ex also played linebacker. I don't know of very many college teams these days where someone plays both sides of the ball so I'm wondering if the GF's ex is putting somebody on also.

Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we first start to deceive.

 

[WV Cowboy]

Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we first start to deceive.

This.

Good heavens, just tell the truth, .. and live so that telling the truth is easy.

 

[TheCowboy]

For $500 I'll teach him!

 

[rkell87]

Maybe so but it seems to me that the OP said his GF's ex played QB in college and in another place said his GF's ex also played linebacker. I don't know of very many college teams these days where someone plays both sides of the ball so I'm wondering if the GF's ex is putting somebody on also.

Oh, what tangled webs we weave when we first start to deceive.

no, he clearly says that he told his GFs ex that he played QB in college because that is the only position he had really heard of, then he finds out that the GFs ex played linebacker and asks if he, having "been a QB", should know about the linebacker position. we obviously know that he needs to know about every defensive position because as a QB he needs to read the D.