Reverend Conehead
Well-Known Member
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It’s good to be back. I was held captive in two different prisons.
Man, it’s good to be back on the planet Earth. I had forgotten how beautiful this big, blue marble is. Being held captive in prison really sucks, especially when it’s on a lizard-people planet. This all started when I fell insanely in love with a woman named Yoyo Jugsga-Kimea, sister of Jojo Bugsga-Kimea, the ruthless dictator of the Republic of Commia, who has the terrible habit of having anyone who disagrees with him executed by catapult. But I was madly in love with her, despite her terrible brother. The burning secret I was keeping from you guys was the fact that I was to be married to YJK. You see, I was slated by the illuminati to be appointed King of the United States, and our marriage was supposed to reduce the tensions between our two countries, preventing World War III. Yes, they had been reading my writings here on CZ, saw value in my wisdom, and so they said, “He’s our man.” I was to be King, have a hot, Asian wife, and a killer baseball cards collection -- and that would have been really cool.
Whelp, thing’s didn’t turn out so great. I was sent on my first diplomatic mission to Commia for a big big banquet in celebration of our engagement when they offered me their country’s most cherished delicacy: goat eyeball stew. As I lifted the first spoonful of it toward my mouth, I was overcome with dread. It was like that eyeball on my spoon was looking up at me, and I freaked out. I couldn’t bring myself to eat it, nor could I hide my disgust. So Jojo Bugsga Kimea was extremely insulted and had me arrested and thrown into their dungeon. I was sure I would soon be flying out of a catapult and going splat onto some desert rocks, but that didn’t happen. He couldn’t bring himself to kill the man his sister was in love with.
I simply rotted in that prison day after day, and the only thing I had to eat was this goopy brown stuff that looked like dog poop and didn’t taste much better, and I eventually would have accepted that eyeball stew, had it been offered. However, Yoyo kept my spirits up. She started visiting me in my cell almost every day. She secretly had Chipotle burritos airlifted from America, and then she smuggled them into my cell. She didn’t realize it, but that was exactly what I needed for my escape. They tasted wonderful, and helped me keep my strength up, but the most important part was their aluminum foil wrappers. I made a couple of them into a tinfoil hat.
It’s widely known that a hat like that can block telepathic signals from space aliens, sorcerers, and evil women like Amber Heard. However, what’s not widely known is that if you make a tiny hole in the top of your tinfoil hat, it amplifies the telepathic signals that come from your brain. So I was concentrating my signals to VaqueroTD here on CZ to come and rescue me. I concentrated so hard that that I was afraid that I might short-circuit my brain and become a moron.
Whelp, my telepathic signals were going out all right, but they were being intercepted by space aliens from the planet Tralfagore who are lizard people who can shape-shift into human form and have been living here on the Earth undercover for decades, spying on us. They beamed me out of that prison cell and onto their spaceship. At first, I was elated because I thought they had liberated me, and the form all 8 crew members had taken were of sexy red-headed women. (I have a thing for red-heads.) Their leader looked like Naomi Brockwell, whom I’ve had a crush on for ages. But, no, they took me to Tralfagore to meet their leader, who turned out to be none other than Amber Heard!
That evil wench! She’s turned out to be more despicable than even I had realized. She’s the Queen of the Lizard People. So they threw me into their prison. Here I had been slated to become the King of the greatest nation on God’s green Earth, and I kept getting thrown into prison. The Tralfagorian’s prison looked luxurious compared to the one in Commia. The walls were covered in purple velvet, and the bed was so soft I felt like I was floating. However, it turned out to be worse. The wall would open up, and this clanking robot would come out every hour and shove these stainless steel tubes up my nose and shock me. Then this metal cap would be shoved on my head and it stung like a thousand hornets. I didn’t know then, but it was reading my mind. They learned that I’m a big Ace Frehley fan, and so they started blasting the Kiss song “Shock Me” every time the robot came out of the walls to do that very thing. It was awful. I suffered so much day after day, and I missed you guys here on CZ.
Unknown to me at the time, Johnny Depp had been monitoring my transmissions from my tinfoil hat in the Commia prison, and had traced my location after that. VaqueroTD had alerted him on a Twitch channel. It took him a while to get to me because he wasn’t done building his spaceship, but, soon as it was done, he came to my rescue. He invented a secret weapon that turns red hair into sharp spikes that then jam into the person’s face. So while all those lizards, in ginger form, were screaming, Johnny got me outa there.
Now I’m back here on Earth in a secret location where neither the Commians nor Amber Heard can find me. This time, my tinfoil hat has no hole in it, thus blocking all possible signals. Yoyo has requested asylum here in America and is with me, but now we’re worried that her brother will be so mad that he’ll do something truly awful, like starting a war. He’s done terrible things. As I said, he’s executed people by catapult. He’s also tortured people with chainsaws, wasps, and flame throwers, but the truly unspeakable crime he’s committed against humanity is forcing people to listen to James Blunt music. I’m terrified of recapture for that reason. I shudder thinking about it. He’s also a 49er fan. Truly evil and disgusting! Anyway, it’s good to be back.
Man, it’s good to be back on the planet Earth. I had forgotten how beautiful this big, blue marble is. Being held captive in prison really sucks, especially when it’s on a lizard-people planet. This all started when I fell insanely in love with a woman named Yoyo Jugsga-Kimea, sister of Jojo Bugsga-Kimea, the ruthless dictator of the Republic of Commia, who has the terrible habit of having anyone who disagrees with him executed by catapult. But I was madly in love with her, despite her terrible brother. The burning secret I was keeping from you guys was the fact that I was to be married to YJK. You see, I was slated by the illuminati to be appointed King of the United States, and our marriage was supposed to reduce the tensions between our two countries, preventing World War III. Yes, they had been reading my writings here on CZ, saw value in my wisdom, and so they said, “He’s our man.” I was to be King, have a hot, Asian wife, and a killer baseball cards collection -- and that would have been really cool.
Whelp, thing’s didn’t turn out so great. I was sent on my first diplomatic mission to Commia for a big big banquet in celebration of our engagement when they offered me their country’s most cherished delicacy: goat eyeball stew. As I lifted the first spoonful of it toward my mouth, I was overcome with dread. It was like that eyeball on my spoon was looking up at me, and I freaked out. I couldn’t bring myself to eat it, nor could I hide my disgust. So Jojo Bugsga Kimea was extremely insulted and had me arrested and thrown into their dungeon. I was sure I would soon be flying out of a catapult and going splat onto some desert rocks, but that didn’t happen. He couldn’t bring himself to kill the man his sister was in love with.
I simply rotted in that prison day after day, and the only thing I had to eat was this goopy brown stuff that looked like dog poop and didn’t taste much better, and I eventually would have accepted that eyeball stew, had it been offered. However, Yoyo kept my spirits up. She started visiting me in my cell almost every day. She secretly had Chipotle burritos airlifted from America, and then she smuggled them into my cell. She didn’t realize it, but that was exactly what I needed for my escape. They tasted wonderful, and helped me keep my strength up, but the most important part was their aluminum foil wrappers. I made a couple of them into a tinfoil hat.
It’s widely known that a hat like that can block telepathic signals from space aliens, sorcerers, and evil women like Amber Heard. However, what’s not widely known is that if you make a tiny hole in the top of your tinfoil hat, it amplifies the telepathic signals that come from your brain. So I was concentrating my signals to VaqueroTD here on CZ to come and rescue me. I concentrated so hard that that I was afraid that I might short-circuit my brain and become a moron.
Whelp, my telepathic signals were going out all right, but they were being intercepted by space aliens from the planet Tralfagore who are lizard people who can shape-shift into human form and have been living here on the Earth undercover for decades, spying on us. They beamed me out of that prison cell and onto their spaceship. At first, I was elated because I thought they had liberated me, and the form all 8 crew members had taken were of sexy red-headed women. (I have a thing for red-heads.) Their leader looked like Naomi Brockwell, whom I’ve had a crush on for ages. But, no, they took me to Tralfagore to meet their leader, who turned out to be none other than Amber Heard!
That evil wench! She’s turned out to be more despicable than even I had realized. She’s the Queen of the Lizard People. So they threw me into their prison. Here I had been slated to become the King of the greatest nation on God’s green Earth, and I kept getting thrown into prison. The Tralfagorian’s prison looked luxurious compared to the one in Commia. The walls were covered in purple velvet, and the bed was so soft I felt like I was floating. However, it turned out to be worse. The wall would open up, and this clanking robot would come out every hour and shove these stainless steel tubes up my nose and shock me. Then this metal cap would be shoved on my head and it stung like a thousand hornets. I didn’t know then, but it was reading my mind. They learned that I’m a big Ace Frehley fan, and so they started blasting the Kiss song “Shock Me” every time the robot came out of the walls to do that very thing. It was awful. I suffered so much day after day, and I missed you guys here on CZ.
Unknown to me at the time, Johnny Depp had been monitoring my transmissions from my tinfoil hat in the Commia prison, and had traced my location after that. VaqueroTD had alerted him on a Twitch channel. It took him a while to get to me because he wasn’t done building his spaceship, but, soon as it was done, he came to my rescue. He invented a secret weapon that turns red hair into sharp spikes that then jam into the person’s face. So while all those lizards, in ginger form, were screaming, Johnny got me outa there.
Now I’m back here on Earth in a secret location where neither the Commians nor Amber Heard can find me. This time, my tinfoil hat has no hole in it, thus blocking all possible signals. Yoyo has requested asylum here in America and is with me, but now we’re worried that her brother will be so mad that he’ll do something truly awful, like starting a war. He’s done terrible things. As I said, he’s executed people by catapult. He’s also tortured people with chainsaws, wasps, and flame throwers, but the truly unspeakable crime he’s committed against humanity is forcing people to listen to James Blunt music. I’m terrified of recapture for that reason. I shudder thinking about it. He’s also a 49er fan. Truly evil and disgusting! Anyway, it’s good to be back.