InPhiltraitor
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Approximately one hour before their round one pick, the first obstacle befell the Cowboys war room as the player most closely associated with bland white rice, future seven-time Probowl TE Michael Mayer, is selected by a competing organization. Quinn, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, pounces on the opportunity to surreptitiously sway the first pick to the defensive side of the ball. Dan faces the Jones duo and slowly holds up three fingers with his right hand and then deliberately positions three fingers of his left in a downward manner adjacent to his right hand. Jerry immediately interprets this as a threat and turns a ghoulish ashen shade as he believes DQ is about to spill the beans on him and his dealings with the lovely Vegas blackjack dealer, Wendy Marlow. Stephen, now fully invested in Quinn’s untimely game of draft charades, interjects proudly proclaiming that he has the answer to Quinn’s impromptu miming. “Daddy, Dan wants us to draft Will McDonald. It’s a WM, Daddy.” As the rosiness returns to the cheeks of Double-J, his ire toward Quinn has reached a point of no return and he’s set to respond with a war-daddy whammy of his own. Jerry collects himself and stands wielding what appears to be a Fisher-Price yellow hammer and proceeds to authoritatively strike the war room table with his plastic gavel while glaring at Quinn in a scolding manner. With every intent to verbally backhand the defensive coordinator, Jerry slowly utters the name of the Dallas Cowboys first selection of the 2023 draft. “Jahmyr Gibbs.”
As day two gets underway, Mike McCarthy enters the war room energized from his day one offensive coup but is still somewhat bewildered by Stephen’s de-entanglement of Dan Quinn’s cryptic white guy gang symbols and Jerry’s apparent short-term heart arrythmia. He believes another offensive victory is in the offering. But, as things typically do in drafts, there’s a run. Apparently, teams are feeling the need for speed and receivers are flying off the board well ahead of their projected rankings. Quinn takes comfort in witnessing this, but his joy is short-lived as the DB reserves are dovetailing right after the receivers. Utilizing more finesse than he employed during the day one debacle, Dan catches the eye of The Boss and politely, and with quiet voice says to JJ, “You know Gilmore is a rental and my senses are telling me the Ole’ Diggs contract is going to be a bear.” Jerry nods in agreement and it’s understood by all who are present that DQ is once again Number One Son. Jerry says, “Make the call.” And with that, the Dallas Cowboys select Darrius Rush.
Between round two and three the war room inhabitants are provided a snack consisting of coconut shrimp and Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies. It’s Stephen’s favorite and he’s coined the combo. Surf & Hurt given the meals propensity to send partakers to the restroom with lower abdominal pain and burning flatulence. As snack time is concluding, Mike leans toward DQ, with a shrimp tail stuck between his teeth, and whispers, “You just sit there and watch this steel town terror unleash offensive hell on this pick.” In kind, Dan mirrors Mike’s lean and says, “This is your last year of keeping my chair warm, Fat Boy.” And with that, round three is underway.
A mighty struggle was about to ensue given that nary a fat guy was yet selected on either side of the ball. Mike pleaded his case by taking the tactical approach of using a Forest Green crayon that he brandished from the welted chest pocket of his snuggly fitting blazer, to draw X’s and O’s on an 8.5” x 11” sheet of graph paper to demonstrate what his team could accomplish provided he was afforded above average o-line personnel. Quinn, playing the part of the no-nonsense desert fox, countered with five words. “Quinton Bohanna and Neville Gallimore.” MM sensed that DQ’s counter move, albeit very brief and void of imagination, was extremely powerful. To thwart Dan’s momentum Mike knew playing dirty was his only alternative. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of lint, M&M’s, and a coin that only he knew was stamped with heads on both sides. Mike daringly starred at Quinn and said, “Heads my guy is pick three, and you get pick four.” Not being one to turn down a challenge, particularly from the man he’s set to replace, Dan replies “You flip it, and we’ll stick to it, Tons of Fun.” This story will forever be entombed in the war room and be remembered as the Battle of the Bulge as picks three and four weighed in at a whopping total of 630 lbs. Respectively, Pick 3 is Chandler Zavala with Pick 4 the following day being Jaqueline Roy as the Cowboys miss out on their target – Zacch Pickens.
Another interested party joins the Dream Team as coach Fassel’s voice is heard beating the drum for a kicker and once Moody goes off the board in the 5th, he starts growing more impatient by the minute. The problem is Dak has been told that an infusion of future talent is inbound to “encourage” the likes of the awareness lacking, Jalen Tolbert, and the underwhelming, Semi Fehoko. Will McClay has been a sounding board and observer of the mental gymnastics being performed by McCarthy and Quinn to this point, but now he feels it’s time to come to the forefront and toss a name into the ring.
“Guys, I want to propose the kid from Princeton as the…”
“Princeton, Daddy call Jason and ask him about the Princeton kid.”
“Good idea son.” Jerry calls Jason Garrett from the war room hotline. “Jason, this is Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys. How you doin’, son?”
“Doing well, each day getting better and trying to do things well. When you do things well you improve, and…” Click. The dumbfounded Jones’ sat motionless staring at Will McClay with mouths agape as Will’s finger is resting on the ‘Call End’ button.
McClay gazes back at the Jones’ with utter contempt and a smattering of pity. “What is wrong with the two of you? Here’s the book on the kid.”
6’3”, 205 lbs., had 924 yds. receiving in 2022, 66 receptions, 14.4 yd. average
Testing #s – 4.43 in the forty, 85th % (percentile) on the bench press, 77th % for the shuttle, 88th % for the vert., 70th % for the 3-Cone, 80th % for the ten-yard split, and 89th % in the broad jump. Numbers are consistently great.
Named a 2022 NCAA All-American in the heptathlon. Holds an NCAA Indoor Championships for the 60-meter run at 6.71 seconds. For perspective, the world record is 6.34 and Tyreek Hill’s fastest is 6.70. Was highly thought of at the Senior Bowl prompting comments such as, “On his out-breaking routes, Iosivas displays an innate ability to break his routes without losing any speed, making him a matchup nightmare for corners throughout their entire phase.”
Tell the incumbents they have this year to get things figured out. The Cowboys are selecting Andrei Iosivas in the 5th round.
The 6th round is simple since the Cowboys are scared to death of a future with Brett Maher and by now Fassel’s intense badgering has Jerry Jr. balled-up in the fetal position, sobbing, and muttering over and over, “Make Judge Doom go away”. As Jerral Wayne Jones, Sr. tells it, Judge Doom was from a late 80’s movie about Roger Rabbit and the villain (Judge Doom) triggers a response in the fragile Jones Jr. Anyway, as we get closer to wrapping this thing up, the 6th pick in the draft is the Maryland kicker, Chad Ryland.
In the final round most teams target traits or consider adding special teams personnel but this year in Dallas control over the final draft selection was to be based on boot-licking but seeing how most of the decision makers vacated the premises, Big Mike would have his say and say a lot he did.
“Jerry, last year my *** was hung out to dry by your overpaid, uniform identity crisis having, sad sack of a QB. Since we got Rush back under roof, I’d like to bring in a developmental guy that had more college passing TD’s than anyone that’s ever played the college game. In ’21 he threw for over 5,000 yards and has a career yardage total that exceeds 12,000. Jerry, our next draft selection is going to be Tyson Bagent.”
The 80-year-old Jones now looking spry and filled to the brim with piss and vinegar retorted, “No. The boot-licking thing is out the window, and Quinn’s absence this afternoon makes the contest null and void, particularly since you wouldn’t do the ‘fat guy in a little coat’ routine for Jerry Jr. when he was feeling the effects of too much Fassel exposure!”
In one fell swoop the final draft selection went from Touchdown Jesus being jettisoned in favor of young Tyson Bagent to the Cowboys drafting a 6’6” team captain from Ole Miss who ran the 40 in 4.66 seconds and compiled 8 TFL’s, 7 sacks, and 5 forced fumbles in his senior campaign. The selection is the very raw but talented Tavious Robinson.
Thus concludes the draft. Those remaining are as giddy as a carload of schoolgirls after a drive-thru Starbucks visit. Off-center high-five hand thuds and misaligned fist bumps all around. See ya next year when we come together to make the 24th selection in the 2024 NFL Draft.
As day two gets underway, Mike McCarthy enters the war room energized from his day one offensive coup but is still somewhat bewildered by Stephen’s de-entanglement of Dan Quinn’s cryptic white guy gang symbols and Jerry’s apparent short-term heart arrythmia. He believes another offensive victory is in the offering. But, as things typically do in drafts, there’s a run. Apparently, teams are feeling the need for speed and receivers are flying off the board well ahead of their projected rankings. Quinn takes comfort in witnessing this, but his joy is short-lived as the DB reserves are dovetailing right after the receivers. Utilizing more finesse than he employed during the day one debacle, Dan catches the eye of The Boss and politely, and with quiet voice says to JJ, “You know Gilmore is a rental and my senses are telling me the Ole’ Diggs contract is going to be a bear.” Jerry nods in agreement and it’s understood by all who are present that DQ is once again Number One Son. Jerry says, “Make the call.” And with that, the Dallas Cowboys select Darrius Rush.
Between round two and three the war room inhabitants are provided a snack consisting of coconut shrimp and Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies. It’s Stephen’s favorite and he’s coined the combo. Surf & Hurt given the meals propensity to send partakers to the restroom with lower abdominal pain and burning flatulence. As snack time is concluding, Mike leans toward DQ, with a shrimp tail stuck between his teeth, and whispers, “You just sit there and watch this steel town terror unleash offensive hell on this pick.” In kind, Dan mirrors Mike’s lean and says, “This is your last year of keeping my chair warm, Fat Boy.” And with that, round three is underway.
A mighty struggle was about to ensue given that nary a fat guy was yet selected on either side of the ball. Mike pleaded his case by taking the tactical approach of using a Forest Green crayon that he brandished from the welted chest pocket of his snuggly fitting blazer, to draw X’s and O’s on an 8.5” x 11” sheet of graph paper to demonstrate what his team could accomplish provided he was afforded above average o-line personnel. Quinn, playing the part of the no-nonsense desert fox, countered with five words. “Quinton Bohanna and Neville Gallimore.” MM sensed that DQ’s counter move, albeit very brief and void of imagination, was extremely powerful. To thwart Dan’s momentum Mike knew playing dirty was his only alternative. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of lint, M&M’s, and a coin that only he knew was stamped with heads on both sides. Mike daringly starred at Quinn and said, “Heads my guy is pick three, and you get pick four.” Not being one to turn down a challenge, particularly from the man he’s set to replace, Dan replies “You flip it, and we’ll stick to it, Tons of Fun.” This story will forever be entombed in the war room and be remembered as the Battle of the Bulge as picks three and four weighed in at a whopping total of 630 lbs. Respectively, Pick 3 is Chandler Zavala with Pick 4 the following day being Jaqueline Roy as the Cowboys miss out on their target – Zacch Pickens.
Another interested party joins the Dream Team as coach Fassel’s voice is heard beating the drum for a kicker and once Moody goes off the board in the 5th, he starts growing more impatient by the minute. The problem is Dak has been told that an infusion of future talent is inbound to “encourage” the likes of the awareness lacking, Jalen Tolbert, and the underwhelming, Semi Fehoko. Will McClay has been a sounding board and observer of the mental gymnastics being performed by McCarthy and Quinn to this point, but now he feels it’s time to come to the forefront and toss a name into the ring.
“Guys, I want to propose the kid from Princeton as the…”
“Princeton, Daddy call Jason and ask him about the Princeton kid.”
“Good idea son.” Jerry calls Jason Garrett from the war room hotline. “Jason, this is Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys. How you doin’, son?”
“Doing well, each day getting better and trying to do things well. When you do things well you improve, and…” Click. The dumbfounded Jones’ sat motionless staring at Will McClay with mouths agape as Will’s finger is resting on the ‘Call End’ button.
McClay gazes back at the Jones’ with utter contempt and a smattering of pity. “What is wrong with the two of you? Here’s the book on the kid.”
6’3”, 205 lbs., had 924 yds. receiving in 2022, 66 receptions, 14.4 yd. average
Testing #s – 4.43 in the forty, 85th % (percentile) on the bench press, 77th % for the shuttle, 88th % for the vert., 70th % for the 3-Cone, 80th % for the ten-yard split, and 89th % in the broad jump. Numbers are consistently great.
Named a 2022 NCAA All-American in the heptathlon. Holds an NCAA Indoor Championships for the 60-meter run at 6.71 seconds. For perspective, the world record is 6.34 and Tyreek Hill’s fastest is 6.70. Was highly thought of at the Senior Bowl prompting comments such as, “On his out-breaking routes, Iosivas displays an innate ability to break his routes without losing any speed, making him a matchup nightmare for corners throughout their entire phase.”
Tell the incumbents they have this year to get things figured out. The Cowboys are selecting Andrei Iosivas in the 5th round.
The 6th round is simple since the Cowboys are scared to death of a future with Brett Maher and by now Fassel’s intense badgering has Jerry Jr. balled-up in the fetal position, sobbing, and muttering over and over, “Make Judge Doom go away”. As Jerral Wayne Jones, Sr. tells it, Judge Doom was from a late 80’s movie about Roger Rabbit and the villain (Judge Doom) triggers a response in the fragile Jones Jr. Anyway, as we get closer to wrapping this thing up, the 6th pick in the draft is the Maryland kicker, Chad Ryland.
In the final round most teams target traits or consider adding special teams personnel but this year in Dallas control over the final draft selection was to be based on boot-licking but seeing how most of the decision makers vacated the premises, Big Mike would have his say and say a lot he did.
“Jerry, last year my *** was hung out to dry by your overpaid, uniform identity crisis having, sad sack of a QB. Since we got Rush back under roof, I’d like to bring in a developmental guy that had more college passing TD’s than anyone that’s ever played the college game. In ’21 he threw for over 5,000 yards and has a career yardage total that exceeds 12,000. Jerry, our next draft selection is going to be Tyson Bagent.”
The 80-year-old Jones now looking spry and filled to the brim with piss and vinegar retorted, “No. The boot-licking thing is out the window, and Quinn’s absence this afternoon makes the contest null and void, particularly since you wouldn’t do the ‘fat guy in a little coat’ routine for Jerry Jr. when he was feeling the effects of too much Fassel exposure!”
In one fell swoop the final draft selection went from Touchdown Jesus being jettisoned in favor of young Tyson Bagent to the Cowboys drafting a 6’6” team captain from Ole Miss who ran the 40 in 4.66 seconds and compiled 8 TFL’s, 7 sacks, and 5 forced fumbles in his senior campaign. The selection is the very raw but talented Tavious Robinson.
Thus concludes the draft. Those remaining are as giddy as a carload of schoolgirls after a drive-thru Starbucks visit. Off-center high-five hand thuds and misaligned fist bumps all around. See ya next year when we come together to make the 24th selection in the 2024 NFL Draft.
