Reverend Conehead
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 9,953
- Reaction score
- 11,862
For years I've done amateur archaeology just because I get bored and have nothing better to do then go digging around in the mud. Recently on a trip to Moolap, Victoria, Australia, I did that. When my friends and family wanted to go to one of their beautiful beaches, I went to one of their Lowes-like stores and bought a bunch of tools and started digging. I was determined to make a great discovery for mankind while my friends and family were off wasting time snorkeling at a beach.
What I discovered was fascinating. I uncovered a hitherto unknown species of human, one that I call Moolap Oongunboomgun Man, and one which I believe lived alongside homo sapiens and neanderthals during the Plesogoonieblubstine era. I've named him after the town in Australia where I found him and the fact that this species of human I believe had the ability to craft simple firearms, long before has ever been believed possible. I found evidence that he crafted a simple muzzle-loading pistol that in his primitive language he called a “one gun” and another cannon-sized single shot gun that he called a “boom gun.” Hence, Moolap Oongunbumgun Man is the perfect name.
With this technological advantage, it's a mystery why Moolap OGBG didn't wipe out all of the sapiens and neanderthals, but I have a hypothesis as to why. First, he was a very peace loving type of human. He actually had two brains! He had one super complex one that was three times the size of a modern human brain, and that made his head way oversized compared to his body and shaped like a butt on the back of it. Then right at the base of his skull, he had his puny basic brain, his lizard brain if you will, that took care of only very basic urges.
He had super human strength and could throw a spear the length of ten football fields. With his super big brain, he's thought to have been very philosophical and wrote poetry and plays more complex than Shakespeare, but unfortunately, all his work has been lost. The trouble is, while he was a super genius with modern forward-thinking, he could only use one brain at a time. If he ever got angry, his tiny lizard brain would take over and he would get super vicious, cruel, and violent. He was known to grab an opponent by the nape of the neck and smash his face into a rocky cliff over and over, throw him to the ground, jump up and down on him, grab him by the feet and swing him back and forth, slamming him on the ground on each size one by one, and then throw him off the cliff. Then when his big brain would take over, he would see what he had done and experience massive regret. He would fall to the earth and sob and get super philosophical about it and refuse any solace while he would write a 100,000 word poem about the experience. Meanwhile, while he was caught up in all that, the homo sapiens and neanderthals would sneak into his village and steal all his stuff.
Another unique characteristic of Moolap Oongunbumgun Man was their reproduction. It was very different from other human species. The female had 9-minute pregnancies. The male would mate with the female with a lot of lizard-brain grunting and gasping, and then as soon as he was done, he would stand behind her and wait. Her belly would make a hissing sound while it inflated to full-pregnancy size in just 9 minutes. Then there would be a huge THUP sound while the infant was expelled from her and it would fly through the air and it would be the duty of the male to catch it. So, obviously, the reproductive anatomy was very different from modern humans to be able to accomplish that. And they had a big reproductive advantage over other humans, being able to accomplish the task so much more quickly.
It's somewhat of a surprise that Moolap Oongunbumgun Man did not survive into modern times with all the advantages it had over modern humans. My hypothesis is that, despite his superior intelligence and technology, he just spent too much time and energy lamenting his misfortune. It also proved to be a heavy burden that he switched so quickly between his great brain and his lizard one. He would be like, “Shall I compare thee to a midsummer's day …. WHAT? Ooga booga boola! KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!” And then afterward: “Waaaahhhh, oh what have I done? Sob, sob, sob.” He was just too hot and cold, and I think that led to his extinction.
I did this dig in Australia before the whole pandemic thing. I boxed up all the bones I had found along with all my research journals and FexExed them back to my address in the United States. However, little did I know, but none other than Amber Heard had been spying on me, and she intercepted my package. She's hidden all my work and is planning to take credit for the discovery, but I won't let her. My private detectives that I hired have located where she's hiding my find, and I'll soon have it back.
Soon I will present my findings to the Academy of Sciences, and it will revolutionize what we know about archaeology. But first things first. I know that it's super important to give a heads up to CZ before taking any such action. That way you'll be able to cheer for me what I get all my stuff back from Amber Heard. And I know you all understand just how evil she is. Once this pandemic is over, we'll all meet up for a Texas-style barbecue and celebrate the final defeat of Miss Evil, Amber Heard.
What I discovered was fascinating. I uncovered a hitherto unknown species of human, one that I call Moolap Oongunboomgun Man, and one which I believe lived alongside homo sapiens and neanderthals during the Plesogoonieblubstine era. I've named him after the town in Australia where I found him and the fact that this species of human I believe had the ability to craft simple firearms, long before has ever been believed possible. I found evidence that he crafted a simple muzzle-loading pistol that in his primitive language he called a “one gun” and another cannon-sized single shot gun that he called a “boom gun.” Hence, Moolap Oongunbumgun Man is the perfect name.
With this technological advantage, it's a mystery why Moolap OGBG didn't wipe out all of the sapiens and neanderthals, but I have a hypothesis as to why. First, he was a very peace loving type of human. He actually had two brains! He had one super complex one that was three times the size of a modern human brain, and that made his head way oversized compared to his body and shaped like a butt on the back of it. Then right at the base of his skull, he had his puny basic brain, his lizard brain if you will, that took care of only very basic urges.
He had super human strength and could throw a spear the length of ten football fields. With his super big brain, he's thought to have been very philosophical and wrote poetry and plays more complex than Shakespeare, but unfortunately, all his work has been lost. The trouble is, while he was a super genius with modern forward-thinking, he could only use one brain at a time. If he ever got angry, his tiny lizard brain would take over and he would get super vicious, cruel, and violent. He was known to grab an opponent by the nape of the neck and smash his face into a rocky cliff over and over, throw him to the ground, jump up and down on him, grab him by the feet and swing him back and forth, slamming him on the ground on each size one by one, and then throw him off the cliff. Then when his big brain would take over, he would see what he had done and experience massive regret. He would fall to the earth and sob and get super philosophical about it and refuse any solace while he would write a 100,000 word poem about the experience. Meanwhile, while he was caught up in all that, the homo sapiens and neanderthals would sneak into his village and steal all his stuff.
Another unique characteristic of Moolap Oongunbumgun Man was their reproduction. It was very different from other human species. The female had 9-minute pregnancies. The male would mate with the female with a lot of lizard-brain grunting and gasping, and then as soon as he was done, he would stand behind her and wait. Her belly would make a hissing sound while it inflated to full-pregnancy size in just 9 minutes. Then there would be a huge THUP sound while the infant was expelled from her and it would fly through the air and it would be the duty of the male to catch it. So, obviously, the reproductive anatomy was very different from modern humans to be able to accomplish that. And they had a big reproductive advantage over other humans, being able to accomplish the task so much more quickly.
It's somewhat of a surprise that Moolap Oongunbumgun Man did not survive into modern times with all the advantages it had over modern humans. My hypothesis is that, despite his superior intelligence and technology, he just spent too much time and energy lamenting his misfortune. It also proved to be a heavy burden that he switched so quickly between his great brain and his lizard one. He would be like, “Shall I compare thee to a midsummer's day …. WHAT? Ooga booga boola! KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!” And then afterward: “Waaaahhhh, oh what have I done? Sob, sob, sob.” He was just too hot and cold, and I think that led to his extinction.
I did this dig in Australia before the whole pandemic thing. I boxed up all the bones I had found along with all my research journals and FexExed them back to my address in the United States. However, little did I know, but none other than Amber Heard had been spying on me, and she intercepted my package. She's hidden all my work and is planning to take credit for the discovery, but I won't let her. My private detectives that I hired have located where she's hiding my find, and I'll soon have it back.
Soon I will present my findings to the Academy of Sciences, and it will revolutionize what we know about archaeology. But first things first. I know that it's super important to give a heads up to CZ before taking any such action. That way you'll be able to cheer for me what I get all my stuff back from Amber Heard. And I know you all understand just how evil she is. Once this pandemic is over, we'll all meet up for a Texas-style barbecue and celebrate the final defeat of Miss Evil, Amber Heard.
