Reverend Conehead
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(This is a little long -- sorry -- but I think it's worth your time.)
You live in Trottelstadt, Missouri, a town totally decimated by the meth epidemic. Everywhere there are carjackings, robberies, and murders done by junkies desperate for money to buy their next fix. There are all kinds of gang wars over meth distribution. There are often gunfights right in the street. Bulletproof vest sales are through the roof. Some meth-addicted kids at the local elementary school got into a war with one another in the lunchroom, throwing Molotov cocktails at one another, setting the whole place ablaze.
A local reporter covered the story as follows:
“This is Rob Abruti in Trottelstadt, Missouri, the capital of meth use in the country. Today we will be covering [PEW] … oh, he got me …. [falls over and dies].
Unknown to most people, there's a meth superlab in a secret complex underneath a warehouse. It's run by Billy-Bubba's Ozark Supergang, and it produces meth for about a quarter of the country.
One day, a smokin' hot Russian woman, Babs Zshibloobsky, goes into the warehouse. She's in a tight, shiny, low-cut blue dress, accentuating her hourglass figure, and stiletto heels. Every jaw drops at her presence. She says to the foreman in a sexy, sultry, breathy tone in her heavy Russian accent, “I hear zat ze bluebird drops poooopies on all of ze cars.” That's the code sentence that means the person has business in the meth lab, though it's not usually said with a Russian accent, and never by anyone so sexy.
So she's escorted 20 feet underground into the lab. Once there, she says to the dude who's obviously the boss, “Beee-leee-Bubba has seent me. I am ze new deee-stributor for you. I veel take ze latest 200 kilos to dee-liver.”
Mack, the lab boss, with a stern look on his face says, “I have to clear this with Billy-Bubba,” and he picks up the landline phone on the wall.
She presses herself up against him, and says in a breathy, flirty voice, “Oh, do not bother heem. He eez busy and eez in bad mood to-day. He trusts me, and you kin too. And maybe when done, I come back to spend time weef you, handsome man.”
Mack's eyes glaze over, and his stern face is replaced by a big, dopey, wide-eyed grin as he drops the phone. He slobbers a little while he talks. “Aahh … sthure, baby.”
While they prepare the 200 kilos for her, she notices a cute, pink bunny stuffed animal. She picks it up and says, “Oh, zis eez so cute!”
Mack answers, “Oh, that goofy thing. You can have it.”
So the workers load up Babs' van with the 200 kilos of meth and she drives away with that and her bunny rabbit.
About half an hour later, Billy-Bubba calls the lab. Mack answers the phone. Billy-Bubba says, “Listen, if a sexy Russian lady comes by to pick up the load, DON'T give her anything. She's from the Russian mafia and is planning to steal it from us. If she shows up, tie her up immediately and call me. I'm on my way there.”
Mack says, “Uh …. I already gave her the load.”
Before Billy-Bubba can protest, the entire place explodes. The whole lab and the whole warehouse go up in a huge mushroom cloud.
In the meantime, Babs has almost reached her destination in Independence, Missouri. She looks at the stuffed rabbit contemptuously and asks, “Vut eez zis stooopeed zing?” and throws it out the window.
Meanwhile, you're just finishing up your visit to the Harry S. Truman Presidential Library in Independence, Missouri. You're walking along looking for the Hazme Mordaza Mexican Restaurant when a van drives by and a pink rabbit stuffed animal comes flying out of it and lands at your feet. You pick it up and wonder why someone threw it out. But you think it's cute, so you take it with you.
When you get back to your hotel room, you turn on the news and learn about the exploded meth lab in Trottelstadt, your home town! They show a photo of Babs Zshibloobsky and say that she's a member of the Russian Mafia, and is a suspect in the bombing. They mention that police have been unable to locate a pink bunny rabbit stuffed animal that their operative had planted there for surveillance. They suspect it was destroyed in the explosion.
You're like, “Holy crap,” and you examine the bunny rabbit that you found. You find the hidden camera in it and its SD card. You plug the memory card into your laptop and watch the footage. It's a good quality video of Babs in the meth lab talking with the men there. You notice she enters with a purse, but leaves without it. You rewind the footage and watch again, this time noticing how she discretely hides her purse while they're not looking. The bomb must have been in that! You have proof that this Babs Zshibloobsky was indeed the bomber!
However, you're not sure what to do. You don't want to become the Russian Mafia's next target, so you go to the Greyhound station and you lock the stuffed animal in a locker there and return to your hotel room. You're scared and wish you had taken someone on the trip with you, but you're alone since no one else in your family was interested in the Truman Library.
That night there's a knock on your door. It's Babs Zshibloobsky. She's the most smokin' hot woman you've ever seen in your life. Not long after the introductions, she starts crying. “Oh, sir, I hev lost my most prized possession, my peeeenk bunny rabbit stuffed aneeeemal. Hev you seen eet?”
You shake your head “no,” and then she starts to look angry.
“I sink you hev eet,” she insists. You just stand there afraid. Then she switches tactics. She presses her gorgeous body against you and strokes your hair. “Oh, darling,” she says, “Just geev me ze bunny rabbit and then we weel eeen-joy a wonderful night togezzer. I weel do everyzzing zat you want.”
You just stand there staring, eyes wide open. She continues: “And my organization eez powerful. We weel pay you 100 million dollars in cash. Just geev me ze rabbit.”
You think of the people who were blown up in the bombing. They were all a bunch of meth-dealing dirtbags of the type who were destroying Trottelstadt, and also the lives of many others. They've made your life in Trottelstadt, and the life of everyone else, miserable. It's no big loss. You think that maybe Babs did your town and the world a favor by blowing them up.
So that's your moral dilemma. You can do any of the following:
1. Turn over the pink rabbit to the police that gets Babs convicted, and you probably get offed by the Russian mafia.
2. Turn over the evidence to the police under the condition that you are put into witness protection, so that you don't get offed
3. Give the pink rabbit back to Babs. Then you get to spend a night of passion with that gorgeous woman, and also get paid 100 million bucks, but you're helping a murderess go free.
4. Give the pink rabbit back to Babs, but decline the night of passion with her while still accepting the 100 million. Don't worry, she's not vindictive. She just wants the rabbit back, and will understand if you're married or whatever. You'll be rich, but you will have let a murderess go free.
What do you do?
The above is the straight man version. If you're a woman attracted to men, or if you're a man attracted to men, just substitute for Babs whomever you're insanely attracted to in Babs' role. If you're a woman attracted to other women, Babs is good with that.
You live in Trottelstadt, Missouri, a town totally decimated by the meth epidemic. Everywhere there are carjackings, robberies, and murders done by junkies desperate for money to buy their next fix. There are all kinds of gang wars over meth distribution. There are often gunfights right in the street. Bulletproof vest sales are through the roof. Some meth-addicted kids at the local elementary school got into a war with one another in the lunchroom, throwing Molotov cocktails at one another, setting the whole place ablaze.
A local reporter covered the story as follows:
“This is Rob Abruti in Trottelstadt, Missouri, the capital of meth use in the country. Today we will be covering [PEW] … oh, he got me …. [falls over and dies].
Unknown to most people, there's a meth superlab in a secret complex underneath a warehouse. It's run by Billy-Bubba's Ozark Supergang, and it produces meth for about a quarter of the country.
One day, a smokin' hot Russian woman, Babs Zshibloobsky, goes into the warehouse. She's in a tight, shiny, low-cut blue dress, accentuating her hourglass figure, and stiletto heels. Every jaw drops at her presence. She says to the foreman in a sexy, sultry, breathy tone in her heavy Russian accent, “I hear zat ze bluebird drops poooopies on all of ze cars.” That's the code sentence that means the person has business in the meth lab, though it's not usually said with a Russian accent, and never by anyone so sexy.
So she's escorted 20 feet underground into the lab. Once there, she says to the dude who's obviously the boss, “Beee-leee-Bubba has seent me. I am ze new deee-stributor for you. I veel take ze latest 200 kilos to dee-liver.”
Mack, the lab boss, with a stern look on his face says, “I have to clear this with Billy-Bubba,” and he picks up the landline phone on the wall.
She presses herself up against him, and says in a breathy, flirty voice, “Oh, do not bother heem. He eez busy and eez in bad mood to-day. He trusts me, and you kin too. And maybe when done, I come back to spend time weef you, handsome man.”
Mack's eyes glaze over, and his stern face is replaced by a big, dopey, wide-eyed grin as he drops the phone. He slobbers a little while he talks. “Aahh … sthure, baby.”
While they prepare the 200 kilos for her, she notices a cute, pink bunny stuffed animal. She picks it up and says, “Oh, zis eez so cute!”
Mack answers, “Oh, that goofy thing. You can have it.”
So the workers load up Babs' van with the 200 kilos of meth and she drives away with that and her bunny rabbit.
About half an hour later, Billy-Bubba calls the lab. Mack answers the phone. Billy-Bubba says, “Listen, if a sexy Russian lady comes by to pick up the load, DON'T give her anything. She's from the Russian mafia and is planning to steal it from us. If she shows up, tie her up immediately and call me. I'm on my way there.”
Mack says, “Uh …. I already gave her the load.”
Before Billy-Bubba can protest, the entire place explodes. The whole lab and the whole warehouse go up in a huge mushroom cloud.
In the meantime, Babs has almost reached her destination in Independence, Missouri. She looks at the stuffed rabbit contemptuously and asks, “Vut eez zis stooopeed zing?” and throws it out the window.
Meanwhile, you're just finishing up your visit to the Harry S. Truman Presidential Library in Independence, Missouri. You're walking along looking for the Hazme Mordaza Mexican Restaurant when a van drives by and a pink rabbit stuffed animal comes flying out of it and lands at your feet. You pick it up and wonder why someone threw it out. But you think it's cute, so you take it with you.
When you get back to your hotel room, you turn on the news and learn about the exploded meth lab in Trottelstadt, your home town! They show a photo of Babs Zshibloobsky and say that she's a member of the Russian Mafia, and is a suspect in the bombing. They mention that police have been unable to locate a pink bunny rabbit stuffed animal that their operative had planted there for surveillance. They suspect it was destroyed in the explosion.
You're like, “Holy crap,” and you examine the bunny rabbit that you found. You find the hidden camera in it and its SD card. You plug the memory card into your laptop and watch the footage. It's a good quality video of Babs in the meth lab talking with the men there. You notice she enters with a purse, but leaves without it. You rewind the footage and watch again, this time noticing how she discretely hides her purse while they're not looking. The bomb must have been in that! You have proof that this Babs Zshibloobsky was indeed the bomber!
However, you're not sure what to do. You don't want to become the Russian Mafia's next target, so you go to the Greyhound station and you lock the stuffed animal in a locker there and return to your hotel room. You're scared and wish you had taken someone on the trip with you, but you're alone since no one else in your family was interested in the Truman Library.
That night there's a knock on your door. It's Babs Zshibloobsky. She's the most smokin' hot woman you've ever seen in your life. Not long after the introductions, she starts crying. “Oh, sir, I hev lost my most prized possession, my peeeenk bunny rabbit stuffed aneeeemal. Hev you seen eet?”
You shake your head “no,” and then she starts to look angry.
“I sink you hev eet,” she insists. You just stand there afraid. Then she switches tactics. She presses her gorgeous body against you and strokes your hair. “Oh, darling,” she says, “Just geev me ze bunny rabbit and then we weel eeen-joy a wonderful night togezzer. I weel do everyzzing zat you want.”
You just stand there staring, eyes wide open. She continues: “And my organization eez powerful. We weel pay you 100 million dollars in cash. Just geev me ze rabbit.”
You think of the people who were blown up in the bombing. They were all a bunch of meth-dealing dirtbags of the type who were destroying Trottelstadt, and also the lives of many others. They've made your life in Trottelstadt, and the life of everyone else, miserable. It's no big loss. You think that maybe Babs did your town and the world a favor by blowing them up.
So that's your moral dilemma. You can do any of the following:
1. Turn over the pink rabbit to the police that gets Babs convicted, and you probably get offed by the Russian mafia.
2. Turn over the evidence to the police under the condition that you are put into witness protection, so that you don't get offed
3. Give the pink rabbit back to Babs. Then you get to spend a night of passion with that gorgeous woman, and also get paid 100 million bucks, but you're helping a murderess go free.
4. Give the pink rabbit back to Babs, but decline the night of passion with her while still accepting the 100 million. Don't worry, she's not vindictive. She just wants the rabbit back, and will understand if you're married or whatever. You'll be rich, but you will have let a murderess go free.
What do you do?
The above is the straight man version. If you're a woman attracted to men, or if you're a man attracted to men, just substitute for Babs whomever you're insanely attracted to in Babs' role. If you're a woman attracted to other women, Babs is good with that.
