Needing some advice (problem sibling)

[couchscout]

So I have a brother who is 3 years younger than me, that would make him 29 at the moment. When he was in 6th grade, he won the Brazoz River Valley Acres MVP, the BRVA has like 400 teams in it, you figure 40ish kids per team, that's a LOT of pee wee players to be considered the MVP of. He had 2100 rushing yards and 25 TDs in 11 games that year. By the time he was a junior in high school, he was ranked as the 15th best RB in the state of Texas. Four games into that season, he already had 800 rushing yards and 6 TDs (he basically averaged 200 yards a game for every game he ever played in his life.) The Tuesday following their 4th game, he was running scout team offense, trying to give the 1st team defense a look at a player like him, a non contact drill, he ran through the hole, stuck his foot in the ground, and his knee completely gave out. I remember the doctor telling us it was his entire knee, ACL, MCL, PCL, lateral miniscus, the whole thing. He never played organized football again (oddly enough, he ended up being one of the best flag football QB's I've ever seen.)

Somewhere around his sophomore season, I started catching wind he was selling weed to his friends. I sat him down and talked to him about it, tried to get him to understand the consequences he could be facing. I didn't hear much more about it after that, every once in a while I'd hear a rumor but it was few and far between and I was already well aware at that point how hard it can be to shake a stigma. Of course I soon graduated and took off to college, where I still sometimes heard rumors of his doing/dealing drugs. One of the greatest regrets of my life is not telling our mother as soon as I heard about it the first time. His life is currently in shambles and I'm at least partially to blame.

Around 20 years old, he was basically the biggest drug dealer in my home town, pretty much everyone knew it. One day a good friend of his whose mother was a police dispatcher, told him flat out that the police were watching him and building a case against him. He quit dealing cold turkey on that day. Soon after he got a girl at a party pregnant and promptly married her. They had a decent marriage (his relationships have always been rocky simply because he's so high strung), even had a second kid together. Named the first one Quenton Blake (QB). However, over the years, his insistence on smoking weed on a daily basis started to wear on her. Before long not only was he smoking weed, but he was also doing Xanex bars. He had a seizure in his mid 20s because he tried to quit doing the Xanex cold turkey. About 3 years ago now, she divorced him. They have a mostly amicable relationship now, and it was far from the ugliest divorce I've ever seen. But soon after, he started losing jobs by failing drug tests. It got to the point where he had to move back in with my parents, where he still is today. He does good for a while, but inevitably he starts using again, and then the bad stuff starts happening. He's been accused of stealing several different items recently, he had a job working for the city, and they were investigating him for stealing tools. The flag football league where he'd practically become a legend pretty much all hate him now because he got caught trying to steal someones iphone. He lost 7 jobs in a row (in a 3 year span), all by failing drug tests. Life in complete shambles.

Well, it all hit the fan on Monday, the city actually busted him smoking week, took him to jail where he spent a couple days before convincing his ex to bail him out. He admitted to my mom that he's been smoking weed again, doing bars again, and drinking and driving on occasion (which is a major conflict to me, if you've ever drank and drove in your whole life, I have 0.00% respect for you, and I hate not respecting my brother) and basically doing other nefarious things. He told her that it started again because he wasn't making enough money at the city, so he started selling again, which of course led to him using again. He's been telling my mom that jail scared the crap out of him, there were a lot of arian brotherhood/white supremacists/jail gangs in there (he's half Mexican), and he was blown away that there are people in there that just don't care...about anything.

So of course now my mom is basically just planning on letting him try to find another job and just seeing if he was actually scared straight. I'm going crazy, I don't know what to do to help him, or how to convince my mom that he needs real help. He's gotten so good at lying right to her face over the years, I just don't believe he's been scared straight, I think he'll be good long enough to get her to lax up just a bit, and fall back into what he always has.

Have any of you guys ever dealt with a problem like this? I'm at my wits end, I just don't know what to do. Aside from getting my mom to stop being a world class enabler, is there anything I can do? Do I have to just sit back and watch him hit rock bottom? If she kicks him out, am I supposed to just let him wander the streets? Or worse get even more heavily entrenched in the drug world? I'm completely at a loss, any and all advice would be appreciated, and thanks for "listening" to all those who suffered through this boring story.

 

[Doomsday101]

So I have a brother who is 3 years younger than me, that would make him 29 at the moment. When he was in 6th grade, he won the Brazoz River Valley Acres MVP, the BRVA has like 400 teams in it, you figure 40ish kids per team, that's a LOT of pee wee players to be considered the MVP of. He had 2100 rushing yards and 25 TDs in 11 games that year. By the time he was a junior in high school, he was ranked as the 15th best RB in the state of Texas. Four games into that season, he already had 800 rushing yards and 6 TDs (he basically averaged 200 yards a game for every game he ever played in his life.) The Tuesday following their 4th game, he was running scout team offense, trying to give the 1st team defense a look at a player like him, a non contact drill, he ran through the hole, stuck his foot in the ground, and his knee completely gave out. I remember the doctor telling us it was his entire knee, ACL, MCL, PCL, lateral miniscus, the whole thing. He never played organized football again (oddly enough, he ended up being one of the best flag football QB's I've ever seen.)

Somewhere around his sophomore season, I started catching wind he was selling weed to his friends. I sat him down and talked to him about it, tried to get him to understand the consequences he could be facing. I didn't hear much more about it after that, every once in a while I'd hear a rumor but it was few and far between and I was already well aware at that point how hard it can be to shake a stigma. Of course I soon graduated and took off to college, where I still sometimes heard rumors of his doing/dealing drugs. One of the greatest regrets of my life is not telling our mother as soon as I heard about it the first time. His life is currently in shambles and I'm at least partially to blame.

Around 20 years old, he was basically the biggest drug dealer in my home town, pretty much everyone knew it. One day a good friend of his whose mother was a police dispatcher, told him flat out that the police were watching him and building a case against him. He quit dealing cold turkey on that day. Soon after he got a girl at a party pregnant and promptly married her. They had a decent marriage (his relationships have always been rocky simply because he's so high strung), even had a second kid together. Named the first one Quenton Blake (QB). However, over the years, his insistence on smoking weed on a daily basis started to wear on her. Before long not only was he smoking weed, but he was also doing Xanex bars. He had a seizure in his mid 20s because he tried to quit doing the Xanex cold turkey. About 3 years ago now, she divorced him. They have a mostly amicable relationship now, and it was far from the ugliest divorce I've ever seen. But soon after, he started losing jobs by failing drug tests. It got to the point where he had to move back in with my parents, where he still is today. He does good for a while, but inevitably he starts using again, and then the bad stuff starts happening. He's been accused of stealing several different items recently, he had a job working for the city, and they were investigating him for stealing tools. The flag football league where he'd practically become a legend pretty much all hate him now because he got caught trying to steal someones iphone. He lost 7 jobs in a row (in a 3 year span), all by failing drug tests. Life in complete shambles.

Well, it all hit the fan on Monday, the city actually busted him smoking week, took him to jail where he spent a couple days before convincing his ex to bail him out. He admitted to my mom that he's been smoking weed again, doing bars again, and drinking and driving on occasion (which is a major conflict to me, if you've ever drank and drove in your whole life, I have 0.00% respect for you, and I hate not respecting my brother) and basically doing other nefarious things. He told her that it started again because he wasn't making enough money at the city, so he started selling again, which of course led to him using again. He's been telling my mom that jail scared the crap out of him, there were a lot of arian brotherhood/white supremacists/jail gangs in there (he's half Mexican), and he was blown away that there are people in there that just don't care...about anything.

So of course now my mom is basically just planning on letting him try to find another job and just seeing if he was actually scared straight. I'm going crazy, I don't know what to do to help him, or how to convince my mom that he needs real help. He's gotten so good at lying right to her face over the years, I just don't believe he's been scared straight, I think he'll be good long enough to get her to lax up just a bit, and fall back into what he always has.

Have any of you guys ever dealt with a problem like this? I'm at my wits end, I just don't know what to do. Aside from getting my mom to stop being a world class enabler, is there anything I can do? Do I have to just sit back and watch him hit rock bottom? If she kicks him out, am I supposed to just let him wander the streets? Or worse get even more heavily entrenched in the drug world? I'm completely at a loss, any and all advice would be appreciated, and thanks for "listening" to all those who suffered through this boring story.

Hate to say it but in the end it is his own choice. You either get your life together or you continue down the same old path. I had to make a choice many years ago I made mine. All you can do is be supportive but in the end it is his choice he has to make it

 

[jnday]

I know a little about this. Sending you a PM.

 

[jobberone]

PM sent.

 

[Idgit]

I don't have direct experience with a family member with this, but it sounds to me like it's time for an intervention, if you haven't done one already. He's spiraling, and it's unlikely to reverse the downward trajectory without significant effort from somebody or somebodies.

 

[kyle28282]

Couchscout: I would love to help, especially because (and you didn't know this) you've actually helped me go through some tough times, with your awesome cowboys post which make me the most happy man in the world everytime I see a new one.

Unfortunately I'm just 15 years old, so I don't know much about this kind of problems, and therefore I don't have an idea of how to help you and your family right now.

I will PM you as soon as I come up with something that may help...I wish you the best, and thanks for being the great man you are.

 

[a_minimalist]

I think the first thing you should do is stop blaming yourself. I saw a sentence in the beginning where you said it was partly your fault. It wasn't your fault, at all. He is responsible for himself.

I'm not expert but I've seen a lot of kids from my town go to jail or become drug addicts. It seems like the only thing you can really do is support them and be honest by telling them they are ruining their own life and they are the only one responsible for changing it. Enabling does no one any good.

 

[WV Cowboy]

and be honest by telling them they are ruining their own life and they are the only one responsible for changing it.

Their life, his mother's life, his older brother' life, .. etc.

Tough, tough, difficult situation. The kid must feel like he is in quicksand. Nobody can change this but him, and it is a hard thing to do, a hard life-cycle to escape from.

Just like quicksand.

 

[Doomsday101]

Their life, his mother's life, his older brother' life, .. etc.

Tough, tough, difficult situation. The kid must feel like he is in quicksand. Nobody can change this but him, and it is a hard thing to do, a hard life-cycle to escape from.

Just like quicksand.

True but in the end only 1 person can control an addiction and that is the person with the addiction. You can want it for them so bad but until that person determines they need to change nothing will change.

In my early 20's I had similar issues and after doing 30 days in jail I had to come to a decision "Is this the life I want" I choose no and I went about making changes no one else can make that for you.

 

[WV Cowboy]

True but in the end only 1 person can control an addiction and that is the person with the addiction.

True, .. that's why I put "Nobody can change this but him" in my post.

 

[Doomsday101]

True, .. that's why I put "Nobody can change this but him" in my post.

No doubt a sad situation for family member who wants to help but really can't do nothing except be there for the person when they do hit rock bottom and offer to get them help.

 

[JBond]

PM sent

 

[arglebargle]

Tell him you love him and you'll be there to help him when he decides he wants to change.

Sadly, it's a lot harder to get into a program to help you with this sort of thing than it is to get into prison. You might want to investigate these sorts of programs though, so you have some decent advice to give when he does make the decision.

 

[MichaelWinicki]

Tough situation.

I agree with Dooms... much of this will come down to your brother.

BUT I think after a certain point, more jail time isn't going to give him any more incentive to change his ways.

This (drug usage) is a social problem and the criminal & justice system can't fix it.

On the other hand I've been told that it takes 9 attempts at rehab before it takes.

I'd see if you folks (the folks that care for him) could pool your resources and give him the choice of a long-term rehab assignment OR he's banished from your lives for good.

 

[Yeagermeister]

Until he hits is bottom and truly wants to change there is nothing you or you family can do. I wish I had something better for you but I don't. Good luck

 

[WoodysGirl]

I've had a few problem family members for lack of a better word.

I have a Don't ask, Don't tell policy with them.

It's not that I'm not supportive, but I refuse to get caught up in their life and cost myself in the process.

If they end up in jail, I'll put money on their books, and may even go visit, but I'm not going to invest too much of my time and energy into saving them.

It might sound cruel, but if they totally ignore my advice when I first gave it to them, then I move on.

Had a cousin, who I loved dearly, who never got it together. Had a long talk with him and it's like he couldn't comprehend the advice that I was giving him. What I've found is that he was just afraid of success.

 

[Dodger]

The old saying that you can't help someone who won't help himself is, unfortunately, true. My half brother went through this exact same thing. His addiction was coke and heroin. My parents pleaded with him for years...offered to help with ANYTHING for years...a place to stay, help getting a job, money for expenses, paying for treatment. It didn't matter, though. The police found him dead of an overdose in an abandoned building. He had a wife and 3 awesome kids, but that wasn't enough incentive to quit, apparently.

Addiction is a very powerful thing to fight.

 

[Hoofbite]

You are no more to blame for his faults than you are anyone else's. The fact that he is your brother likely puts some guilt onto you but in the end we all make our own choices and have to suffer the consequences.

Very few in your brother's position actually turn it around.

I've seen more than my fair share of people who fail. He's probably going to have to have the bottom fall completely out.

I suggest you find a support group for family members of addicts. Al-Anon is probably a good start. At least visit a couple boards.

Hear or read their stories and come to the realization that you are likely going to be impacted by his poor decision making for a long, long time. Find out how they best dealt with their situations.