Onion Sports Team By Team Guide

[urface59]

The Onion did a guide to every NFL team for 2010 season... http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=1

I lol'd a lot.

 

[Go Big D!]

Okay, I lol'd too

Here's the NFCE:
(some nice little nuggets in there)



New York Giants

* Strength: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped
* Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion stadium
* Player To Watch: After missing most of the 2009 season with a knee injury, Kenny Phillips has looked pretty good in practice, although nobody remembers who he is or what position he plays
* Biggest Question: How will the Giants handle a very tough schedule that includes games against the Indianapolis Colts, their division rivals, the 1996 All-Madden team, and the '78 Steelers?



Dallas Cowboys

* Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
* Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
* Intangibles: (blank) the Dallas Cowboys and every (blank)ing thing they stand for; special teams
* Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?



Philadelphia Eagles

* Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb
* Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion
* Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at
* Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?



Washington Commanders

* Strength: Acquisition of 33-year-old Donovan McNabb gives them a solid quarterback for maybe four weeks
* Weakness: Receivers, running backs, offensive line, and defense, but, um, this is the year the Commanders really turn it around
* Player To Watch: Albert Haynesworth, in that uncomfortable car-accident can't-stop-looking way
* Biggest Question: By how big a margin will the Commanders beat the Rams, and how many games will that buy Donovan McNabb before fans want him benched?

 

[urface59]

I really liked this one:

Oakland Raiders


Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ****ing sucks

Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is
not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

 

[MetalHead]

AFC West

Denver Broncos

• Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary
• 
  
• Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' (blank) quarterbacks
• Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book
• 
  
• Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts

 

[Staggerlee]

My favorite was the comment on westbrook, hes sure to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone at any time :laugh2:

 

[Avery]

The Onion is always pure gold.

 

[CowboyMike]

The Onion is always pure gold.

From my experience it's usually white. Sometimes yellow or red. With layers.

 

[urface59]

From my experience it's usually white. Sometimes yellow or red. With layers.

I love me some vidalia onions!

 

[Screw The Hall]

:laugh2: hilarious stuff

 

[Longboysfan]

Very good look for the season coming up.:laugh2:

 

[silverbear]

I'm glad I read that piece before I made my picks this week... I feel really confident that I'm gonna have a big first week...