Parents With Hypomania/Dementia

[Stryker44]

Do any of you have experience helping to care for a parent who suddenly starts making very rash decisions and seems to wander off in a fugue-like state? I had to pick up my 74 year old mom from Atlantic City, which is about 3.5 hours away...she made a spontaneous decision to go see a relative and ran out of gas in the middle of Atlantic City.

 

[Montanalo]

Do any of you have experience helping to care for a parent who suddenly starts making very rash decisions and seems to wander off in a fugue-like state? I had to pick up my 74 year old mom from Atlantic City, which is about 3.5 hours away...she made a spontaneous decision to go see a relative and ran out of gas in the middle of Atlantic City.

Yes. We are facing the same issue with my mother. She has been exhibiting dementia-like behaviors for a few years and it seems to be accelerating. She currently resides in an independent living facility that has the option of assisted living/memory care. It is difficult situation in many ways...

Is there something specific you wanted to discuss?

 

[Stryker44]

Yes. We are facing the same issue with my mother. She has been exhibiting dementia-like behaviors for a few years and it seems to be accelerating. She currently resides in an independent living facility that has the option of assisted living/memory care. It is difficult situation in many ways...

Is there something specific you wanted to discuss?

At what point did you decide that this was what she needed? I work full time and have no siblings in the country. My brother living abroad is basically useless in this situation. I live about 10 minutes away from my mom. If she was to move to independent living her house would need to be sold in order to pay the fees.

My mom is able to navigate and remember where she is - but the impulsive decisions and not answering her cell phone when people call when she goes into this impulsive mode is worrisome.

I am also worried she could be a target for financial scams in her current state- she is becoming too naive and trusting of people. Her license is currently suspended and I had to take her car keys from her. She thinks she can pass the driver's test and get a limited license reinstated. The truth is though she would not be able to stop herself from driving the car if she had the keys. I went over yesterday and allowed her to have the keys to practice for her driver's test (to reinstate). She said she wanted to practice backing into her driveway. I relented and said yes. She proceeded to drive out of the neighborhood and to the grocery store. So I took the keys from her again and left. Its hard not to feel some frustration or like I'm being lied to - even if I know she can't fully control these impulsive urges.

 

[Reality]

At what point did you decide that this was what she needed? I work full time and have no siblings in the country. My brother living abroad is basically useless in this situation. I live about 10 minutes away from my mom. If she was to move to independent living her house would need to be sold in order to pay the fees.

My mom is able to navigate and remember where she is - but the impulsive decisions and not answering her cell phone when people call when she goes into this impulsive mode is worrisome.

I am also worried she could be a target for financial scams in her current state- she is becoming too naive and trusting of people. Her license is currently suspended and I had to take her car keys from her. She thinks she can pass the driver's test and get a limited license reinstated. The truth is though she would not be able to stop herself from driving the car if she had the keys. I went over yesterday and allowed her to have the keys to practice for her driver's test (to reinstate). She said she wanted to practice backing into her driveway. I relented and said yes. She proceeded to drive out of the neighborhood and to the grocery store. So I took the keys from her again and left. Its hard not to feel some frustration or like I'm being lied to - even if I know she can't fully control these impulsive urges.

You need to take the keys from her permanently. If she causes an accident or worse, injures or kills someone, she could end up in jail and be sued and lose all of her assets. You might also want to look into getting a conservatorship over her finances to protect her from herself as well as any scammers.

 

[DallasEast]

Here is an excellent web resource:

https://www.aplaceformom.com/

A mental health evaluation should be done as quickly as possible. Speak with her primary care physician for assistance in getting the evaluation scheduled. The emergency department of full service hospitals are equip with or have assess to staff who can conduct the evaluation and begin the initial stages of proper mental health treatment.

My mother suffered from vascular dementia. I know how challenging caring for a loved one can be. Seek professional help immediately.

 

[DBOY3141]

Do any of you have experience helping to care for a parent who suddenly starts making very rash decisions and seems to wander off in a fugue-like state? I had to pick up my 74 year old mom from Atlantic City, which is about 3.5 hours away...she made a spontaneous decision to go see a relative and ran out of gas in the middle of Atlantic City.

I feel your pain, my friend.
My mother in law is 76 and was diagnosed with Athheimzer's last year. My wife's aunt is 84 and has dementia. My wife is the only child/niece for them, so all care giving falls on us.
We had to move the aunt into an assisted living facility and we are now looking at places for my mother in law.

Our biggest struggle is that we knew 18 months to 2 years ago that the best place for both of them was a facility. Both are stubborn and as we all know, you can't make someone do something if they don't want to. Over time, we finally worked enough with their doctors who advised them or what they needed to do. Don't know if you have this, but for us, if the doctors said something or advised, they would do it, no questions asked. If we did, it was a fight.

My best advice for you and your family. You have to make time for yourself, if not, little by little, they will drive you insane with "needing" something. My mother in law calls my wife, 3 -5 times a day to talk about the same thing. I had to tell her to stop answering the phone every time. She would constantly try to convice her mother that they had already talked about this subject. Her mom has no clue, so why do that, it's a non-winning battle.

 

[Montanalo]

At what point did you decide that this was what she needed? I work full time and have no siblings in the country. My brother living abroad is basically useless in this situation. I live about 10 minutes away from my mom. If she was to move to independent living her house would need to be sold in order to pay the fees.

My mom is able to navigate and remember where she is - but the impulsive decisions and not answering her cell phone when people call when she goes into this impulsive mode is worrisome.

I am also worried she could be a target for financial scams in her current state- she is becoming too naive and trusting of people. Her license is currently suspended and I had to take her car keys from her. She thinks she can pass the driver's test and get a limited license reinstated. The truth is though she would not be able to stop herself from driving the car if she had the keys. I went over yesterday and allowed her to have the keys to practice for her driver's test (to reinstate). She said she wanted to practice backing into her driveway. I relented and said yes. She proceeded to drive out of the neighborhood and to the grocery store. So I took the keys from her again and left. Its hard not to feel some frustration or like I'm being lied to - even if I know she can't fully control these impulsive urges.

Sadly, the trigger-point was an auto accident. Fortunately, no one was injured. The police officer investigating the reported that my mother was confused and belligerent.

During the follow-up medical examination, her doctor filled us in on a number of issues he noticed over the past 1-2 and arranged for testing. He also medically revoked her driver's license.

There are a number of very good suggestions from other posters. I would offer the following advise my mom's doctor gave us:

• Have your mother authorize the release of her medical treatment and diagnosis to you or select family members. It has been invaluable to us to have first hand knowledge of mom's treatment.
• Resist the urge to care for mom at your home. I know this sounds cold and in-Christain-like, but it is probably the single best advise we received.
• If your mother or father served in the military, she may qualify for veteran's benefits - including aid for assisted living.
• If you initially consider independent living, you may want to inquire whether the facility has a medical team or nursevthat can manage and distribute your mom's meds. My mother has a laundry list of meds she takes daily. We found out some time after she moved into independent living that she would simply forget to take her meds one day, or take double or triple the dosage the next.
• Your concern about your mother being taken advantage of financially is real. With my mother's agreement, we were added to her bank account so we can monitor it electronically.

I feel for you and wish you the best.

Hope this helps

 

[YosemiteSam]

Do any of you have experience helping to care for a parent who suddenly starts making very rash decisions and seems to wander off in a fugue-like state? I had to pick up my 74 year old mom from Atlantic City, which is about 3.5 hours away...she made a spontaneous decision to go see a relative and ran out of gas in the middle of Atlantic City.

I find a majority of people to be irrational and make irrational decisions on a daily basis.

I recently spoke to @Reality about doing some behavioral experiments with CBZ users using polls plugin on the board, then showing the irrational results to everyone once the experiment was complete. Sadly, Reality frowned on me showing all of you how irrational you are.

 

[Passepartout]

So sorry you had to deal with that. As really think that indeed take away the keys. Know what Dementia can do to you. And had both of my maternal grandparents succumb to it.

 

[Stryker44]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I figured there were a fair number on this board who were middle aged like myself and going through something similar with older parents.

It really is a fine balance to tread - I want her to be safe, but also don't want her getting depressed sitting in front of a TV all day alone locked away in the house. She is a very social person who gets energized being around people.

I put $500 into an Uber account for her and showed her how to use the app on her phone. I'll know for at least a short period of time when she leaves the house and where she's going. Going to see how long the $500 lasts and then I may have to try to convince her that this is not an efficient or sustainable way for her to be getting around and about, and then begin to see if I can enlist her doctor in backing up what I think will be inevitable in the next 3-5 years (independent/assisted living).

 

[visionary]

Listen to the advice by Reality and Dallas East above

 

[Stryker44]

Listen to the advice by Reality and Dallas East above

Thanks. Sadly enough I wound up having to call the police yesterday. She had told me she would only be using the car to practice parking and try to obtain her license again (I agreed to take her to the MVA for this on the condition she didn't drive outside the driveway)

She wound up driving around in circles in the county just south of hers. Fortunately I had put a GPS tracker on her phone so was able to locate her - however I could not get her to pull over on my own. She refused to get out of her car and just kept driving and driving.

It got to the point where I felt I had no choice - but the anger she had/has and guilt trip she has tried to put on me for doing this is very strong.

 

[visionary]

Thanks. Sadly enough I wound up having to call the police yesterday. She had told me she would only be using the car to practice parking and try to obtain her license again (I agreed to take her to the MVA for this on the condition she didn't drive outside the driveway)

She wound up driving around in circles in the county just south of hers. Fortunately I had put a GPS tracker on her phone so was able to locate her - however I could not get her to pull over on my own. She refused to get out of her car and just kept driving and driving.

It got to the point where I felt I had no choice - but the anger she had/has and guilt trip she has tried to put on me for doing this is very strong.

Sorry to hear this buddy
Know this that there is no greater thing than taking care of your parents
Don't look at it as if she is trying to guilt you but understand that she is scared and needs someone to take care of her
Peace

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

Best wishes to you and your family going forward with this issue. It is no joke and can be very taxing for all parties involved. Truly can drain you and at times can really break you down emotionally.

I had a great grandmother with Alzheimer who we would get calls in the middle of the night of her trying to break into a day care center building that was no longer open but that she had worked at 20 or so years ago. In her mind she was showing up to work in the morning as normal but what was really happening was she was out walking in town after midnight trying to get into a building that was no longer in use.

My grandmother on my mom's side of the family also got Alzheimer. Thankfully she lived next door to my mom for a good portion of her late years. She would wake up and was convinced a bunch of old friends were visiting and she would make a huge stack of pancakes (or other food but mostly pancakes) for them in the middle of the night. We were thankful that she would turn off the stove and be safe but when asked why they never ate the food, she would say they would try to convince her to go out with them and she would not so they would leave without eating. Sadly some time later they started (in her mind) to actually convince her to go out with them and she would be out in the yard or the street lost in the middle of the night. THAT was when we had to put her in an assisted living situation. The heart breaking thing about these issues is when you would go to visit and one time she would recognize you and other times she would be scared when you were in her room because she would not know who you were so she thought you were a stranger there do her harm until you finally got her to realize who you were.

My grandmother on my step-father's side of the family had severe dementia. For the last 10 years or so of her life she did not really communicate with anyone other than her toy dolls. She would get toy dolls and take care of them like a young girl would but would be pretty much oblivious to other things around her. You could try to have a conversation with here but it was like you were not even there to her. Which was really sad as she was a very smart women, very opinionated, loved to argue and would not take gruff from anyone.

 

[Mountaineerfan]

Beware of sundowners as well guys. My wife's grandfather developed sundowners with his dementia which caused him to stay up all hours of the night confused to the time. God bless him.

 

[Aikmaniac]

This is all very good advice, Stryker. My mom passed away almost two years ago after dealing with Alzheimer's/Dementia for almost 8 years.

As others have said, the caregivers are the ones that get hurt the most through this. My Dad cared for her for just over 4 years, but it became too taxing. He couldn't sleep because he was worried she would get up in the middle of the night and leave the house. I had to install baby locks on doorknobs. I moved next door to help my Dad care for her. It came to a point where we had to move her to an ALF.

It's not cheap. If you can't get help from Medicaid or the VA, plan on liquidating assets. Since the care needed for what your Mom has (Alzheimer's/Dementia) is considered custodial and not medically necessary, Medicare will not cover long-term ALF expenses. You or I or any of the members here could go get "training" for how to care for these patients without the prerequisite need of a medical degree or certification.

Not trying to ask about your mom's present financial state, but if she makes over a certain dollar amount per month, she won't qualify for Medicaid. To get around this, hire a elder care attorney to create a Qualified Income Trust that you can use at your bank. Any amount over the allowed monthly income should be deposited into the QIT. The money from the QIT is to be used for meds, doctor's visits, etc. This loophole allows you not to be penalized and to be covered by Medicaid. Make sure you apply for Long Term Care (LTC) in Medicaid. Do not apply for Medically Needy unless you plan to not move her to an ALF.

Also, get your power of attorney's in order, both the medical and the financial power of attorney's. Your elder care attorney can help with this too.

It really is one of the worst things we all can experience...seeing your loved on turn into a shell of their former self.

If you'd like to get more detail on what I've mentioned, feel free to PM me. Happy to help out. I know what you're about to go through. It's not easy, but try to get ahead of it as soon as you can.

 

[lukin2006]

Yes, my mother was developing dementia. She fell and broke her hip at 78, after surgery her memory issues got worse. I never had to deal with the full effects of her dementia, she passed away 6 months after her fall. But she saw her mother and sister live quite a long time with Alzheimer’s, and I think my mom wouldn’t want to live like that...