Reverend Conehead
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We need a new moral dilemma. Here's one.
Your name is Georg Friedrich Stinkenhoffengruben, which is an unusual name to be sure. By sheer coincidence, you meet another man with the exact same name. You're not related. It's a total coincidence. You work as a pig farmer and earn a decent income, but it's nothing extraordinary. The other man with your same name is a billionaire heir to the Puff-Puff Air perfume company.
For convenience, we'll refer to you as Stinky 1, and to this other guy with your name as Stinky 2. You befriend Stinky 2, and in the process, you learn that he's having an affair with a hottie named Penelope Aisselles-Puantes. In order to not get caught, Stinky 2 has an alternate drivers license under the name “John Smith.” He doesn't even keep his regular ID with him when he's seeing Penelope as John Smith.
One day, Stinky 2 is leaving the fancy hotel after his torrid meeting with Penelope, and he slips on a banana peel and falls in front of a bus and is killed. The cops identify him from his ID as “John Smith,” and no one knows that Stinky 2 is actually dead. You stay out of it, as it's none of your business.
So one day, a courier shows up at your door with an envelope, which he hands to you. “What's this?” you ask.
“It's your monthly royalty check,” he says.
You open it to find a check for 22 million dollars.
He then says, “We need a statement from you about the perfume line, Les Beaux Yeux.” (pronounced: lay bo-zyeoo) And he sticks a microphone in your face.
You're dressed in overalls, muddy boots, and a Cowboy hat. You don't look like a perfume mogul, and you don't know jack about perfume, but you give it your best shot. You say, “Uh … yeah, man, Les Beaux Yeux, is this perfume that … uh … it smells real great. Ya know, women put on fancy dresses and go to all these balls in big ballrooms … and … uh … they wear Les Beaux Yeux perfume so that they smell real good. So, ya know, women like to smell good when they're all elegant and fancy and stuff. So, yeah, man, Les Beaux Yeux, it's great stuff.”
You're worried that he'll be suspicious, but he simply says, “Thank you, sir,” and leaves. And you're 22 million dollars richer. A couple weeks later, you see an ad in a magazine for that perfume, with a beautiful image of a perfume bottle and it's accompanied by your stupid quote. However, people respond to your down-to-earth descriptions of perfume, and sales increase by 100 percent.
The next month, the same courier shows up, but, due to the increased sales, your royalty check is 32 million. He sticks a microphone in your face for a new quote. You say, “Um … yeah, women in fancy evening gowns, they don't want to be smelly or anything, so they use Les Beaux Yeux to smell super nice at their rich lady functions and stuff.”
This time they run an ad with your quote with a picture of you in your overalls, muddy boots, and cowboy hat and holding a bottle of LBY perfume. But now you're super rich and you can do whatever you want.
Stinky 2's wife finds out about you, but she does nothing. Your existence provides the perfect cover for her. You see, she had been angry about the affair, and had hired a hit-man to throw that banana peel in front of him to murder him and make it look like an accident. Now with you impersonating him, no one thinks he's dead, and so she won't get caught.
However, Penelope Aisselles-Puantes, ex mistress of Stinky 2, sees the ad and is outraged. She misses Stinky 2, and especially the money and gifts he used to provide for her. She threatens to go public and out you as a fraud. She demands half of your 32 million a month to keep her mouth shut.
However, by now you've assumed all of Stinky 2's assets, including the Loving Mental Health Care Facility, locally known as the “Stinkenhoffengruben Booby Hatch.” It's a fake mental institution that Stinky 2 used to get rid of all his enemies. All they do is put people in a straight jacket, drug them, and have them drool and watch TV all day. All you have to do is make a phone call, and they'll come out and pick up Penelope and maroon her in that institution. That will protect your new perfume empire.
So, your choices are:
1. Pay Penelope what she's demanding, thus cutting your millions in half.
2. Shut Penelope up by having her dragged off to your phony mental institution.
3. Have Penelope offed by a hit-man.
4. Confess your fraud to the DA, losing your millions, and possibly getting falsely implicated in Stinky 2's murder.
Those are your choices. What do you do?
Your name is Georg Friedrich Stinkenhoffengruben, which is an unusual name to be sure. By sheer coincidence, you meet another man with the exact same name. You're not related. It's a total coincidence. You work as a pig farmer and earn a decent income, but it's nothing extraordinary. The other man with your same name is a billionaire heir to the Puff-Puff Air perfume company.
For convenience, we'll refer to you as Stinky 1, and to this other guy with your name as Stinky 2. You befriend Stinky 2, and in the process, you learn that he's having an affair with a hottie named Penelope Aisselles-Puantes. In order to not get caught, Stinky 2 has an alternate drivers license under the name “John Smith.” He doesn't even keep his regular ID with him when he's seeing Penelope as John Smith.
One day, Stinky 2 is leaving the fancy hotel after his torrid meeting with Penelope, and he slips on a banana peel and falls in front of a bus and is killed. The cops identify him from his ID as “John Smith,” and no one knows that Stinky 2 is actually dead. You stay out of it, as it's none of your business.
So one day, a courier shows up at your door with an envelope, which he hands to you. “What's this?” you ask.
“It's your monthly royalty check,” he says.
You open it to find a check for 22 million dollars.
He then says, “We need a statement from you about the perfume line, Les Beaux Yeux.” (pronounced: lay bo-zyeoo) And he sticks a microphone in your face.
You're dressed in overalls, muddy boots, and a Cowboy hat. You don't look like a perfume mogul, and you don't know jack about perfume, but you give it your best shot. You say, “Uh … yeah, man, Les Beaux Yeux, is this perfume that … uh … it smells real great. Ya know, women put on fancy dresses and go to all these balls in big ballrooms … and … uh … they wear Les Beaux Yeux perfume so that they smell real good. So, ya know, women like to smell good when they're all elegant and fancy and stuff. So, yeah, man, Les Beaux Yeux, it's great stuff.”
You're worried that he'll be suspicious, but he simply says, “Thank you, sir,” and leaves. And you're 22 million dollars richer. A couple weeks later, you see an ad in a magazine for that perfume, with a beautiful image of a perfume bottle and it's accompanied by your stupid quote. However, people respond to your down-to-earth descriptions of perfume, and sales increase by 100 percent.
The next month, the same courier shows up, but, due to the increased sales, your royalty check is 32 million. He sticks a microphone in your face for a new quote. You say, “Um … yeah, women in fancy evening gowns, they don't want to be smelly or anything, so they use Les Beaux Yeux to smell super nice at their rich lady functions and stuff.”
This time they run an ad with your quote with a picture of you in your overalls, muddy boots, and cowboy hat and holding a bottle of LBY perfume. But now you're super rich and you can do whatever you want.
Stinky 2's wife finds out about you, but she does nothing. Your existence provides the perfect cover for her. You see, she had been angry about the affair, and had hired a hit-man to throw that banana peel in front of him to murder him and make it look like an accident. Now with you impersonating him, no one thinks he's dead, and so she won't get caught.
However, Penelope Aisselles-Puantes, ex mistress of Stinky 2, sees the ad and is outraged. She misses Stinky 2, and especially the money and gifts he used to provide for her. She threatens to go public and out you as a fraud. She demands half of your 32 million a month to keep her mouth shut.
However, by now you've assumed all of Stinky 2's assets, including the Loving Mental Health Care Facility, locally known as the “Stinkenhoffengruben Booby Hatch.” It's a fake mental institution that Stinky 2 used to get rid of all his enemies. All they do is put people in a straight jacket, drug them, and have them drool and watch TV all day. All you have to do is make a phone call, and they'll come out and pick up Penelope and maroon her in that institution. That will protect your new perfume empire.
So, your choices are:
1. Pay Penelope what she's demanding, thus cutting your millions in half.
2. Shut Penelope up by having her dragged off to your phony mental institution.
3. Have Penelope offed by a hit-man.
4. Confess your fraud to the DA, losing your millions, and possibly getting falsely implicated in Stinky 2's murder.
Those are your choices. What do you do?
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