Reverend Conehead
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I'll go first. Here I am in Casablanca. There's no Rick/Humphrey Bogart. It's me instead of him. Here's how it goes.
Remember Yvonne, Rick's girlfriend that he didn't give a crap about and whom he brushed off? That was Yvonne, played by Madeline Lebeau:
In my Casablanca, she's a way more important character. In fact, I'm totally into her and don't brush her off. I mean, look at her. She's gorgeous. I've forgotten all about Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) whom I had a fling with in Paris. I was super upset when Ilsa bailed on me in Paris, but she's old news now. I'm with Yvonne now, and I think she's way sexier anyway.
So the plot goes like this. In my cafe/pub in Casablanca, I spend most of my time in the upper room with Yvonne. This is a movie from 1942, so most of what goes on in that room is implied rather than explicitly shown, but you get the idea. Yvonne is my girl. I'm super happy. Then there's a knock on the door. It's one of my workers saying that there are important people there to see me.
So I go down into the restaurant, Yvonne on my arm, to find Victor Laslow there with Ilsa as his wife.
Flashback to the same scenes as in the real movie with Rick and Ilsa in Paris in their love affair. It has all the same stuff such as Ilsa all teary-eyed saying, "I love you so much and I hate this war so much" and Rick saying, "Here's looking at you, kid." Then we agree to meet at the train station and run off together to avoid the German soldiers. Just like in the real movie, she sends a lame-excuse note, standing me up, and I leave disgusted and angry.
Flash forward to Rick's restaurant. Victor wants to buy my letters of transit so that he and Ilsa can escape the occupying soldiers. I'm like, "Sure, I'll sell you the letters of transit." We negotiate a fair price and I sell them. Victor leaves momentarily to retrieve his finances, and Ilsa, Yvonne, and I stand there a little awkwardly, then Ilsa says, "You look happy. I'm glad." I pretend I don't know her. Victor returns and pays for the letters of transit, and I have a flunky get them for him. They take them and leave. After they're gone, Yvonne asks, "Who was that woman? She seemed to know you." I answer, "No one important." Then as Yvonne and I are arm-in-arm on our way back upstairs to the bedroom, I say, "Yvonne, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship."
End of film, closing credits.
Okay, I admit, my version of Casablanca isn't as good. In fact, it sucks. But admit it -- when you saw Yvonne in Casablanca, you wondered why Rick didn't want her.
Remember Yvonne, Rick's girlfriend that he didn't give a crap about and whom he brushed off? That was Yvonne, played by Madeline Lebeau:
In my Casablanca, she's a way more important character. In fact, I'm totally into her and don't brush her off. I mean, look at her. She's gorgeous. I've forgotten all about Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) whom I had a fling with in Paris. I was super upset when Ilsa bailed on me in Paris, but she's old news now. I'm with Yvonne now, and I think she's way sexier anyway.
So the plot goes like this. In my cafe/pub in Casablanca, I spend most of my time in the upper room with Yvonne. This is a movie from 1942, so most of what goes on in that room is implied rather than explicitly shown, but you get the idea. Yvonne is my girl. I'm super happy. Then there's a knock on the door. It's one of my workers saying that there are important people there to see me.
So I go down into the restaurant, Yvonne on my arm, to find Victor Laslow there with Ilsa as his wife.
Flashback to the same scenes as in the real movie with Rick and Ilsa in Paris in their love affair. It has all the same stuff such as Ilsa all teary-eyed saying, "I love you so much and I hate this war so much" and Rick saying, "Here's looking at you, kid." Then we agree to meet at the train station and run off together to avoid the German soldiers. Just like in the real movie, she sends a lame-excuse note, standing me up, and I leave disgusted and angry.
Flash forward to Rick's restaurant. Victor wants to buy my letters of transit so that he and Ilsa can escape the occupying soldiers. I'm like, "Sure, I'll sell you the letters of transit." We negotiate a fair price and I sell them. Victor leaves momentarily to retrieve his finances, and Ilsa, Yvonne, and I stand there a little awkwardly, then Ilsa says, "You look happy. I'm glad." I pretend I don't know her. Victor returns and pays for the letters of transit, and I have a flunky get them for him. They take them and leave. After they're gone, Yvonne asks, "Who was that woman? She seemed to know you." I answer, "No one important." Then as Yvonne and I are arm-in-arm on our way back upstairs to the bedroom, I say, "Yvonne, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship."
End of film, closing credits.
Okay, I admit, my version of Casablanca isn't as good. In fact, it sucks. But admit it -- when you saw Yvonne in Casablanca, you wondered why Rick didn't want her.
