Reverend Conehead
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Here are the rule changes I would make if I were the dictator of the NFL. Note: It's not if I were the comish and had to convince the players union and the owners of changes I want. This is if I simply had absolute power and could do anything I wanted to.
Some of these are repeats from previous years, but I've updated my demands with some new ones.
1. Repeal the 1978 bump and run rule! This is still the rule that I hate most. There should be no such penalty as “illegal contact.” Before '78, a defensive back could rough up a receiver all he wanted, as long as he didn't hold, until the ball was in the air. This '78 rule handicaps in favor of the offense. We don't need back-and-forth scoring for this to be a good game. Repeal this rule. It's the worst one the NFL has ever dreamed up.
2. Onside kicks only have to travel 5 yards before they can be recovered.
3. No more touchbacks on kickoffs coming out to the 25. They come out to the 20.
4. If a player fair catches a punt or kickoff in the field of play, it is spotted where he caught it. It does not come out to the 25 or to the 20. A touchback happens only if he catches the ball in his own endzone and downs it, or if the ball goes out of the back of the endzone, in which case it comes out to the 20, NOT to the 25.
5. PI and non-PI calls are challengeable. However, this will not be done the ridiculous way it was attempted before with some kind of language like, “Overturn only egregious mistakes.” It's simple. If the replay shows that the defender touched the receiver before the ball got there, while he was not looking back for the football, it's pass interference. If the defender arrives simultaneously with the ball, or after the ball, it's not pass interference. As with any review, the call on the field can only be overturned via incontrovertible proof. If it's unclear, the call on the field stands. There's no need for this to be complicated.
6. Three-point conversion. After scoring a touchdown, a team can try for a 1-point, a 2-point, or a 3-point conversion. The 3-point conversion is exactly like a 2-point one, except that it's from the 50-yard line. Thus, if a team is down by 9 points with little time left, it's possible for it to win without doing an onsides kick. It could score a TD and then a 3-point conversion to send it into overtime.
7. If a team wishes to call a timeout before the other team attempts a field goal, it must call that timeout at least 15 seconds before the ball is kicked. No more calling timeout the instant before he kicks it.
8. The Kenny Stabler rule is repealed. Currently, in the last two minutes of either half, a fumble can only be recovered and advanced by the player who fumbled. This has resulted in some absurd plays. For example, in 2014 (circa) Aaron Rodgers fumbled in his own endzone, but his running back recovered it and ran it out to the two yard-line, thus avoiding the safety. Oops! Thanks to this bad rule, it was a safety anyway. Any player who recovers a fumble, and is not down, should be able to advance the ball at any point in the game. The Stabler rule was meant to prevent absurd plays where a team scores from a deliberate fumble. However, the refs in that particular Oakland Raiders game didn't even call the play correctly according to the rules at the time. The replay clearly shows that Stabler threw and underhanded forward pass, which should have simply been ruled and incomplete pass when it hit the turf. End this ridiculous restriction on fumble recoveries.
9. An attempted field goal which hits either upright and bounces out is a one-point score named a “postgoal.”
10. The NFL is doing a forced buyout of the Philadelphia Eagles. The team is to be relocated to Nebraska and is to be renamed the Nebraska Neanderthals.
11. The City of Philadelphia is forever banned from owning another NFL team on the grounds that that city's fans are too unclassy and undeserving of a team. The NFL is in negotiation with the MBA, the NHL, and the MLB to remove its teams from Philly as well, under the grounds that Philadelphians don't deserve any major sports team due to being unsportsmanlike thugs.
12. The NFL is to establish a quarterback salary cap in order to prevent the overpaying of quarterbacks and the underpaying of other positions.
13. If a team successfully challenges a ruling on the field, the team is not charged a timeout and it retains its challenges.
14. If a player makes an obscene hand gesture to the crowd, the refs may kick him out of the game.
15. The NFL Draft will be held every year in Omaha, Nebraska.
16. As lime green is the ugliest color in existence, all NFL teams are prohibited from using it in their uniforms or helmets. (Seahawks, this means you: Redesign your fugly uniforms.)
17. Players are no longer obligated to speak to reporters. All interviews are voluntary. It's a player's choice whether or not to participate in interviews.
18. Every home team is to set up a space outside its locker room for doing interviews. Any reporter, regardless of gender, may interview players there.
19. All reporters are prohibited from entering any team's locker room.
20. The league will set up a system for collecting donations to combat both breast and prostate cancer. When a person buys a ticket for a game, he will be asked, “Do you wish to donate [X dollars] to breast cancer and prostate cancer research?” It's the fan's choice, and it does not affect his eligibility to buy the ticket either way. Same thing for signing up for the Sunday Ticket. The fan is given the opportunity to donate to those causes, and it's his choice. He will not be penalized for not donating. Every cent of these donations will go to the charities. The team will do this, and will discontinue wearing the stupid pink-colored stuff that supposedly “raises awareness.” We'll raise awareness via the optional donation program, and not by making players look stupid on the field. Also, funding prostate cancer research is just as important as funding breast cancer research.
21. The league will no longer regard cannabis as a performance-enhancing drug, nor will it test for its use, nor will it prohibit its use, except for at game time.
22. Amber Heard is prohibited from attending any NFL game.
Some of these are repeats from previous years, but I've updated my demands with some new ones.
1. Repeal the 1978 bump and run rule! This is still the rule that I hate most. There should be no such penalty as “illegal contact.” Before '78, a defensive back could rough up a receiver all he wanted, as long as he didn't hold, until the ball was in the air. This '78 rule handicaps in favor of the offense. We don't need back-and-forth scoring for this to be a good game. Repeal this rule. It's the worst one the NFL has ever dreamed up.
2. Onside kicks only have to travel 5 yards before they can be recovered.
3. No more touchbacks on kickoffs coming out to the 25. They come out to the 20.
4. If a player fair catches a punt or kickoff in the field of play, it is spotted where he caught it. It does not come out to the 25 or to the 20. A touchback happens only if he catches the ball in his own endzone and downs it, or if the ball goes out of the back of the endzone, in which case it comes out to the 20, NOT to the 25.
5. PI and non-PI calls are challengeable. However, this will not be done the ridiculous way it was attempted before with some kind of language like, “Overturn only egregious mistakes.” It's simple. If the replay shows that the defender touched the receiver before the ball got there, while he was not looking back for the football, it's pass interference. If the defender arrives simultaneously with the ball, or after the ball, it's not pass interference. As with any review, the call on the field can only be overturned via incontrovertible proof. If it's unclear, the call on the field stands. There's no need for this to be complicated.
6. Three-point conversion. After scoring a touchdown, a team can try for a 1-point, a 2-point, or a 3-point conversion. The 3-point conversion is exactly like a 2-point one, except that it's from the 50-yard line. Thus, if a team is down by 9 points with little time left, it's possible for it to win without doing an onsides kick. It could score a TD and then a 3-point conversion to send it into overtime.
7. If a team wishes to call a timeout before the other team attempts a field goal, it must call that timeout at least 15 seconds before the ball is kicked. No more calling timeout the instant before he kicks it.
8. The Kenny Stabler rule is repealed. Currently, in the last two minutes of either half, a fumble can only be recovered and advanced by the player who fumbled. This has resulted in some absurd plays. For example, in 2014 (circa) Aaron Rodgers fumbled in his own endzone, but his running back recovered it and ran it out to the two yard-line, thus avoiding the safety. Oops! Thanks to this bad rule, it was a safety anyway. Any player who recovers a fumble, and is not down, should be able to advance the ball at any point in the game. The Stabler rule was meant to prevent absurd plays where a team scores from a deliberate fumble. However, the refs in that particular Oakland Raiders game didn't even call the play correctly according to the rules at the time. The replay clearly shows that Stabler threw and underhanded forward pass, which should have simply been ruled and incomplete pass when it hit the turf. End this ridiculous restriction on fumble recoveries.
9. An attempted field goal which hits either upright and bounces out is a one-point score named a “postgoal.”
10. The NFL is doing a forced buyout of the Philadelphia Eagles. The team is to be relocated to Nebraska and is to be renamed the Nebraska Neanderthals.
11. The City of Philadelphia is forever banned from owning another NFL team on the grounds that that city's fans are too unclassy and undeserving of a team. The NFL is in negotiation with the MBA, the NHL, and the MLB to remove its teams from Philly as well, under the grounds that Philadelphians don't deserve any major sports team due to being unsportsmanlike thugs.
12. The NFL is to establish a quarterback salary cap in order to prevent the overpaying of quarterbacks and the underpaying of other positions.
13. If a team successfully challenges a ruling on the field, the team is not charged a timeout and it retains its challenges.
14. If a player makes an obscene hand gesture to the crowd, the refs may kick him out of the game.
15. The NFL Draft will be held every year in Omaha, Nebraska.
16. As lime green is the ugliest color in existence, all NFL teams are prohibited from using it in their uniforms or helmets. (Seahawks, this means you: Redesign your fugly uniforms.)
17. Players are no longer obligated to speak to reporters. All interviews are voluntary. It's a player's choice whether or not to participate in interviews.
18. Every home team is to set up a space outside its locker room for doing interviews. Any reporter, regardless of gender, may interview players there.
19. All reporters are prohibited from entering any team's locker room.
20. The league will set up a system for collecting donations to combat both breast and prostate cancer. When a person buys a ticket for a game, he will be asked, “Do you wish to donate [X dollars] to breast cancer and prostate cancer research?” It's the fan's choice, and it does not affect his eligibility to buy the ticket either way. Same thing for signing up for the Sunday Ticket. The fan is given the opportunity to donate to those causes, and it's his choice. He will not be penalized for not donating. Every cent of these donations will go to the charities. The team will do this, and will discontinue wearing the stupid pink-colored stuff that supposedly “raises awareness.” We'll raise awareness via the optional donation program, and not by making players look stupid on the field. Also, funding prostate cancer research is just as important as funding breast cancer research.
21. The league will no longer regard cannabis as a performance-enhancing drug, nor will it test for its use, nor will it prohibit its use, except for at game time.
22. Amber Heard is prohibited from attending any NFL game.
