Reverend Conehead
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I recently got back from a trip in my time machine. I went back 500,000 years to visit some Neanderthals. I want to find one to play on the Dallas Cowboys D-line. Turns out, Neanderthals had superb upper- and lower-body strength, much more so than we homo sapiens. If we could have a Neanderthal defensive end, it would make Charles Haley look like a junior varsity player.
So I went back in time and visited the caves of Europe and met this Neanderthal named Hoo-Gloop. He was insanely strong. I imagined him crashing through other teams' O-lines, totally disrupting anything they tried to do.
So I brought him back with me, and I've been busy teaching him English. However, it's been quite the ordeal. I'm pulling my hair out. My cat is terrified of him, and rightfully so. One day, I was returning from shopping, and I found him holding up my cat about to eat her. Fortunately, I rescued her. Then one day I was cooking up a steak in my frying pan, and he reached in with his bare hands and took it and ate it raw. When he farts, it's so powerful that it propels him through the air like a rocket. There's a silhouette outline of his body in the drywall where he crashed through. Now I owe my landlord for the repairs.
I had Hoo-Gloop working with a retired University of Nebraska football trainer, trying to get him to understand the sport. We tried to get him to run and slam into a tackle dummy, but he ran up to it, picked it up,and threw it. It crashed through the brick wall of UNL's training facility. Now I owe them money for the repairs.
I hope that by the 2024 season, he can play for the Cowboys, but it's going to be tough. Hoo-Gloop is his only name, and so I said that would be his last name, and I gave him a first. I'm hoping that the Cowboys sign Bartholomew Hoo-Gloop to the team next season. I hope it's possible. It's been way tougher than I thought to teach a Neanderthal the sport of football. But I think he'll be the greatest D-lineman to ever have played the game if I can just succeed in teaching him.
I welcome your suggestions. Thanks.
So I went back in time and visited the caves of Europe and met this Neanderthal named Hoo-Gloop. He was insanely strong. I imagined him crashing through other teams' O-lines, totally disrupting anything they tried to do.
So I brought him back with me, and I've been busy teaching him English. However, it's been quite the ordeal. I'm pulling my hair out. My cat is terrified of him, and rightfully so. One day, I was returning from shopping, and I found him holding up my cat about to eat her. Fortunately, I rescued her. Then one day I was cooking up a steak in my frying pan, and he reached in with his bare hands and took it and ate it raw. When he farts, it's so powerful that it propels him through the air like a rocket. There's a silhouette outline of his body in the drywall where he crashed through. Now I owe my landlord for the repairs.
I had Hoo-Gloop working with a retired University of Nebraska football trainer, trying to get him to understand the sport. We tried to get him to run and slam into a tackle dummy, but he ran up to it, picked it up,and threw it. It crashed through the brick wall of UNL's training facility. Now I owe them money for the repairs.
I hope that by the 2024 season, he can play for the Cowboys, but it's going to be tough. Hoo-Gloop is his only name, and so I said that would be his last name, and I gave him a first. I'm hoping that the Cowboys sign Bartholomew Hoo-Gloop to the team next season. I hope it's possible. It's been way tougher than I thought to teach a Neanderthal the sport of football. But I think he'll be the greatest D-lineman to ever have played the game if I can just succeed in teaching him.
I welcome your suggestions. Thanks.