Why the Vikings will win the Super Bowl soon

[Reverend Conehead]

The Vikings have a Super Bowl victory in their near future, not this year, of course, but soon. Their problems are my fault. When I was 8 years old, I attended the 1973 NFC Championship game, which was the Vikings versus the Cowboys. I was super excited about my Cowboys winning and advancing to the Super Bowl. However, as you know, it was the Vikings day that day. They won convincingly and went on the play the Dolphins in Super Bowl 8. I was really upset, especially since this Vikings fan kid kept raising up his Vikings banner every time the Vikings did something good.

So I went home after the game and got this little plastic Vikings football helmet that I got out of a gumball machine, and I made a voodoo doll out of it. Then I stuck a needle in it and said, "I curse the Minnesota Vikings to never win the Super Bowl." Turns out, my curse worked! However, year after year, I kept seeing my friends and family from Minnesota get all bummed out about never winning the Super Bowl, even in years when they had a great team that looked unstoppable. Seeing them all upset for so long made me start to feel really guilty.

So, finally, just this past week, I decided to do something about that incredibly selfish act I did back in '73. I searched all over E-Bay until I found a vintage plastic gumball helmet of the Vikings, exactly like the one I had back then. I re-created that voodoo doll and said several incantations to lift the curse. Then, after that, I put a blessing on the team to win the Super Bowl in the near future at least twice.

I'm really sorry for my thoughtless act of cursing the Vikings. I was only 8 and didn't realize how selfish I was being or how much that would hurt people who love that team. The Vikings won that '73 NFC Championship fair and square. It's all my fault that they went on to lose Super Bowl 8, and those two Super Bowls after that, as well as those close calls like the that NFC Championship against Atlanta. The only one that's not my fault is Super Bowl 4, which the Vikes lost on their own, pre-curse.

I hope Vikings fans accept my apologies for cursing their team, and I hope my new blessing makes up for it. If you run into any Vikings fans, you can tell them who the jerk is who cursed their team, but that better days are ahead soon.

 

[Streifenkarl]

I'd rather have you renew your curse than revoke it. One down, thirty to go. If it worked, why stop there? SF next. Oh, and hurry up please. Could be useful in the foreseeable future.

 

[nightrain]

So, they will make the playoffs and not lose in the 1st round soon?

 

[Reverend Conehead]

I'd rather have you renew your curse than revoke it. One down, thirty to go. If it worked, why stop there? SF next. Oh, and hurry up please. Could be useful in the foreseeable future.

Nah, don't need the Vikings curse anymore, but did my Eagles curse work or what?

 

[VaqueroTD]

We're on to your type Rev.

Other extremely dangerous individuals to be on the lookout for.

ALIAS: Joanne "Buffalo Lady" Lewkinski
CRIME: Accidentally cursed her beloved Bills in anger when they traded away OJ Simpson, and she swore the team would never win a Super Bowl again until Hertz had a rental car agency in every airport in the world.

ALIAS: Lou Anderson
CRIME: Mad at a bet gone bad in 1957, Lou accidentally cursed the Lions to never again go to an NFL Championship, when he hexed them with a curse that relied on pre-merger NFL/AFL conditions to make it go away.

ALIAS: Frank "Rabes" Jones (Recent crime!)
CRIME: So pumped at the 2014 NFL Draft, accidentally told his pal: "If this Manziel kid doesn't go to at least one Pro Bowl, as God as my witness, you can curse the Browns to never reach the AFC Championship again!"