ShroomytheFrog
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forget the measurables – the 40 times, the short shuttle, and bench reps. forget college production. skip the wunderlich test, the wonderic test, and the wonderlick test. ignore interviews. if you want a good draft, go after the players with the best names, and don’t stray....
QBs: Due to a weak crop of names, no QBs make the list. Josh Swogger couldn’t quite clear the hurdle.
RBs: O, we have a group of RBs this year –
Osagie Osunde
Obi Oluigbo
Orenthal O’neal
and, finally,
oGarrett oWolfe
TEs:
Samuel Smith – Soft hands, fluid, and makes a world-class beer. (Seriously, the Oatmeal Stout is stellar!)
J.J. Hair – ‘nuff said.
WRs:
Johnny Lee Higgins Jr. – If a team were to draft him and U of Tennessee backup QB Jim Bob Cooter... WAIT! One QB DOES make the list – JIM BOB COOTER! Jim Bob Cooter to Johnny Lee Higgins Jr. – TOUCHDOWN!!!
Chansi Stuckey – Hell, EVERY Stuckey’s I’ve ever been in has been Chansi at best. Except the Pecan Logs – those are top shelf.
Brad Ekwerekwu – Hilarious name! Brad! Where did they come up with Brad?
Patrick Bugg – almost didn’t make the list because he’s 6’4 and runs a 4.54. A receiver named Bugg should be about 5’7 and run 4.28, imo. Still a good name.
Legedu Naanee – There is only one possible explanation for a name like this: Time travelers. They’re coming back in time and planting these kids and their fake names just so they can make my list. It’s the only reasonable explanation.
OL:
Tony Ugoh – rhymes with Thuggo. or if he’s a bust, Uh-oh!
Ben Grubbs – grub: v. 1. To dig up by the roots. 2. To work hard -n. 1. The thick, wormlike larva of certain insects. 2. Slang, Food. Sounds like an O-lineman to me.
Palauni Ma Sun Jr. – Exceptional. Really. Every part of his name would make the list by itself but, like the Beatles, these names come together to make something special. (begins slow clap)
Mansfield Wrotto – I love this name for an Olineman. It’s classy and guttural, aristocratic and macho. Works with wine or malt liquor.
Samson Satele – Alliterative and, literally, a strong name. I know the biblical hippy had a “p” in his name, which raises an important theological question: should we include near-spellings of biblically appropriate figures? Should a DT named Bob Golieth make the list? Or a kicker named Poncho Pilate (“He nailed it!”)? Or a center named Dan Mozes? Oh well, we’ll probably never have to deal with these deep issues...
Dan Mozes – D’oh! Well, Mozes makes the list for sure! Every time he opens a hole for a good running play the announcer can say “Mozes just parted the Red Sea and let his people through!” and could include “to the Promised Land!” or use that one separately. (Note: There’s a Quentin Moses – DE from Georgia – in this draft as well. He’s not going to make the list even though he spells Moses correctly and has the cooler first name. Sorry, Quentin – if you wanted on, you should’ve played offense [the Red Sea is clearly the obstacle to get through, which is obviously offense] or changed your name to Joshua Jericho, which would be a better defensive lineman’s name.)
DL:
Xzavie Jackson – If only you could use proper names in Scrabble, you couldn’t do much better than Xzavie.
Mkristo Bruce – wait... Mkristo is seven letters! Plus 50 points! Eat it, Xzavie!
C.J. Ah You – And now for the interactive portion of the list: Write your own clever quip about C.J. Ah You and post it below. Many will enter, few will win. Make that few will enter, and I don’t really have a prize. But you’ll be a winner in life. Or your money back.
Quentin Moses – I know I said I wasn’t going to include him on this list. I lied! What, is there some sort of commandment against that?
LBs:
Paul Posluszny - Now we’re talking! You KNOW this guys is tough, just from his name. I hear Paul Posluszny and I immediately get an image of a guy playing football despite being in a recent nail-gun accident, nail still over his right eye and bleeding everywhere. Does Posluszny care? Posluszny does not!
H.B. Blades – Coming this fall - H.B. Blades: Extra-Terrestrial Terrorist Hunter. Starring Lorenzo Lamas as H.B. Blades. Only on that network that used to be the WB!
Nu’u Tafisi – Much better than the O’old Tafisi.
Pago Togafau – The last name to make the list, beating out Amobi Okoye, Ola Dagunduro, Sam Olajubutu, Ikaika Alama-Francis and Larry Birdine. It’s the funnest name to say of those, so grats to Pago!
DBs:
Eric Frampton – Sometimes a great name is less about the name itself and more about what ESPN announcers can do with the name. And you know that Chris Berman will be waiting for this kid to make a play so he can scream “FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE!”
Sabby Piscitelli – Mama Mia! Questo nome molto italiano non è appena etnico; è molto molto buon. (translated by Babel Fish, but I have no idea if this makes sense in any language)
Travarous Bain – Evil Martian Terrorist fighting H.B. Blades while the fate of the universe itself hangs in the balance! Played by Rutger Hauer. Only on that network that used to be UPN.
Chinedum Ndukwe – Time Travelers, I tell you! TIME TRAVELERS!
Well, between the time travelers and the extra-terrestrial terrorists, I’d better go put on my tinfoil hat and get ready for draft weekend. Enjoy the absurdity, everybody!
QBs: Due to a weak crop of names, no QBs make the list. Josh Swogger couldn’t quite clear the hurdle.
RBs: O, we have a group of RBs this year –
Osagie Osunde
Obi Oluigbo
Orenthal O’neal
and, finally,
oGarrett oWolfe
TEs:
Samuel Smith – Soft hands, fluid, and makes a world-class beer. (Seriously, the Oatmeal Stout is stellar!)
J.J. Hair – ‘nuff said.
WRs:
Johnny Lee Higgins Jr. – If a team were to draft him and U of Tennessee backup QB Jim Bob Cooter... WAIT! One QB DOES make the list – JIM BOB COOTER! Jim Bob Cooter to Johnny Lee Higgins Jr. – TOUCHDOWN!!!
Chansi Stuckey – Hell, EVERY Stuckey’s I’ve ever been in has been Chansi at best. Except the Pecan Logs – those are top shelf.
Brad Ekwerekwu – Hilarious name! Brad! Where did they come up with Brad?
Patrick Bugg – almost didn’t make the list because he’s 6’4 and runs a 4.54. A receiver named Bugg should be about 5’7 and run 4.28, imo. Still a good name.
Legedu Naanee – There is only one possible explanation for a name like this: Time travelers. They’re coming back in time and planting these kids and their fake names just so they can make my list. It’s the only reasonable explanation.
OL:
Tony Ugoh – rhymes with Thuggo. or if he’s a bust, Uh-oh!
Ben Grubbs – grub: v. 1. To dig up by the roots. 2. To work hard -n. 1. The thick, wormlike larva of certain insects. 2. Slang, Food. Sounds like an O-lineman to me.
Palauni Ma Sun Jr. – Exceptional. Really. Every part of his name would make the list by itself but, like the Beatles, these names come together to make something special. (begins slow clap)
Mansfield Wrotto – I love this name for an Olineman. It’s classy and guttural, aristocratic and macho. Works with wine or malt liquor.
Samson Satele – Alliterative and, literally, a strong name. I know the biblical hippy had a “p” in his name, which raises an important theological question: should we include near-spellings of biblically appropriate figures? Should a DT named Bob Golieth make the list? Or a kicker named Poncho Pilate (“He nailed it!”)? Or a center named Dan Mozes? Oh well, we’ll probably never have to deal with these deep issues...
Dan Mozes – D’oh! Well, Mozes makes the list for sure! Every time he opens a hole for a good running play the announcer can say “Mozes just parted the Red Sea and let his people through!” and could include “to the Promised Land!” or use that one separately. (Note: There’s a Quentin Moses – DE from Georgia – in this draft as well. He’s not going to make the list even though he spells Moses correctly and has the cooler first name. Sorry, Quentin – if you wanted on, you should’ve played offense [the Red Sea is clearly the obstacle to get through, which is obviously offense] or changed your name to Joshua Jericho, which would be a better defensive lineman’s name.)
DL:
Xzavie Jackson – If only you could use proper names in Scrabble, you couldn’t do much better than Xzavie.
Mkristo Bruce – wait... Mkristo is seven letters! Plus 50 points! Eat it, Xzavie!
C.J. Ah You – And now for the interactive portion of the list: Write your own clever quip about C.J. Ah You and post it below. Many will enter, few will win. Make that few will enter, and I don’t really have a prize. But you’ll be a winner in life. Or your money back.
Quentin Moses – I know I said I wasn’t going to include him on this list. I lied! What, is there some sort of commandment against that?
LBs:
Paul Posluszny - Now we’re talking! You KNOW this guys is tough, just from his name. I hear Paul Posluszny and I immediately get an image of a guy playing football despite being in a recent nail-gun accident, nail still over his right eye and bleeding everywhere. Does Posluszny care? Posluszny does not!
H.B. Blades – Coming this fall - H.B. Blades: Extra-Terrestrial Terrorist Hunter. Starring Lorenzo Lamas as H.B. Blades. Only on that network that used to be the WB!
Nu’u Tafisi – Much better than the O’old Tafisi.
Pago Togafau – The last name to make the list, beating out Amobi Okoye, Ola Dagunduro, Sam Olajubutu, Ikaika Alama-Francis and Larry Birdine. It’s the funnest name to say of those, so grats to Pago!
DBs:
Eric Frampton – Sometimes a great name is less about the name itself and more about what ESPN announcers can do with the name. And you know that Chris Berman will be waiting for this kid to make a play so he can scream “FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE!”
Sabby Piscitelli – Mama Mia! Questo nome molto italiano non è appena etnico; è molto molto buon. (translated by Babel Fish, but I have no idea if this makes sense in any language)
Travarous Bain – Evil Martian Terrorist fighting H.B. Blades while the fate of the universe itself hangs in the balance! Played by Rutger Hauer. Only on that network that used to be UPN.
Chinedum Ndukwe – Time Travelers, I tell you! TIME TRAVELERS!
Well, between the time travelers and the extra-terrestrial terrorists, I’d better go put on my tinfoil hat and get ready for draft weekend. Enjoy the absurdity, everybody!
