trickblue
Not Old School...Old Testament...
- Messages
- 31,439
- Reaction score
- 3,961
PEEPING TOM
Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob. "That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
BAGPIPE
Q: What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?
A: With a pitchfork.
PREGNANT
"Oh, Mom!" sobbed Mary, "I'm pregnant!" "What? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?" The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed, "How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"
FRIDGE
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on the cucumbers.
BIKER BAR
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans over one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"
SOMETHING CLEVER
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something clever?
A: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
FUNNY PEOPLE
Some people are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
NEWBORN
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep," says Slim. "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
SMART
Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.
BROTHEL STOP
A trucker who's been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
BOSSES
Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top they become a$$es.
WHINING
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
THE DIFFERENCE
What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker? The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Why do women do ANYTHING?
PRAYING
Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.
Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob. "That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
BAGPIPE
Q: What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?
A: With a pitchfork.
PREGNANT
"Oh, Mom!" sobbed Mary, "I'm pregnant!" "What? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?" The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed, "How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"
FRIDGE
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on the cucumbers.
BIKER BAR
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans over one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"
SOMETHING CLEVER
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something clever?
A: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
FUNNY PEOPLE
Some people are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
NEWBORN
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep," says Slim. "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
SMART
Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.
BROTHEL STOP
A trucker who's been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
BOSSES
Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top they become a$$es.
WHINING
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
THE DIFFERENCE
What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker? The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Why do women do ANYTHING?
PRAYING
Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.
........
