Hostile
The Duke
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I had no intentions of sharing these threads here any more, but I don't talk about football much in this piece, and it's going to be out there anyway. On another site a fan shared a story similar to Josh Brent's and Jerry Brown's. My hope is that if anyone else wants to they will. The team has to heal, so do we as fans in a different way. This is my way.
I know so many people who don't understand my passion for sports, especially football. Until you have been in a locker room, laced up pads, and gone to fight with each other it is hard to understand. I never lost a teammate like the Cowboys did yesterday. The closest I come to it was in HS our team manager had leukemia and died from it. But that was a year after I graduated and just a few weeks before he was supposed to throw his mortar board hat in the air himself. At the end of his life he was begging for the morphine shots and his Dad knew the shots were hastening his death, but knew Phillip wasn't going to recover.
Those emotions still get to me. I lost it when they gave him his degree posthumously. Genuinely lost it. Had to leave so people didn't see me crying. Even now as I write this it hits me. Phillip was a team manager. A guy who taped our ankles and squirted water in our mouths on the sidelines or in the huddle so we could stay hydrated. He threw us towels to wipe the sweat off our faces. He was our Gunga Din. Not someone who got out there and pounded on the other guys with us, and as I said it was a full year after I had already graduated.
That is how close emotionally a team can be. Jerry Brown was a Practice Squad player. He wasn't a star any more. He was an NFL version of Rudy; a guy who was there to work the active players into a frenzy and hone them, sharpen them, and through busting his butt maybe get his own chance to run out of that tunnel with a star on his hat, and have his family scream with delight.
Jason Garrett talking about Josh Brent's joy and endorsement of acquiring Jerry Brown hit me like a ton of bricks. I can hear him and see him jumping up and down, "That's my boy. That's my boy. He can play." Contrast that to his emotions right now. That's still his boy, but his boy can no longer play. Just like Phillip is still my team manager. He wasn't the only guy who ever taped my ankles, squirted water into my mouth, or threw me a towel, but he's the only one I remember. Mostly because we all knew what he was facing. We admired him. Admired his sense of humor and his zest for life.
From all accounts so far Jerry Brown had that too. Tony Romo said he had personally told Brown that if he kept working as hard as he was that he was going to see the chance of his dreams come. Now, he never will, and the best friend he had in the world has to live with that for the rest of his life.
Often I wish I had the opportunities that these guys do to live my dream of playing for the Cowboys. I wonder how they could be so stupid and ruin their chance. Right now, there is no way on this earth that I would trade places with Josh Brent. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the trials and penalties he may be facing. It has to do with what he has to live with. I can't fathom it. I can't wrap my head around how you live with that.
Many years ago I was driving my car on a 3 lane street. I was in the right lane and it had very little traffic. The two lanes to my left had lots of it, and at one point I was passing several cars who from my vantage point had stopped due to the traffic ahead. There was a very small gap and it was right at a crosswalk. I could not see the girl carrying a violin case who stepped right in front of me as I was passing them.
I slammed on the brakes as hard as I could. It was too late to stop before I would hit her. Luckily for me she sensed the danger and ran just enough so that I missed her by probably less than 3 inches. It is the closest I have ever come to potentially killing or crippling a human being. I pulled my car into the parking lot and drove back around to her to make sure she was really okay. It scared both of us. She admitted she should have looked to make sure no cars were coming in the open travel lane and I admitted I should have noticed the crosswalk and wondered if someone might be there. To this day I can't fathom how I could have lived with the guilt if I hurt or killed her, and I was alcohol free.
I've heard rumors people are worried Josh Brent will kill himself. Oh how I hope he doesn't take that road, because it does not solve anything. Oh how I think I would understand it, because he has to be hating himself and everything he is. It is worse because he screwed up once before like this. Luckily for him no one died that day. This time his best friend did. It's hard enough to lose someone you love like a family member or best friend without it being your fault.
One of two things might happen here. Josh Brent may either lapse completely into depression and alcoholism due to his guilt. Or he might completely change his life, give up the night life, alcohol, and decide to do all he can for his best friend's coming child. There are many who hope his career is over. I can't. The possibility of him playing next week has not come up yet, but I hope he dedicates the rest of his career to his friend's memory and provides the child a paid for college education. It can't substitute for a Father, but it might help another young man heal.
Whether we want to admit it or not, there were two of our players in that car. Neither should have been. We can agree with that all day long. But they were and now one of them is gone and the other has to live with it for the rest of his life. I can't fathom it. I don't want to.
I've never been prouder of my favorite football team than I am right now. Not even Super Bowl victories have me as proud as I am of them right now. It's going to be a tough week and this team won. But they lost so much more than a football game. They lost someone who was a part of them. Jerry Brown wasn't just a Practice Squad guy to this team. If you doubt that then you need to see the emotion come out when Rob Ryan hugged Jason Garrett. You need to see the clip of Jason Garrett hugging Jason Hatcher as he held up Jerry's jersey. You need to see DeMarcus Ware holding that jersey high in his left hand as he ran off the field. You need to hear Jason Garrett's voice break as he tells the story about Jerry Brown beating him to the punch to ask him how he was doing. You need to know why the team is giving the game ball to Jerry Brown's Mom.
We sit behind computer monitors and share how we feel about players we like and dislike on this football team in an immune, sterile atmosphere. You and I aren't accountable to each other. We can agree to disagree, or decide that each other don't matter and vow to never have anything to do with each other ever again. On a football team there are no such luxuries or privileges. It really is a brotherhood like few can understand unless they've been in the locker room with a team.
I believe a locker room is simultaneously the most irreverent and most sacred place I have ever been. That may sound like a strange dichotomy or oxymoron to some people, but I bet most who ever played know exactly what I mean. It is irreverent because nothing is off limits. It is sacred because of the fierce loyalty. I had a teammate openly joke about my mother lying to me about who my father was. Everyone was laughing. Hell, I was laughing. Away from the locker room or huddle if someone says something like that it's an invitation to a fight. At the same time two guys can get into a fight in practice and then defend each other if someone on the other team tries to fight the same guy. You forget the practice squabbles. You never forget the humor, good times, and person.
That's where the Cowboys are this week. Reporters are going to ask questions. They have to. That is their job. The reactions they get from this team will be the most real answers they will get all season. Some may not be able to answer. There's a service for Jerry Brown planned for Tuesday by the team. No one will be absent. Josh Brent will be there soaking up support from his teammates. He will never feel more support for the rest of his life. He'd trade it all to take back what happened, and he can't.
Rest in Peace Jerry Brown. I wish we as fans had got to know you the same way your team did.
****************
I know so many people who don't understand my passion for sports, especially football. Until you have been in a locker room, laced up pads, and gone to fight with each other it is hard to understand. I never lost a teammate like the Cowboys did yesterday. The closest I come to it was in HS our team manager had leukemia and died from it. But that was a year after I graduated and just a few weeks before he was supposed to throw his mortar board hat in the air himself. At the end of his life he was begging for the morphine shots and his Dad knew the shots were hastening his death, but knew Phillip wasn't going to recover.
Those emotions still get to me. I lost it when they gave him his degree posthumously. Genuinely lost it. Had to leave so people didn't see me crying. Even now as I write this it hits me. Phillip was a team manager. A guy who taped our ankles and squirted water in our mouths on the sidelines or in the huddle so we could stay hydrated. He threw us towels to wipe the sweat off our faces. He was our Gunga Din. Not someone who got out there and pounded on the other guys with us, and as I said it was a full year after I had already graduated.
That is how close emotionally a team can be. Jerry Brown was a Practice Squad player. He wasn't a star any more. He was an NFL version of Rudy; a guy who was there to work the active players into a frenzy and hone them, sharpen them, and through busting his butt maybe get his own chance to run out of that tunnel with a star on his hat, and have his family scream with delight.
Jason Garrett talking about Josh Brent's joy and endorsement of acquiring Jerry Brown hit me like a ton of bricks. I can hear him and see him jumping up and down, "That's my boy. That's my boy. He can play." Contrast that to his emotions right now. That's still his boy, but his boy can no longer play. Just like Phillip is still my team manager. He wasn't the only guy who ever taped my ankles, squirted water into my mouth, or threw me a towel, but he's the only one I remember. Mostly because we all knew what he was facing. We admired him. Admired his sense of humor and his zest for life.
From all accounts so far Jerry Brown had that too. Tony Romo said he had personally told Brown that if he kept working as hard as he was that he was going to see the chance of his dreams come. Now, he never will, and the best friend he had in the world has to live with that for the rest of his life.
Often I wish I had the opportunities that these guys do to live my dream of playing for the Cowboys. I wonder how they could be so stupid and ruin their chance. Right now, there is no way on this earth that I would trade places with Josh Brent. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the trials and penalties he may be facing. It has to do with what he has to live with. I can't fathom it. I can't wrap my head around how you live with that.
Many years ago I was driving my car on a 3 lane street. I was in the right lane and it had very little traffic. The two lanes to my left had lots of it, and at one point I was passing several cars who from my vantage point had stopped due to the traffic ahead. There was a very small gap and it was right at a crosswalk. I could not see the girl carrying a violin case who stepped right in front of me as I was passing them.
I slammed on the brakes as hard as I could. It was too late to stop before I would hit her. Luckily for me she sensed the danger and ran just enough so that I missed her by probably less than 3 inches. It is the closest I have ever come to potentially killing or crippling a human being. I pulled my car into the parking lot and drove back around to her to make sure she was really okay. It scared both of us. She admitted she should have looked to make sure no cars were coming in the open travel lane and I admitted I should have noticed the crosswalk and wondered if someone might be there. To this day I can't fathom how I could have lived with the guilt if I hurt or killed her, and I was alcohol free.
I've heard rumors people are worried Josh Brent will kill himself. Oh how I hope he doesn't take that road, because it does not solve anything. Oh how I think I would understand it, because he has to be hating himself and everything he is. It is worse because he screwed up once before like this. Luckily for him no one died that day. This time his best friend did. It's hard enough to lose someone you love like a family member or best friend without it being your fault.
One of two things might happen here. Josh Brent may either lapse completely into depression and alcoholism due to his guilt. Or he might completely change his life, give up the night life, alcohol, and decide to do all he can for his best friend's coming child. There are many who hope his career is over. I can't. The possibility of him playing next week has not come up yet, but I hope he dedicates the rest of his career to his friend's memory and provides the child a paid for college education. It can't substitute for a Father, but it might help another young man heal.
Whether we want to admit it or not, there were two of our players in that car. Neither should have been. We can agree with that all day long. But they were and now one of them is gone and the other has to live with it for the rest of his life. I can't fathom it. I don't want to.
I've never been prouder of my favorite football team than I am right now. Not even Super Bowl victories have me as proud as I am of them right now. It's going to be a tough week and this team won. But they lost so much more than a football game. They lost someone who was a part of them. Jerry Brown wasn't just a Practice Squad guy to this team. If you doubt that then you need to see the emotion come out when Rob Ryan hugged Jason Garrett. You need to see the clip of Jason Garrett hugging Jason Hatcher as he held up Jerry's jersey. You need to see DeMarcus Ware holding that jersey high in his left hand as he ran off the field. You need to hear Jason Garrett's voice break as he tells the story about Jerry Brown beating him to the punch to ask him how he was doing. You need to know why the team is giving the game ball to Jerry Brown's Mom.
We sit behind computer monitors and share how we feel about players we like and dislike on this football team in an immune, sterile atmosphere. You and I aren't accountable to each other. We can agree to disagree, or decide that each other don't matter and vow to never have anything to do with each other ever again. On a football team there are no such luxuries or privileges. It really is a brotherhood like few can understand unless they've been in the locker room with a team.
I believe a locker room is simultaneously the most irreverent and most sacred place I have ever been. That may sound like a strange dichotomy or oxymoron to some people, but I bet most who ever played know exactly what I mean. It is irreverent because nothing is off limits. It is sacred because of the fierce loyalty. I had a teammate openly joke about my mother lying to me about who my father was. Everyone was laughing. Hell, I was laughing. Away from the locker room or huddle if someone says something like that it's an invitation to a fight. At the same time two guys can get into a fight in practice and then defend each other if someone on the other team tries to fight the same guy. You forget the practice squabbles. You never forget the humor, good times, and person.
That's where the Cowboys are this week. Reporters are going to ask questions. They have to. That is their job. The reactions they get from this team will be the most real answers they will get all season. Some may not be able to answer. There's a service for Jerry Brown planned for Tuesday by the team. No one will be absent. Josh Brent will be there soaking up support from his teammates. He will never feel more support for the rest of his life. He'd trade it all to take back what happened, and he can't.
Rest in Peace Jerry Brown. I wish we as fans had got to know you the same way your team did.
