Reverend Conehead
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You won't believe what I've heard via the intelligence grapevine. Amber Heard is hard at work in her basement building an anatomically correct android of me. That wicked, evil woman doesn't like my alliance with her ex, Johnny Depp, so she's pulling out all the stops to get back at me. I've gone into hiding at a secret location in hopes that she won't be able to find me. I think she plans to put me in a drug-induced coma and then send out the perfect android copy of me to live my life and in the process be hateful and insulting to all the people I care about. She'll get me fired from my job and blacklisted in the industry. He'll also get this woman I've been seeing, Michelle, all upset with me by making her think I've been cheating. Amber is all insanely jealous of Michelle. I think her plan all along was to break up with Johnny, stealing millions of his dollars via divorce, and then steal me from Michelle. So far she's been unable to do that because I'm smart enough to see that I have a way better woman than Amber. So she wants to send that android copy of me in to cheat on Michelle, mock her, and generally be obnoxious to her. Then when Amber wakes me up from my coma, my life will be in ruins.
There's nothing this wicked woman won't do to hurt me. I'm terrified. She's super angry, not just at my rejecting her in favor of Michelle, but also by the fact that I've been helping Johnny Depp to find a new girlfriend. In my social circles, I've been introducing him to various gorgeous women. When they realize it's Johnny Depp who's in movies, they're all, "Meh, that's kinda cute, I guess," but when they find out he knows me, they're all, "Seriously, you know Reverend Conehead?" and their eyes light up. I've just always had a way with women, so I figured I would help out my good bud, Johnny. Whenever I step outside my apartment, there are hoards of screaming women, some of whom flash me and others who throw their undergarments at me. I couldn't possibly take care of them all, so good ol' Johnny might as well benefit from knowing me.
But Amber can't stand any of this, so she's got it out for me. I worry that she'll soon have her android complete and she'll use it to put my life into shambles. I'm thinking maybe I need to use my time machine to go back in time and make sure her daddy joins the French Foreign Legion and gets shipped off to war and thus is never able to create Amber with her mother. That seems like a sensible plan of action, but I wanted to run it by you guys first. I'm really worried. But I'm sure this has happened to you.
There's nothing this wicked woman won't do to hurt me. I'm terrified. She's super angry, not just at my rejecting her in favor of Michelle, but also by the fact that I've been helping Johnny Depp to find a new girlfriend. In my social circles, I've been introducing him to various gorgeous women. When they realize it's Johnny Depp who's in movies, they're all, "Meh, that's kinda cute, I guess," but when they find out he knows me, they're all, "Seriously, you know Reverend Conehead?" and their eyes light up. I've just always had a way with women, so I figured I would help out my good bud, Johnny. Whenever I step outside my apartment, there are hoards of screaming women, some of whom flash me and others who throw their undergarments at me. I couldn't possibly take care of them all, so good ol' Johnny might as well benefit from knowing me.
But Amber can't stand any of this, so she's got it out for me. I worry that she'll soon have her android complete and she'll use it to put my life into shambles. I'm thinking maybe I need to use my time machine to go back in time and make sure her daddy joins the French Foreign Legion and gets shipped off to war and thus is never able to create Amber with her mother. That seems like a sensible plan of action, but I wanted to run it by you guys first. I'm really worried. But I'm sure this has happened to you.
