I gave up onions and beans years ago because the combination produced a tear gas effect which put a strain on my family and friends. I had an insatiable appetite for baked beans that began early in my childhood but I finally came to the realization after a traumatic experience on my 30th birthday that I had to give them up. I was out of town on business and had a 300 mile drive home. I called my wife and told her I would be home around 7 that night. As I was walking down the street to my car to head home I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand so I went in and before I knew it I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home I made sure that I released all the gas. When I finally arrived home my wife had a twinkle in her eye I could tell she had something planned for my birthday.
She exclaimed: “Honey I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I was kinda hoping she would lead me to the bedroom.
I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold the phone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity and shifted my weight to one leg and let one rip. It was not only loud but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then shifting to the other cheek I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation my wife was having on the phone in the other room I went on like this for another few minutes it was one blast after another. The pleasure was indescribable.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands feeling very relieved and content. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold and I assured her I hadn't. At this point she removed the blindfold and to my shock twelve dinner guests were all seated around the table three of which had lost consciousness and one was in the process of throwing up. The remaining 8 guests which included my parents and the pastor of my church shouted: “Happy Birthday!”
