Reverend Conehead
Well-Known Member
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I'm sick and tired of the salary cap holding this team back. We've signed the quarterback we drafted and now need, but that soaked up way too much cap money. So here's how you get around that CWRAP! You sign whatever expensive free agents you need for the league minimum and make up the rest of the dough via money laundering into shell corporations. I know it's too late to sign Ndomukong Suh, but we sign him next year for the league minimum. But did you know Suh,'s also into laser tag? So he sets up his own (wink, wink) laser tag business, and then Jerry delivers millions of dollars in cash over to it, and the Danny set up to run it launders it all into massive profits. So Suh gets his crappy, league-minimum paycheck from the Cowboys, and then his massive tens of millions of dollars from his nice laser tag business.
Whoever the next super pass rusher free agent has always wanted to own a chain of hair and nail salons in the Metroplex. He too signs for the league minimum and makes tens of millions from his "business." The next one ends up owning a chain of massively profitable car washes. You get the picture.
In the same way we get the league's best safety and every other position we need. We have Jerry practice in front of the mirror his "outraged" voice for if anyone questions this.
Jerry: (raspy, snarling outrage) How DARE anyone suggest that I had anything to do with money laundering. I hate money laundering and would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever do a thing like that in a kabizzillion zillion katrillion years, and anyone who would suggest otherwise is a communist terrorist Satan worshipper who tortures puppies and little kittens. HOW DARE YOU!!!! (snarl, snarl)
This is the solution to that stinking salary cap.
Whoever the next super pass rusher free agent has always wanted to own a chain of hair and nail salons in the Metroplex. He too signs for the league minimum and makes tens of millions from his "business." The next one ends up owning a chain of massively profitable car washes. You get the picture.
In the same way we get the league's best safety and every other position we need. We have Jerry practice in front of the mirror his "outraged" voice for if anyone questions this.
Jerry: (raspy, snarling outrage) How DARE anyone suggest that I had anything to do with money laundering. I hate money laundering and would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever do a thing like that in a kabizzillion zillion katrillion years, and anyone who would suggest otherwise is a communist terrorist Satan worshipper who tortures puppies and little kittens. HOW DARE YOU!!!! (snarl, snarl)
This is the solution to that stinking salary cap.
