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'Coach Janky Spanky' Draws Up Game Plan
Portis Dons Headset, Coaches Shorts
POSTED: 8:43 am EST January 6, 2006
UPDATED: 9:00 am EST January 6, 2006
ASHBURN, Va. -- Clinton Portis saved his funniest costume routine for the playoffs.
The Washington Commanders running back appeared as "Coach Janky Spanky" for his weekly Thursday meeting with reporters, wearing an inflatable coach's headset, huge false ears, a whistle and black shorts covering an enormous gut.
Portis had several laugh-out-loud moments and spent much of his time needling the Commanders' decision to give assistant coach Gregg Williams a new three-year contract.
Portis As 'Janky Spanky'
More Portis Costumes In Skins Image Gallery
"They should have hired me," said Portis, who then started diagramming plays on a clipboard.
"Coach Janky Spanky has seen that man Gregg Williams get that money for that job he took, and coach Janky Spanky, I took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl. And they paid him all that money? Guess what I make. Nothing."
Coach Spanky was asked how he would stop Clinton Portis.
"How would I stop Portis?" he said, diagramming some more. "This could cause me to get fired. Most teams have 11 players. I stick two extra Sean Taylors on the field. Get me 13 (players) and Portis is stopped."
Coach Spanky said the Florida winds should be used to get the ball to receiver Santana Moss in Saturday's playoff game at Tampa Bay. "If we can get the wind to catch that ball," he said, drawing another illustration.
And the rumor is that if Coach Spanky had his way, the team would practice in their underwear. An interesting strategy, but the coach has his reasons. When asked about the tactic, the coach wrote "No Contact" on his notepad for all to see.
"Most men ain't gonna touch each other in their underwear," Portis said, drawing a laugh from the crowd. "You can't get horse-collared. You might get a wedgie or something, but not horse-collared."
Coach Spanky blew his whistle when a reporter asked about the run-in between Portis' mother and an Eagles fan at last week's game. Portis said his mother fought back when she was apparently doused with beer.
"She's tough. She put it right here, baby," Portis said, pointing to his nose. "She's a Commander head to toe."
Coach Joe Gibbs has become a fan of Portis' act.
"I have a reputation for being a milquetoast, which I guess I am," Gibbs said. "But on our team, we've had Pete Cronan, we've had Dexter Manley and John Riggins. If you don't have character on your football team, it's going to be a miserable 16 weeks."
The Rundown
Costumes and characters from Portis at his Thursday meetings with reporters this season.
Week 4 -- Racquetball goggles. First sign that eccentric Thursdays were on the way. Week 5 -- Oversized, retro, mahogany-colored sunglasses, a star in the making as he prepared for his first game against his old team, Denver. "It's going to be like Hollywood," he said.
Week 7 -- Wild gray wig and rectangular-lensed, sci-fi glasses that made him look like Doc Brown from "Back to the Future." "I might as well keep a sense of humor because if I leave it up to you all, you're going to run me into the ground," he said.
Week 8 -- "Southeast Jerome." Flowing black cape, black Lone Ranger mask, clown-style oversized yellow sunglasses perched atop a shaggy black wig, and fake gold teeth. "You've heard of 'Vampire from Brooklyn'? We'll, I'm Jerome from Southeast D.C.," Portis said. "Going to the big city and night lights this week up there in New York City."
Week 9 -- "Dr. I Don't Know." Huge bright red-orange wig, pink ornamental glasses and a thick black Victorian-style mustache. Announces the death of "Southeast Jerome." "I did the autopsy on Southeast Jerome," he said. "These glasses were white, but mixing them with blood, it just so happened they turned pink."
Week 10 -- "Sheriff Gonna Getcha." Led Zeppelin shirt, bad teeth, big glasses and sheriff's star. Says he's going to Tampa to investigate the disappearance of "Southeast Jerome."
Week 11 -- "Dolla Bill." Lime green leisure suit with purple and black cuffs, sunglasses that spelled the word "cool," purple-spiked wig and fake jewelry.
Week 13 -- "Rev. Gonna Change." Black and white wig with red and black tie, goofy black glasses and fake gold teeth. Said he had planned to stop the dress-up routine because of the team's three-game losing streak. "As I told people I wasn't going to do it, it was like, 'We need something positive around here, keep a good attitude,"' he said. "It's just team morale."
Week 14 -- "Bro Sweets." Huge yellow wig, enormous yellow-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses -- and four arms. (Antonio Brown is standing behind him.) The extra arms are used to distribute jewelry and candy. Says his favorite candy bar is Payday because "It goes a long ways."
Week 15 -- Practice is rescheduled due to ice storm, so Portis appears without costume. "I had a great idea," he said. "It would have been great for Dallas week."
Week 16 -- "Inspector Two-Two." Fake nose and glasses and an old leather football helmet with blonde pigtails on top.
Week 17 -- "Southeast Jerome in Heaven." All-white angel outfit. Six other players stand by his side in various costumes. "I'm here in heaven with all my friends," Portis said.
Playoff week -- "Coach Janky Spanky." Says he should have been hired to run the defense instead of Gregg Williams. "I took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl," he said.
'Coach Janky Spanky' Draws Up Game Plan
Portis Dons Headset, Coaches Shorts
POSTED: 8:43 am EST January 6, 2006
UPDATED: 9:00 am EST January 6, 2006
ASHBURN, Va. -- Clinton Portis saved his funniest costume routine for the playoffs.
The Washington Commanders running back appeared as "Coach Janky Spanky" for his weekly Thursday meeting with reporters, wearing an inflatable coach's headset, huge false ears, a whistle and black shorts covering an enormous gut.
Portis had several laugh-out-loud moments and spent much of his time needling the Commanders' decision to give assistant coach Gregg Williams a new three-year contract.
Portis As 'Janky Spanky'
More Portis Costumes In Skins Image Gallery
"They should have hired me," said Portis, who then started diagramming plays on a clipboard.
"Coach Janky Spanky has seen that man Gregg Williams get that money for that job he took, and coach Janky Spanky, I took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl. And they paid him all that money? Guess what I make. Nothing."
Coach Spanky was asked how he would stop Clinton Portis.
"How would I stop Portis?" he said, diagramming some more. "This could cause me to get fired. Most teams have 11 players. I stick two extra Sean Taylors on the field. Get me 13 (players) and Portis is stopped."
Coach Spanky said the Florida winds should be used to get the ball to receiver Santana Moss in Saturday's playoff game at Tampa Bay. "If we can get the wind to catch that ball," he said, drawing another illustration.
And the rumor is that if Coach Spanky had his way, the team would practice in their underwear. An interesting strategy, but the coach has his reasons. When asked about the tactic, the coach wrote "No Contact" on his notepad for all to see.
"Most men ain't gonna touch each other in their underwear," Portis said, drawing a laugh from the crowd. "You can't get horse-collared. You might get a wedgie or something, but not horse-collared."
Coach Spanky blew his whistle when a reporter asked about the run-in between Portis' mother and an Eagles fan at last week's game. Portis said his mother fought back when she was apparently doused with beer.
"She's tough. She put it right here, baby," Portis said, pointing to his nose. "She's a Commander head to toe."
Coach Joe Gibbs has become a fan of Portis' act.
"I have a reputation for being a milquetoast, which I guess I am," Gibbs said. "But on our team, we've had Pete Cronan, we've had Dexter Manley and John Riggins. If you don't have character on your football team, it's going to be a miserable 16 weeks."
The Rundown
Costumes and characters from Portis at his Thursday meetings with reporters this season.
Week 4 -- Racquetball goggles. First sign that eccentric Thursdays were on the way. Week 5 -- Oversized, retro, mahogany-colored sunglasses, a star in the making as he prepared for his first game against his old team, Denver. "It's going to be like Hollywood," he said.
Week 7 -- Wild gray wig and rectangular-lensed, sci-fi glasses that made him look like Doc Brown from "Back to the Future." "I might as well keep a sense of humor because if I leave it up to you all, you're going to run me into the ground," he said.
Week 8 -- "Southeast Jerome." Flowing black cape, black Lone Ranger mask, clown-style oversized yellow sunglasses perched atop a shaggy black wig, and fake gold teeth. "You've heard of 'Vampire from Brooklyn'? We'll, I'm Jerome from Southeast D.C.," Portis said. "Going to the big city and night lights this week up there in New York City."
Week 9 -- "Dr. I Don't Know." Huge bright red-orange wig, pink ornamental glasses and a thick black Victorian-style mustache. Announces the death of "Southeast Jerome." "I did the autopsy on Southeast Jerome," he said. "These glasses were white, but mixing them with blood, it just so happened they turned pink."
Week 10 -- "Sheriff Gonna Getcha." Led Zeppelin shirt, bad teeth, big glasses and sheriff's star. Says he's going to Tampa to investigate the disappearance of "Southeast Jerome."
Week 11 -- "Dolla Bill." Lime green leisure suit with purple and black cuffs, sunglasses that spelled the word "cool," purple-spiked wig and fake jewelry.
Week 13 -- "Rev. Gonna Change." Black and white wig with red and black tie, goofy black glasses and fake gold teeth. Said he had planned to stop the dress-up routine because of the team's three-game losing streak. "As I told people I wasn't going to do it, it was like, 'We need something positive around here, keep a good attitude,"' he said. "It's just team morale."
Week 14 -- "Bro Sweets." Huge yellow wig, enormous yellow-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses -- and four arms. (Antonio Brown is standing behind him.) The extra arms are used to distribute jewelry and candy. Says his favorite candy bar is Payday because "It goes a long ways."
Week 15 -- Practice is rescheduled due to ice storm, so Portis appears without costume. "I had a great idea," he said. "It would have been great for Dallas week."
Week 16 -- "Inspector Two-Two." Fake nose and glasses and an old leather football helmet with blonde pigtails on top.
Week 17 -- "Southeast Jerome in Heaven." All-white angel outfit. Six other players stand by his side in various costumes. "I'm here in heaven with all my friends," Portis said.
Playoff week -- "Coach Janky Spanky." Says he should have been hired to run the defense instead of Gregg Williams. "I took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl," he said.
