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Chip Brown: Sorry, Chicago, but it's curtains for you
06:56 PM CDT on Friday, September 17, 2004
Your team lost in Week 1? What did you expect when:
• A zombie-zapping movie called Resident Evil: Apocalypse is No. 1 at the box office. (The movie, by the way, is based on the true story of everyone who shared a locker room with Jeff George.)
• A TV show hits the airwaves that tries to pass off Heather Locklear as a tough-talking airport tarmac manager. (Then again, the Ravens are trying to pass off Kyle Boller as an NFL quarterback.)
• Martha Stewart decides to forgo her appeal and starts picking out curtains for her prison cell. (No need for a parenthetical aside here. Picturing Martha trading gardening tips for cigarettes in the prison yard speaks for itself.)
Before we go any further ... how come no one told us CNN anchor Daryn Kagan is dating Rush Limbaugh? We haven't seen a romance with this much chemistry since Liza Minnelli and David Gest.
If your team lost in Week 1, remember that the world champion Patriots lost their opener last year. Of course, the Bears also lost their season opener in 2003 – and the entire team has been replaced with new, even worse talent that just lost to a group of players assembled by Matt Millen. Ouch.
(Only Celine Dion, Bruce Jenner and Batman impostors at Buckingham Palace would bet on the following picks against the line.)
Cleveland (+4 ½ ) at Cowboys: Recalling the humiliation of his last game as coach at Texas Stadium, Browns defensive coordinator Dave Campo begs Ashton Kutcher to turn this game – and specifically Jerry Jones – into an episode of Punk'd. Pick: Browns
San Francisco (+7) at New Orleans: Ken Dorsey gets the start for the 49ers. People would take him seriously as an NFL quarterback if he didn't get carded everywhere he went. Pick: 49ers
Denver at Jacksonville (+3): Jake Plummer looked like Chad Hutchinson against the Chiefs, but the Broncos won anyway. (Speaking of Hutch, if anyone hears of concert dates for Hutchinson and Garfunkel, a.k.a. Richmond Flowers, let The Lock know.) Pick: Jaguars
Pittsburgh (+4) at Baltimore: The Lock still has no doubt that the Ravens will be Super Bowl champions (or witnesses in a federal drug trial, whichever comes first). Pick: Ravens
Houston (+3) at Detroit: The Texans had a very logical explanation for losing to arguably the worst team in all of pro sports (the Chargers) last week on their home field: They were still trying to figure out how The Benefactor ever got on television. Pick: Texans
Indianapolis (+1) at Tennessee: Peyton Manning is to Indianapolis what paternity lie detector tests are to Maury Povich ... EVERYTHING!!! Pick: Colts
Chicago (+8 ½ ) at Green Bay: Packers cornerback Mike McKenzie swears he wasn't holding out for more money ... just more hair extensions. Pick: Bears
Washington at NY Giants (+3): Tiki Barber appears to have found a solution for his fumbling problem: He pretends the ball is his signing bonus. Pick: Giants
St. Louis (+2 ½ ) at Atlanta: We all know Michael Vick is to Atlanta what Snoop Dogg is to words ending in *izzle. But the Rams feel more at home inside a dome than a monster truck show. Pick: Rams
Carolina (+6) at Kansas City: Verklempt Vermeil sheds more tears than a slumber party full of women watching Beaches. That's why we love him. Pick: Panthers
Seattle at Tampa Bay (+3): If you listened to Keyshawn Johnson lambaste ex-coach Jon Gruden this week ... you have too much time on your hands. Pick: Bucs
New England at Arizona (+8): Ego Smith's Cardinals lost to the Rams last week. But he didn't care, HE RAN FOR 87 YARDS AND A TOUCHDOWN! Pick: Cardinals
Buffalo (+3 ½ ) at Oakland: Followers of the Flammable Sweat Suit ask only one thing this week, that all chairs near the bullpen at Network Associates Coliseum be taken to the attic. Pick: Bills
NY Jets at San Diego (+3): The Jets go to San Diego with one mission and one mission only: To see the giant panda exhibit at the zoo, one of the rarest such exhibits in the world. Pick: Chargers
Miami (+5) at Cincinnati: Dave Wannstedt carefully picks all the crumbs out of his mustache before his pregame speech, otherwise players get distracted and start pointing. Pick: Dolphins
Minnesota (+3) at Philadelphia: Randy Moss and Omarosa Owens have a side bet for this one. The loser has to act like he actually cares about the team concept for an entire week. Pick: Vikings
Last week vs. line: 8-6-1
Season vs. line: 8-6-1
E-mail chipbrown@***BANNED-URL***
06:56 PM CDT on Friday, September 17, 2004
Your team lost in Week 1? What did you expect when:
• A zombie-zapping movie called Resident Evil: Apocalypse is No. 1 at the box office. (The movie, by the way, is based on the true story of everyone who shared a locker room with Jeff George.)
• A TV show hits the airwaves that tries to pass off Heather Locklear as a tough-talking airport tarmac manager. (Then again, the Ravens are trying to pass off Kyle Boller as an NFL quarterback.)
• Martha Stewart decides to forgo her appeal and starts picking out curtains for her prison cell. (No need for a parenthetical aside here. Picturing Martha trading gardening tips for cigarettes in the prison yard speaks for itself.)
Before we go any further ... how come no one told us CNN anchor Daryn Kagan is dating Rush Limbaugh? We haven't seen a romance with this much chemistry since Liza Minnelli and David Gest.
If your team lost in Week 1, remember that the world champion Patriots lost their opener last year. Of course, the Bears also lost their season opener in 2003 – and the entire team has been replaced with new, even worse talent that just lost to a group of players assembled by Matt Millen. Ouch.
(Only Celine Dion, Bruce Jenner and Batman impostors at Buckingham Palace would bet on the following picks against the line.)
Cleveland (+4 ½ ) at Cowboys: Recalling the humiliation of his last game as coach at Texas Stadium, Browns defensive coordinator Dave Campo begs Ashton Kutcher to turn this game – and specifically Jerry Jones – into an episode of Punk'd. Pick: Browns
San Francisco (+7) at New Orleans: Ken Dorsey gets the start for the 49ers. People would take him seriously as an NFL quarterback if he didn't get carded everywhere he went. Pick: 49ers
Denver at Jacksonville (+3): Jake Plummer looked like Chad Hutchinson against the Chiefs, but the Broncos won anyway. (Speaking of Hutch, if anyone hears of concert dates for Hutchinson and Garfunkel, a.k.a. Richmond Flowers, let The Lock know.) Pick: Jaguars
Pittsburgh (+4) at Baltimore: The Lock still has no doubt that the Ravens will be Super Bowl champions (or witnesses in a federal drug trial, whichever comes first). Pick: Ravens
Houston (+3) at Detroit: The Texans had a very logical explanation for losing to arguably the worst team in all of pro sports (the Chargers) last week on their home field: They were still trying to figure out how The Benefactor ever got on television. Pick: Texans
Indianapolis (+1) at Tennessee: Peyton Manning is to Indianapolis what paternity lie detector tests are to Maury Povich ... EVERYTHING!!! Pick: Colts
Chicago (+8 ½ ) at Green Bay: Packers cornerback Mike McKenzie swears he wasn't holding out for more money ... just more hair extensions. Pick: Bears
Washington at NY Giants (+3): Tiki Barber appears to have found a solution for his fumbling problem: He pretends the ball is his signing bonus. Pick: Giants
St. Louis (+2 ½ ) at Atlanta: We all know Michael Vick is to Atlanta what Snoop Dogg is to words ending in *izzle. But the Rams feel more at home inside a dome than a monster truck show. Pick: Rams
Carolina (+6) at Kansas City: Verklempt Vermeil sheds more tears than a slumber party full of women watching Beaches. That's why we love him. Pick: Panthers
Seattle at Tampa Bay (+3): If you listened to Keyshawn Johnson lambaste ex-coach Jon Gruden this week ... you have too much time on your hands. Pick: Bucs
New England at Arizona (+8): Ego Smith's Cardinals lost to the Rams last week. But he didn't care, HE RAN FOR 87 YARDS AND A TOUCHDOWN! Pick: Cardinals
Buffalo (+3 ½ ) at Oakland: Followers of the Flammable Sweat Suit ask only one thing this week, that all chairs near the bullpen at Network Associates Coliseum be taken to the attic. Pick: Bills
NY Jets at San Diego (+3): The Jets go to San Diego with one mission and one mission only: To see the giant panda exhibit at the zoo, one of the rarest such exhibits in the world. Pick: Chargers
Miami (+5) at Cincinnati: Dave Wannstedt carefully picks all the crumbs out of his mustache before his pregame speech, otherwise players get distracted and start pointing. Pick: Dolphins
Minnesota (+3) at Philadelphia: Randy Moss and Omarosa Owens have a side bet for this one. The loser has to act like he actually cares about the team concept for an entire week. Pick: Vikings
Last week vs. line: 8-6-1
Season vs. line: 8-6-1
E-mail chipbrown@***BANNED-URL***