Local News
Washington Ave., the federal courthouse and Terrell Owens
As the year comes to a close, let's take a look at what to expect in 2007.
January
Newly elected and re-elected members of Congress will be sworn in, giving Democrats control. Voters won't notice, however, because nothing gets accomplished. The New Orleans Saints host their first playoff game since Hurricane Katrina forced them to be nomads in 2005, but the moment is ruined when they realize that winning the game means having to play in Chicago - outdoors!
February
Britney Spears seeks a restraining order against being mentioned in that same sentence as what's-his-name. Speaking of irreconcilible differences, the Dallas Cowboys hand Terrell Owens his walking papers, which he immediately drops. Locally, officials announce that the Washington Avenue Project will soon be under way.
March
Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., officially enters the 2008 presidential race. Banking on the success of state laws that prohibit same-sex marraige, President Bush makes an ill-advised move by seeking a constitutional amendment that defines election as a contest between “one man and another man.” Feminists are not amused.
April
Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump up the stakes in their feud by appearing on “ECW Live!” The battle over the location of a federal courthouse intensifies when Cleveland Mayor David Work declares: “Yeah, we got crime, but at least we're not Greenville.” Not to be outdone, Greenville Mayor Heather Hudson responds: “Come to Greenville, where the water is as good as gold. Oh, wait. It is gold Ewww!” The NBA playoffs begin.
May
NBC, basking in the success of its “Law & Order” franchise, announces a new spin-off that looks at crime in the automobile industry: “Law & Order: SUV.” Not to be outdone, CBS adds one to its “CSI” franchise. Set on a dairy farm, the new show is called: “CSI: Milking It.” Local officials announce that the Washington Avenue Project could begin any day.
June
Borrowing a page out of Michael Jordan's playbook, Terrell Owens turns to a career in baseball. He is signed by the San Francisco Giants as an outfielder, but the experiment ends when he drops a routine fly. The NBA playoffs continue.
July
Hillary Clinton and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama agree to a cooperative campaign. If either wins the Democratic nomination, the other will be chosen as running mate. President Bush attempts to pre-empt this partnership by amending his earlier proposal. The new amendment would state: “civil unions are defined as one man, one woman, one race.” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reminds the president that Clinton and Obama are running for president, not getting married. Bush immediately takes out his crayon and scribbles “oops” over the new proposal.
August
Football exhibition season begins with no signs of Terrell Owens. Local officials say they've finally gotten the go-ahead to do the Washington Avenue Project, adding: “This time, it's for real!” That caveman from the Geico commercials scoffs at the notion, saying: “It's so easy, I could have done it.”
September
The NBA playoffs finally end - just in time to start training camp for the new season. Capitalizing on the success of “Rocky Balboa,” Sylvester Stallone announces he'll produce two more sequels: “Rocky: Special Victims Unit” and “CSI: Rocky.” The federal courthouse battle takes a nasty turn when “I Believe in Greenville” signs appear all over downtown Cleveland.
October
The battle cries of “Charge!” and “Remember the Alamo!” are joined by “Fish Lake Bridge!” as Old Leland Road travelers warn Greenville residents not to believe anything about Washington Avenue. Terrell Owens is booted from “Dancing with the Stars” after dropping his partner.
November
The NBA playoffs, er, regular season begins. Britney Spears is denied the opportunity to appear in a Victoria's Secret commercial. In the rejection letter, the company asks: “What would be the point?”
December
Just in time for winter, construction begins on the Washington Avenue Project. Cleveland retaliates for the sign caper by becoming the official home of the Mississippi Miracles. Terrell Owens finally catches something: a cold.
Have a great year.
Woodrow Wilkins is managing editor of the Delta Democrat Times.
