Growing Up Fish
A Cowboys-Related Pissin' Match
By Mike Fisher -- DallasBasketball.com
This column will follow the advice of W.C. Fields, who once said, "Start every day with a smile and get it over with.''
Now, to the business of me somehow getting to grow up to be a real sportswriter like Jean Jaques Taylor.
JJT recently scribbled a Dallas Morning News article that sloppily claimed the Cowboys have too many 30-year olds. As you may know, in addition to running DB.com, hosting the radio show, practicing medicine in South America and winning 15 straight "Texas Father of the Year'' awards, I also cover the Cowboys for The Ranch Report.com. It was there that I responded to Taylor's opinion with my own. Taylor has now retaliated -- but not by addressing the actual debate subject. Rather, he's decided to avoid the subject he considered worthy of writing about to instead all but tell "Yo' Mama'' jokes on me.
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So let me go W.C. Fields on Jaques -- all smiles first -- and say that some of what Taylor wrote about me is accurate. I'll stick gold stars on his forehead for:
1) Noting that I "was here for a week.''
Taylor is correct. I was in Oxnard for a week. His fascination with my personal itinerary is, um, fascinating. Coming up next week in JJT's column, riveting details of other DFW media types' private lives: "How Babe Laufenberg likes his eggs,'' "Clarence Hill's favorite deodorant,'' and "When Tim Cowlishaw goes on 'Around The Horn,' Does He Mousse or Gel''?
And besides, what does a personal jab at me have to do with a professional disagreement about the makeup of the Cowboys roster?
2) Taylor writes, "Doesn't he have any original thoughts?''
Jaques' not up to speed here. My mind is flooded, dizzy even, with original thoughts. F'rinstance:
The End Of All Wars: A new law prohibits anybody under the age of 55 to serve as soldiers. Yup. The End Of All Wars.
Automobiles Made Entirely Of Rubber. Not just the tires by Goodyear -- the whole car. In the event of a horrific collision, we'd all just bounce off of one another.
The Necksticle. I think perpetrators of child abuse should be castrated. But that's not enough -- they should also somehow be Scarlet-Lettered. So when we castrate 'em, we should craft the severed unit into a necklace to be worn for all to see. Part testicle, part necklace. The Necksticle.
Jaques, is that original enough for you?
And Necksticle talk aside, JJT, focus, my man: What about the Cowboys roster?
3) Taylor writes of my current occupational stature, "Actually, it's kind of sad.''
No, JJT, I'll tell you what's sad: Having your own ballsac hanging from your neck. That's sad.
4) Noting that "I don't remember him asking Parcells a single question.''
Taylor is correct again. In fact, I believe I have, in 25 years of covering the NFL and the NBA, asked a grand total of four questions in press conferences. Why? It still mystifies me how few others get this, but I'll let you in on it: Let's say I have a unique concept, maybe even a scoop. Why would I bring it up in front of 50 other reporters, and announce it on a live world-wide broadcast? In the interest of competition, I prefer to keep my conversation with a subject between him and me -- and you, the reader.
That goes for the Mavs, of course, too. Those postgame press conferences are also live. If I noticed that, say, the Mavs played an inordinate amount of zone defense in tonight's game, should I blabber the fact in front of everybody? Or should I take Del Harris aside and get him to whisper sweet-somethings in my ear? If Mark Cuban emails me with a provocative quote, should I forward the email to all other news outlets so we can share the juice?
So I speak to interview subjects on the side. On the sly. In whorehouses. Churches. Washington, D.C. parking garages. I'm working on being able to interview guys through mental telepathy.
Folks, wanna know why the newspapers now so rarely break Cowboys news nowadays? It's because there is an unwritten, unspoken arrangement that allows everybody to "tie.'' One paper asks its question, and Parcells give the answer to all. The other paper asks its question, and Parcells provides the answer to all. We all get the same crap, type it (as opposed to "write'' it). ... and then everybody from both papers goes to lunch together and it's all la-di-da.
It is, frankly, the purpose of a place like The Ranch Report.com. And the purpose of DallasBasketball.com, where we attempt to offer an alternative, as opposed to a place where information mirrors what you already get, or worse, simply keeps regurgitating the same tired concepts. And we're certainly not interested in "tying.''
Not to go too "good-old-days'' on you, but the Cowboys beat writers during the Super Bowl years were myself and Richie Whitt at the Star-Telegram, Cowlishaw and Ed Werder at the Morning News, and Mickey Spagnola doing his indie thing. And it was our own little newspaper war. I still think of all those guys fondly, and even then, we'd probably help one another if somebody had a flat tire. ... unless we were on deadline. In which case -- well, I'll just admit it now, Ed: I was the one who jabbed that nail into your tire.
Additionally, the only reason I could ever think of to ask my questions in front of a million people is to sooth my insecurities about my importance. "Hey, everybody back in Dallas, did you hear me on the radio? Did you hear me talking to Bill!?''
Jaques, you will NEVER hear me ask a question at a press conference. (What should I be asking? Stuff like, "Coach, you must be disappointed by Spears' injury, huh?'') And I wish it were possible to harness some reporters' egos and insecurities so the rest of the Cowboys world wouldn't have to hear all the other innocuous softballs y'all pitch at the coach. I mean, you ain't exactly running the Spanish Inqusition out there on the Oxnard tennis courts, you know?
I do remember once, engaging in a press-conference debate with Jimmy Johnson over why he was fibbing about his interest in cornerback Terrell Buckley. That was good stuff. He started it, but I finished it, boy. Out in the Valley Ranch hallway, I was obliged to dropkick the old man in the solar plexus and then enlisted Dale Hellestrae and Mark Tuinei to help me haul him into the toilet, where I dunked his head and gave him a Swirlee. Really.
I'm willing to bet Jean Jaques Taylor has never given Bill Parcells a Swirlee.
Nor has JJT actually addressed the issue at hand, for how does a personal jab at me help to inform the reader about the Cowboys roster?
3) Taylor also writes, "I also don't have much respect for a guy who often uses the stories that other people write as a springboard for his own stories.''
He's got me here, too. I do have a nasty habit of non-linear thinking. And I love playing the contrarian, especially if I can prove conventional wisdom wrong. ("Defense Wins Championships'' makes me examine the slogan for flaws, to the point I lose sleep over it.) So when I see a herd of sheep marching off a cliff, I do tend to go "black sheep'' and explore alternative paths. Taylor would be well-served here to feel complimented; he is, after all, the No. 1 Cowboys beat writer. We should therefore read his stuff. And we should discuss his stuff. Right? Or will that hurt his feewings?
I continue to be amazed at the volume of people who get paid to give opinions. ... and then are offended when someone offers a dissenting opinion. Why is an opinion only valid if YOU give it? Imagine Roger Ebert thumbs-downing a movie -- and then getting upset because the director said he disagreed with Roger's disagreement!
There are media people in Dallas who get this notion, who understand that we can swing philosophical numchuks at each other by day and be drinking buddies after deadline. Mostly, in DFW, the TV guys -- Hansen and Doocy and Newy and Babe -- get it. Brad Sham gets it. Fraley and Blackistone and Sherrington and Cowlishaw and Mosely and Archer and Sefko and Heika and a few others at the Morning News get it. Galloway and Garcia and Sullivan and a few others at the Star-Telegram get it.
And then there are Thin-Skins, the people who want to throw grenades. ... but cry foul when it's time to take one on the short hop.
A sidebar here: In Jaques' response, he includes a line that says he doesn't "have any real interest in reading anything Fisher wrote.'' In the same breath he accuses me of "often us(ing) the stories that other people write as a springboard for his own stories.'' Um, if he doesn't read what I write, how would he know how to characterize it?
In summary, JJT, quit constructing flimsy "springboards'' and I'll quit jubilantly performing Olympic-perfect cannonballs off 'em.
Oh, one more thing: What does my writing style have to do with the Cowboys' 30-year-olds?
6) Taylor writes, "He used to cover the Cowboys and be a mover and shaker. Now, he's an irrelevant radio personality.''
This is a serious blow. Guys, I've got an ego. Enough of an ego to occasionally and mistakenly think I'm "somebody'' because I covered the Broncos during their '80's Super Bowls, covered the 49ers during their '88 and '89 run, covered the Cowboys as a beat writer then columnist then talk show host for the last 15 years. But truth be told, none of it was especially "relevant.''
I was a "mover and shaker''? What is this, "Austin Powers''?
Whatever. The newspapers were bird-cage liner. The radio talk disappears into the air. And all the awards and all the money? All gone, having been pawned or spent on good booze and bad women and. ... now, at the age of 45, comfortable shoes and slacks with elastic waistbands and braces for the kids.
Honestly, we're simply in the business of transcribing what a football coach tells us about the toenail injury sustained by Jamaica Rector, simply in the business of trying to fill out the Fort Worth D-League roster. So lighten up, Francis. Anybody -- not just the undistinguished Taylor, but anybody -- who is a sportswriter who as a result considers himself "relevant'' is delusional.
Unless, ahem, said sportswriter has slept with a supermodel. (And that, JJT, is why I was only in Oxnard for a week. I had to jet into LA on Saturday, where I OD'ed at the Viper Room, bashed Jack Nickleson's car with a golf club, and then bedded one of them there Hilton sisters. I can't remember which one.)
Seriously, Taylor's dismissal of the football thoughts of anyone who doesn't work at his paper is troubling. My opinions are "irrelevant'' because I'm not at the News. Therefore, of course, other Cowboys followers -- including the lowly readers of the News, the lowly readers of The Ranch Report.com, the lowly listeners to my radio show and lowly ex-movers and shavers -- are "irrelevant'' and insignificant in the shadow of the all-knowing Jaques?
Cowboys fans, Mavericks fans, voters, citizens, had better hope JJT doesn't represent Dallas Morning News policy.
I learned a long time ago (25 years ago, really) not to insult the intelligence of my customers, my readers, my listeners, by thinking I was above them just because I was packing a louder typewriter. Running a website, writing for a website, reinforces that. ... because if I write something stupid on DB.com, I can go to my emails or go to the discussion boards or go to a variety of other Mavs sites and see my dunderheadedness being dissed in public. And I now welcome you, fellow Cowboy follower and non-Taylor co-worker, to our mutual world of sub-JJT irrelevance.
And still, we wait and wait and wait for the "relevant'' Jaques to address the question at hand.
7) Taylor writes, "The coaches don't know him and neither do the players.''
JJT, are you saying they'll take more notice of me if I ask dopey press-conference questions? Hey, I know how I can get Bill Parcells to notice me: Maybe he'll start calling me by name -- and I will therefore have substance in this world -- if I have some testicles hanging around my neck!
I've got nothing against Jaques, as evidenced in my original article, which simply chastized him for coming to a faulty football conclusion about how many 30-year-olds on a team is too many. Does JJT disagree with my assertion? We still don't know, as bogged down as we are in his chest-puffing and muscle-flexing and issue-avoiding.
Now, Jaques, until you actually stay on-task in this debate, to again quote W.C. Fields, "Go away, kid, you bother me.''
