BrAinPaiNt;1988181 said:
Ok...not a funeral story but still something I am sure a few will get a good laugh out of. I have told this story before so some may remember it.
My cousin and I were stationed at Fort Polk at the same time. However we were in different companies.
At this time there was about 4-5 guys that shared rent at a place for a few months and we were two of the guys.
Well my cousin happened to have a day off for some reason. I had the day off but I had been up all night pulling CQ. For those that have not served it was a duty where you basically watch the company head quarters and check some other stuff. The worst part was you had to stay up for 24 hours but the good part was that once it was over you had the day off.
So My cousin comes and picks me up and we are heading back to the place. I tell him that we should stop and get some videos to watch.
So we stop in the Video store. I am still in uniform and there were two young girls working there at the time. By young I mean 19-21 range and I was just around 21-22 at the time.
Now I was single and my cousin was going through a separation at the time but it was not finalized.
So I am playing it cool walking around and giving the girls some come hither type looks...or at least I thought I was playing it cool.
So all of a sudden I felt a sneeze coming on. So I grab my nose and have this huge sneeze. No I did not blow snot everywhere but what I did was worse.
When you sneeze you ears, or at least mine, clog up some so I didn't hear it but boy did I feel it.
I had let a MONSTER fart. I am telling you it was so big and forceful it actually hurt my O ring.
Now I didn't hear it, but I know they had to hear it and I would not have been shocked if people out in the parking lot heard it.
Now my cousin is laughing so hard he is crying. I see the girls laughing but trying to hold it in as not to be rude.
So I figure...screw it, I can't take it back now and figured I would have some fun with it.
So as we were checking the videos out I asked the girls if they found it on the floor anywhere.
They look at the floor and at me and ask me what I am talking about, what did they find?
I say...Did you happen to find an arsehole laying on the floor because I am pretty sure it blew out of my pants after that fart.
Well...no more trying to hold back the laughter they both were rolling, my cousin was rolling and I started laughing as well.
Okay, I have a gas story that's pretty funny.
I was living in Utah, it was January, and my friend Kenny, my brother, and I decided to go do a weekend in California. To pull this off I worked a double shift on a Thursday and we were leaving as soon as I got home and cleaned up.
So it's about 8:30 at night when we hit the road. I grabbed a pillow and a blanket and climbed into the back seat of Kenny's car and they jumped in the front. The only thing I had eaten all day was a jar of Planter's Honey Roasted Peanuts. It did something very nasty to me.
So it's below zero, it's late, and Kenny and my brother are singing along to a Beach Boys tape. Badly I might add. I am in the back trying to sleep but having a hard time. Suddenly I feel the old bubble.
It was silent...but violent. As in smelled so bad that it would make you gag.
Kenny and Dave (my brother) are in mid verse of "Good Vibrations" when the smell hit them and they started cussing. In the back seat I had my face in the pillow for 2 reasons. To stifle the laughter and protect myself from the smell.
How bad was the smell? Bad enough that they rolled down the windows to get rid of it. Oh, but I wasn't done.
For the next 2 hours I gassed them periodically and laughed my *** off at their reactions. The discussions ranged from what I had eaten to what they were going to do to me for killing them. On several occasions they would roll the windows down and stick their heads out of the car. I am not making that up. At one point my brother cussed as he broke a frozen tear streak off his face.
Sleep was not going to happen by this point. I had laughed myself silly so many times that my jaws and sides hurt. They had no idea I was awake the whole time.
So after yet another gassing that had the windows down in the car I sat up and told them to roll the windows up because it was freezing. Oh my gosh you should have heard the cussing. I got threatened with corks and basically told that the next town we reached I was going to go take a dump.
That was fine with me. For the next 50 miles or so I was wide awake as I tortured them with the gas. It was my turn to make comments and I did. The one they remember the most is me telling them not to kill them (the farts) that they were only babies.
I have never been cussed so much in my life. So we finally get to a town and Kenny pulls in to get gas and I am told that unless I cop a squat they are going to leave me in the middle of nowhere. I complied with their wishes and went to the bathroom. It was awful as you might suspect. I about died in there taking care of it. As I came out of the bathroom there was a man heading in. I had to see if he could stand it.
He couldn't.
