Humor: The Onion's NFL preview!

[aquavita]

The one for the Cowboys was short and sweet, but gives a good idea how the rest of the league feels about us. Embrace the hate.

Dallas Cowboys
Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
Intangibles: **** the Dallas Cowboys and every ****ing thing they stand for; special teams
Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

The rest of the NFC East preview is pretty LOL as well:

Philadelphia Eagles

Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb
Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion
Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at
Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?

Washington Commanders


Strength: Acquisition of 33-year-old Donovan McNabb gives them a solid quarterback for maybe four weeks
Weakness: Receivers, running backs, offensive line, and defense, but, um, this is the year the Commanders really turn it around
Player To Watch: Albert Haynesworth, in that uncomfortable car-accident can't-stop-looking way
Biggest Question: By how big a margin will the Commanders beat the Rams, and how many games will that buy Donovan McNabb before fans want him benched?

New York Giants


Strength: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped
Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion stadium
Player To Watch: After missing most of the 2009 season with a knee injury, Kenny Phillips has looked pretty good in practice, although nobody remembers who he is or what position he plays
Biggest Question: How will the Giants handle a very tough schedule that includes games against the Indianapolis Colts, their division rivals, the 1996 All-Madden team, and the '78 Steelers?

Rest of the guide is here

http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=1

Gotta love the Onion.

 

[TheDallasDon]

Intangibles: **** the Dallas Cowboys and every ****ing thing they stand for; special teams

Hahahaha at the Special Teams

 

[kmd24]

Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion

That's funny, right there.

 

[jswalker1981]

This was good too:

Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at
Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?

 

[BlueStar22]

Dallas Cowboys

* Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
* Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
* Intangibles: **** the Dallas Cowboys and every ****ing thing they stand for; special teams
* Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace



http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=7

 

[DallasEast]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=7

The Onion's humor was all over the place. The Eagles and Commanders capsules were good, but the Cowboys capsule was screwy (and I believe juuust a bit more self-motivated on the author's part). The Giants' capsule was just plain lame.

 

[CowboyDan]

That was great, thanks for posting

Here's my favorite:
Green Bay Packers

• Strength: After giving up 50 sacks in 2009, Green Bay's offensive line appears to have forgiven Aaron Rodgers for whatever he did

 

[urface59]

The Onion's humor was all over the place. The Eagles and Commanders capsules were good, but the Cowboys capsule was screwy (and I believe juuust a bit more self-motivated on the author's part). The Giants' capsule was just plain lame.

I actually liked the kenny phillips line.

 

[DallasEast]

I actually liked the kenny phillips line.

It was okay. I kinda thought the Giants schedule line was more amusing, but not by much.

 

[hardcorebob]

It was okay. I kinda thought the Giants schedule line was more amusing, but not by much.

"Is this the year that Dan Rooney dies?" I literally laughed outloud on that statement!

 

[Ashwynn]

Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry

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That right there is so cool. I love reading stuff like that. Funny thing is its true.