JOKE: The Lie Detector

[Hostile]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

:laugh1: :laugh1: :laugh1: :laugh1:

 

[5Stars]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[5Stars]

:laugh1: :laugh1: :laugh1: :laugh1:

Stop laughing! You gave me 2 infractions when I was just trying to help 0Counem0 to become a good Cowboy fan!

 

[bbgun]

Pretty funny. Here's another one:

Two blondes finds a mirror on the sidewalk.

The first blonde picks it up, looks into it, and says, "Hey, I know this person! I've seen her somewhere before."

The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh! Of course you have -- that's me!"

 

[5Stars]

A blonde calls her boyfriend to please help her do a jigsaw puzzel that she can't figure out.

Her boyfriend asks her what is it supposed to be when it's finished?

She says, according to the box it's supposed to be a rooster.

He goes over there,,,she let's him in and shows him the table where all the pieces are scatterd all over.

He looks at the pieces and then the box...then tells her that she needs to understand that this puzzel cannot be done, and to just put the Corn Flakes back in the box...

 

[ethiostar]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

A blonde calls her boyfriend to please help her do a jigsaw puzzel that she can't figure out.

Her boyfriend asks her what is it supposed to be when it's finished?

She says, according to the box it's supposed to be a rooster.

He goes over there,,,she let's him in and shows him the table where all the pieces are scatterd all over.

He looks at the pieces and then the box...then tells her that she needs to understand that this puzzel cannot be done, and to just put the Corn Flakes back in the box...

Thanks guys, i needed the laugh today.

 

[Yeagermeister]

There was a scene in The Wire where Bunk was trying to get a kid to confess to shooting someone. The printed up three sheets of paper with true, true, and lie on them then loaded them in the copier. They put the kids hand on the copier and tell him it's a lie detector. The first question was what was his name. They hit print and it comes out true. The second question was true also (I don't remember the question). The third question was if his shot the guy. They hit print and it comes out lie. The kid breaks down and confesses.

I found the video on youtube but because of the language I can't post it.

Look up the wire lie detector on youtube. It's listed as Bunk's interrogation techniques. :laugh1:

 

[lane]

that was a great one hos..

wife and i loved it..

 

[dougonthebench]

I needed that.

 

[Faerluna]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[silverbear]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Been a long time since I heard a joke I haven't heard before... rest assured I'll be stealing this one...

 

[silverbear]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The first time I heard that joke, the blonde was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader who needed to make some quick money, and the rich man was Jerry Jones...

 

[silverbear]

The original joke reminded me of a slightly similar one:

This middle aged married man with six kids came down with cancer, and in a matter of time was lying on his deathbed... his wife sat by his side, weeping gently, when he awoke, and spoke to her...

"Darling", he said, "the end is near, I can feel it. You've been a good wife, but I have one question to ask you, and I really need a straight answer before I go"...

"Ask it", the wife said... "I'll tell you the truth"...

"Well, our first five kids all have black hair and brown eyes, but little Tommy, the youngest, has blonde hair and blue eyes... tell me, who's Tommy's real daddy??"

"Oh, I couldn't tell you that, it would hurt you too much", she replied...

But the dying man gently persisted, and finally the wife, with tears in her eyes, softly said "Tommy's YOURS"...

 

[the kid 05]

The original joke reminded me of a slightly similar one:

This middle aged married man with six kids came down with cancer, and in a matter of time was lying on his deathbed... his wife sat by his side, weeping gently, when he awoke, and spoke to her...

"Darling", he said, "the end is near, I can feel it. You've been a good wife, but I have one question to ask you, and I really need a straight answer before I go"...

"Ask it", the wife said... "I'll tell you the truth"...

"Well, our first five kids all have black hair and brown eyes, but little Tommy, the youngest, has blonde hair and blue eyes... tell me, who's Tommy's real daddy??"

"Oh, I couldn't tell you that, it would hurt you too much", she replied...

But the dying man gently persisted, and finally the wife, with tears in her eyes, softly said "Tommy's YOURS"...

thats just cold lol

 

[the kid 05]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[DallasFanSince86]

Good stuff.